a daily reminder to grow your marriage
Why Won’t She Touch Me?
What if …
… your husband didn’t touch your face much at all. You talked to him about it and he knew you wanted him to, but for some reason, he just keeps avoiding your face. Occasionally he will touch it when you make love, but even then it seems a bit forced, like he’s doing it more for you. Does he find your face disgusting? Ugly? What’s wrong?
For most of us (thankfully), this is not true of our husbands. They love touching and kissing and holding every bit of us.
However, I want you to imagine for a moment it was true and how hurtful it would be.
I suggest this because there is a situation in many marriages that is similar and just as hurtful.
Your husband may have talked to you about it and you know he wants you to enjoy his penis, but for some reason you avoid it. Occasionally you touch it when you make love, but even then it seems a bit forced, like you are doing it more for him. He wonders if you find his genitals disgusting or ugly. What’s wrong?
This is especially hard on guys. Their sexuality is integral to their identity and their penis has been a lifelong friend. When you avoid it you are saying there is something wrong or bad with it and that translates to a rejection of his sexuality and of him as a person (the same way rejection of your face might feel).
If you struggle with enjoying all of his body, take the time to ask yourself why. Sometimes it’s a matter of being told that sex (and sexual body parts) are dirty or naughty. Sometimes it’s about past abuse or sexual sin (perhaps it’s time to see a counselor). Whatever the reasons, please challenge them and work for change.
Your husband needs you to appreciate and touch all of him. His body is wonderfully designed and created by God. All of it is “very good.” Please don’t leave your husband touch hungry and in need of acceptance.
To touch can be to give life. Michelangelo
(Need a little help? Check out Awaken-Love’s video classes.)
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♥ Prayer Prompt: Ask God to help you appreciate and lovingly touch all of your husband.
♥ This Month’s Marriage Challenge: Look for opportunities to compliment your husband (to his face and behind his back).
♥ The XY Code: Is Texting Hurting Your Marriage? Use technology to bless not harm.
♥ Heaven Made Marriage: 5 Signs You May Have Settled Your marriage is either growing or dying.
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22 Comments on “Why Won’t She Touch Me?”
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Dear Ladies,
I almost fell off the couch this morning reading this because it is so true. I’m a guy and experienced this problem in my marriage.
The constant rejection finally killed my marriage of 28 years.
Please take this article to heart.
Your husband loves all of you, please also love him fully.
Thanks for putting into words what I have been trying to tell my wife for years. In 25 years, I can count on one hand (no pun intended) she has touched me. But that is pretty much the status quo for us, sexually, so it has been no surprise to me.
Thanks, guys, for encouraging women to understand and take this to heart.
This is a problem for me. I know he likes it, but it is hairy and usually sweaty…NOT fun, but I do do it for him, probably not enough or with enough enthusiasm.
You can always ask him to shower or make clean up with a washcloth part of your sexual play.
Hey Buddee I know it can be really hard when they aren’t clean etc. I found with my husband that if I gave him a BJ after he showered, it encouraged him to shower before making sexual advances towards me because he knew i was very willing afterwards. I don’t believe in “training” a husband but it sure is a little mental routine now. You could ask your husband if you could trim down there for him (you can buy combs with razors so there’s no chance of accidental circumcision!) I have done this many times and it has actually encouraged him as it shows that I want to spend time down there and admire his manhood. xx
Very good points, Lori. I think sometimes one partner had a hard time understanding how much a certain aspect of their body effects their self-worth. This is true of men and women: breasts, butt, legs, arms, nose, anything!
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I didn’t know husbands usually touch their wives faces. 27 years married, 30 years together, I can’t remember him ever once touching my face.
Great post! My wife has learned to do this a little more. I don’t think it was an intentional slight on her part, she just never thought about it. A woman who is not visually stimulated, not much on touching, and responsive only sexually, simply has no idea how much this means to a man.
Yes, I’d like it a lot more if all of that came naturally. But I try to appreciate any effort on her part.
This is all true, unfortunately this will never happen in my marriage. Glad to hear some women actually take the advice they hear and apply it. Good luck.
