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MICHELLE
We have a babysitting swap arrangement with two other couples -- we rotate who takes the kids, and the other two couples get a date night with free childcare. The kids love being able to play with their friends, and we love getting dates regularly!


ANN MARIE
I only have 2 children and they are 6 and 7, but the best thing I did was put them on the same nap schedule and even at 6 and 7 they still have rest time where we all get a break from each other. Sometimes its 30 minutes, sometimes its 2 hours. With an infant it might take a few months before you can implement this, but it will help. You can rest during that time or do something that you like to do. You can also have the older children help out more. My 7 year old can make scrambled eggs from start to finish (except lift the cast iron pan). So what if they have scrambled eggs for dinner once a week. The older kids can vacuum and dust and scrub floors. It involves more work in the beginning to train them to do it, but it will also pay off later. Oh, another thing we do is put the kids to bed at the same time every night (8:00) and we do not allow them to come out of their rooms until 7:00 am. (potty and bad dreams are exceptions) I taught them how to read a digital clock when they were 2 and 4. So then we know we have some time in the evenings together.


TANYANYIWA
I have a passion for kids and I only have one but God has been giving me wisdom concerning some of these issues over the years. When you have many kids and are trying to balance and have time for your husband as well, firstly you could get the assistance of a babysitter and have time off for yourself and time for your husband.Once a week you can set a day that you go shopping for yourself and have your hair done, nails etc and one day that you go out with your husband. Secondly if going out is out of the question what of spending quality time together at home, with the baby sitter looking after the children. Thirdly she needs to also include her husband in what she does with the kids, that way, it will also make them spend some time together. When spending quality time with your husband the kids need to know that this is mum and dads time and eventually they will get used to the idea.


CARYN
I have four children, ages 9, 7, 5, and 9 months. One way that my husband and I have snuck in some alone time is to ask our 7 year old daughter (or our 9 year old son) to watch the baby for us upstairs or downstairs while we sneak away to the bedroom or office and lock the door. It's definitely not the same as hiring a babysitter, but with four kids, hiring a babysitter is very expensive. We have to save that for special occasions.

[If your children aren't old enough to watch an infant, you] could put in a video and have the older kids play a game together and keep the sleeping baby with you and your husband in another area of the home.

The benefit of having four kids is that by the time the fourth one comes around, you usually have at least one child that is old enough to help. I say put the older siblings to work for you. Mine are usually happy to do that - at least for short periods of time.


CONNIE
I had a three year old and new born twins. One thing that helped was to load them in the car just before nap time and just drive - the kids would sleep and dh and I got a little bit of uninterrupted time.

We also ate dinner after the kids were in bed - just the two of us. Didn't have to be gourmet, could even be take out, but at least it was just US.

We also took turns letting the other person sleep in one day on the weekend.

Use your crockpot to simplify meals.


WENDY
We have ... 4 children [right] on top of each other. On my website are some ideas that you are welcome to link to if you do outgoing links. (Thanks, Wendy!)

Romantic Ideas for Married Couples


BRENDY
I just wanted to share that maybe if you have a camera phone ~ you could email pictures of yourself in silly or provocative poses, along with a little note. I bet it would bless both of your days!


DEB
1. A non-negotiable, reasonable bedtime for all the children (barring illness or tragedy, of course) leaves the evening quiet for wife and husband.

If this is new for your family, you must be consistent and patient while you train your children to this level of behaviour and OBEDIENCE, but it is not that difficult to achieve and the benefits are peace and rest!. Here is an example based on a standard American work week for husband: Simple supper at 5:30 or 6:00. Special treat after supper is always fun ... cookies, tiny bowl of cereal with milk, pudding, warm herb tea and honey, just stay away from super sugary or caffeine! Kitchen cleaned (kids involved to the level of their abilities) by 6:30, simple bedtime routines (during the summer we would have baths before supper). Every child tucked in bed by 7:30 at the latest. This rule holds even during baby-sitters, grandparents, Christmas ... we rarely broke that pattern and our kiddos thrived and we cherished our quiet time.