We’ve been married 44 mostly good years in a Christian marriage. We attend church regularly, participate in discipleship, sing, minister wherever we can. However, in those 44 years, my wife doesn’t like to touch my body sexually. Foreplay is 99% on me. A month ago, she finally gave in and participated in foreplay. It was some of the best intimacy in all the years of marriage. I complimented her on how wonderful it was. Yet, the very next time, back all on me. I’ve asked her several times over the years if there’s anything in her childhood or anything else in life that would cause her to not want to touch me. She said she just didn’t like penises. I shower regularly, and take care of my body. She never had a relationship with anyone else before our marriage. She still orgasms almost every time we are intimate, but again, it’s all on me. It wasn’t different before menopause either. Just no interest in foreplay at all. Whenever we talk about it, I am always gentle and loving, never condemning. She feels guilty, but her dislike for penises in general overrides her knowing what I want. I told her recently that she shows her love to me in so many wonderful ways–naming all the ways I could think of. Yet, I said, you can’t love me by participating in foreplay with me. She shut down, and hasn’t talked to me about the topic sense it happened about two weeks ago. I’ve asked her about counseling, but says she really has nothing more to say. Help.
Leon, I encourage you to see a counselor by yourself. You will need to decide if you are going to let it go and live with it graciously or if you need to kindly confront again. A face-to-face person with counseling skills can help you think it through and make a wise decision. You have my prayers.
Nearly 22 years married. Anything sexual is a no go. Wife has never initiated, flinches when I touch her, it’s humiliating and demoralizing. I get a peck on the lips goodnight. She literally won’t touch me. My hygiene is good, I’m healthy and fit, I do the majority of housework. I’m terribly lonely and the rejection has broken me.
John, I am so sorry for the rejection. My only suggestion would be to seek out a counselor for yourself in terms of talking through how to approach her for change.
John, you are not alone. Heck, all this talk of penises. I would just like a hug. A hand held. A smile. It’s tough not to just shut down. One thing I do is read Lori’s stuff here. I think about how I wish someone would approach me in that manner but then turn it around to make sure that’s what I’m doing for my wife. Hey, that’s something I can do for my wife. I just keep hoping one day to get an unprompted genuine physical touch of any part of my body. For now, just sensory deprivation. But I do things for her, to show her I love her. Maybe someday. I think wives really underestimate how much it means to give their husbands the simple gift of a hug.
I’ve been to counselors and she refuses to join me. There’s no history of abuse but she is very self conscious. When she was young her mum took her to buy some clothes and gave her a pat and in front of the shop keeper said ‘we’ll have to watch this one’. Her lack of interest in me no matter what I do has ripple effects into other parts of my life. I’m normally pretty confident but my trust in my intuition has eroded, I’m confused about whether or not we’re on good terms, and I don’t feel safe to express my feelings without then getting the silent treatment. I have been angry about this in the past but now she’s angry when I bring it up. Now I’m just grieving – I know God has a good plan and design so I’ll keep trusting Him.
In that case, John, I encourage you to see a counselor for your grief and for figuring out how to deal with the ripple effect. Another helpful person is a life coach. They won’t be able to help you with your marriage, but a good coach can help you sound out how you want to deal with various areas of your life. They are an invaluable tool.
May have said this before but I will say it again. We went thru 50 years of marriage we a lot of this. If I do understand why, and I do not feel like I need to do it was a common answer. Just not important enough. No counseling would change it. With DWs very quite way and old school learning it was not going to happen. Alzheimer cured that. Brought her out of the closet. Lots of hugs, head rubs, back rub, and many other positive things. Tried not to wait until the end to open the closet door. Good luck.
When in read this post, and all of the comments, I felt such tremendous relief and hope. Relief that I wasn’t alone and hope that I can work through this with my wife of nearly 20 years.
I do not need to be ashamed, or feel humiliated and “perverted” for wanting to be touched by her. I ask myself why, when I am always offering to rub her sore back or legs, she will never even give me a hug in bed…it is always me initiating contact.
Thank you for this, it is good to know that I’m not alone, that my situation shouldn’t be written off to “that’s just how men are!”
Praying for your marriage and the conversations you need to have.
Not sure this can last. It feels like abuse. Complete physical intimacy avoidance, emotional neglect (can’t even express love), constant criticism and cold shoulder. Been praying about it but can’t broach the subject without being shot down. Jesus said, ‘do to others as you’d have them do unto you,’ I get the impression she’d rather I was dead. I do the lion share of yard and house work and used to hold a job as an executive until 2 weeks ago when I resigned. Nothing seems to ever work out.
Hi, John,
This situation is far beyond the scope of what The Generous Wife can offer in the way of encouragement and help. I encourage you to find a good counselor to help you talk through your situation and any options you may have. You have my prayers.