2. A non-negotiable, reasonable get-up time for all the children. In other words, one child rising and rambling about at 4:30, one at 5:30 and another at 7:00 is not acceptable. Again, this is not too difficult to train into your family. It's driven by the expectation and wisdom of the parents.

3. Respect for mom and dad's privacy. Install door lock on the master bedroom or at the very least, train your children not to barge into a room without knocking, wait for permission.

4. Nap and/or quiet time during the afternoon, or after lunch, for EVERYONE, mom included. Just 30 minutes of quiet will do wonders for evening energy.

5. Adequate protein intake with breakfast and lunch. Self-control against sweets in the afternoon helps keep evening slump away.

6. Fresh air and exercise at least once a day, even in bad weather. Bicycling, walking, shooting hoops, walking to the mailbox, vigorous porch step sweeping or snow shoveling - Makes energy for momma, makes little ones happy.

7. Adequate medical care for Mom. Have thyroid levels checked, yearly physicals, etc.


NATASHA
When possible, I purchase small things that my husband likes - favorite candies, etc. and I give them to him when he is stressed out from work.

I find that the best time to get "me" time is when our daughter is asleep for the night and hubby is still unwinding from work; I also find time in between dropping my daughter off to daycare. Even though I drop her off earlier than needed each day, I get my own things done and when I am home with her in the evening, she gets my whole attention!

Planning a date night once a week is also ideal; without it we tend to get lax about making time for each other. If it isn't possible to do THAT, we wait until our daughter's asleep and then order takeout food and have a relaxing (romantic) dinner together and watch a new movie (or go straight to the bedroom).


CYNTHIA
Finding the time and energy with 6 or more kids in our home (we are foster parents too) was somewhat challenging for me to find the time to spend with my husband but what helped was my husbands insistence for dates. No matter what it took, in money or favors, we left our house with just the 2 of us and went somewhere, anywhere. A movie, shopping, dinner it did not matter even when we were left with the image of tears streaming from our little ones eyes, we perservered. After 5 minutes they were fine and we were able to enjoy some kid free time with each other. We also manage two vacations, one for us and one for the family. It is rejuvenating.


JULIA
Ah yes, little ones!! I have a three year old, a two year old, and an 11 month old. So yes, it's really hard to get in date time. But what we'll do is get a movie from the library (for free), I'll make chocolate covered strawberries and have champagne, or we'll order a pizza, sometimes it's red vines and popcorn. The idea is something special. Then we'll put the kids to bed early and have a date night at home (sometimes we will fall asleep during the movie as we're both exhausted, but at least we had some special time!). I know it's not much, but it's all we can do at the present. (as not many people feel they could babysit that many kids at such a young age). The other thing we like to do is put our kids in joggin strollers and go jogging together. That is how we met and fell in love. We both love to run, but hardly find the time on our own. So on a Saturday morning, we'll all get out for a jog and then go to a cafe afterwards for a coffee or something. It always renews our love for one another to do the little things that remind us of our first days together, and it's good for our children to see mommy and daddy still so in love with each other and occasionally smooching at the cafe!


RHONDA
1) My husband instituted and enforced that no one got out of bed (except to go to the bathroom) until momma was up and said they could get up. My children were early risers, enforcing this rule, allowed me to rest until 7:30 or 8:00 am ... and even have time to read my Bible before facing the day. My 5 now range in age from 6-17, and they still essentially follow this rule, which gives the older ones some quiet time in the morning if they wake before me, and gives me a chance to rest when I need to.

2) When you get the least ones down for a nap, let the older one have a quiet time in their room, coloring, or watching a movie (sorry for all the people against the TV baby-sitting), and then you can catch a nap. It is amazing what 45 minutes-hour can do for your energy level!


KIMBERLY
I am a mom of 2 boys, ages 4 and 6.

1. Don't feel guilty about taking naps when the kids nap--DO IT EVERY DAY. I still do!

2. Almost everyday at about 4:00 PM I make myself a cup of tea and have one piece of dark chocolate--good for your heart and gives me a little pick me up to be ready for my husband when he gets home and I can greet him with happy energy.

3. Pick out a couple of outfits WITH your husband. Go shopping together, pick out a sexy pair of jeans together. Then before he gets home, put on a cute outfit, touch up your make up, and spray a bit of his favorite perfume. Ok, this might be too much information, but sometimes I'll leave off the underwear under my clothes and that drives him crazy to know that. I'll email him at work to tell him. Then we both can anticipate a fun evening after the kids are in bed!


TB
I have five kids between the ages of 14 and 2. I used to think I did not have "time" for anything for myself. You know, I had too much "responsibility" to my kids to take "me time". However, after YEARS, I have found that if I do take care of myself , I am better equipped emotionally and physically to care for others!

As for finding time as a couple, well I won't LIE! It is difficult with young children. However, if you turn off the TV :) - you'll probably find you have several hours every night to spend alone. We have played games, talked, sat outside, etc. Simple things that don't require a sitter, but can keep you connected!


HOPE
My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years, and have an 8 year old and a 6 month old. Before our youngest was born, I would have my oldest have a "camp out" in his room, complete with food, drinks, movies, etc. (whatever activity he wanted to do, I made sure he had everything for) ... during his special "camp out" nights, he would get to do anything he wanted (within reason) as long as he stayed in his room. He didn't have a bed time (as long as there was nothing to do early the next morning) so he really had so much fun having his own time. I even gave him incentive that if he behaved and was responsible in what he did, he would get another night to do it again. While he would be busy in his room, it gave my hubby and I some alone time. All day I'd psych myself up to spend quality time with him, just making sure the house was "straightened up" JUST enough so it looked descent when he walked in the door ... giving me energy to focus on me for him.

Things changed when I had a baby, and I wasn't sure how I was going to work it out. I forgot how demanding babies are! But when I'd start pacing myself in what I chose to do and not to do (the laundry could wait til tomorrow, if it meant I was getting even an hour of alone time with my hubby), I found I had the energy for him when he got home. My oldest would still do his "camp out" nights, and the baby would be fed and put down a little early so my hubby and I could have our time that we needed. Of course, if the baby went down early, it usually meant that he would wake up before I had gotten enough sleep to feel enrgized the next day. So, what I do is wake the baby up after we'd have our alone time and feed him again. This gave me a nice chunk of sleep before he woke up again to be fed. If you're up anyway, might as well wake the baby up so you can get that MUCH NEEDED sleep after his/her belly is full!

We also shared with our oldest how important it is for mom and dad to have alone time ... it makes us better parents to him. He loves the idea of giving us our time to be together, and he also sees how happy we are as a couple, and he feels secure. It's worth it to MAKE the time (even if you fall asleep on the couch together cuddling) to be together as a couple ... the kids really do respond very well to your closeness because they get the love they need if the two of you are happy.


ELIZABETH
My husband and I have a set day during the week that is designated as "date night." My girlfriends and their husbands have the same. We all have different days for our "dates." During the week we will watch each other's children, so we can have that special time w/ our husbands. It's so important to have a support system in place! If you're a stay at home mom and have access to a Mother's Day Out program at your church, you could have a date afternoon or lunch with your husband.


DEBBIE
We have 6 and while our youngest is now 3 and we have built in babysitters - it is hard to make it through that time.

One thing that really helped us was our at home dates. We would put the children to bed early (the older ones could read stories quietly or to the others in their rooms), order take out Chinese (or whatever you love), set up candles etc. and had a quiet, romantic dinner at home.

Read the Love Languages book and discover what your spouse's love language is. Put your very little extra time into speaking that love language to your spouse daily. It is so much easier trying to do one extra thing each day that you know will show your love to your husband and speak directly to his heart then floundering around trying to do more when they might not really be what speaks the most to his heart. This really does matter because of all the needs of your little ones who truly DO need your time, training, nurturing, teaching, etc.


ADILA
I have 4 kids, I have long realized that we should make time to spend with hubby, recognizing this I looked at the most relaxing thing that I know my hubby enjoyed which in this case was going to movies. So what I have started doing was to ensure that my helper stays in on Tuesdays (every second Tuesday that is) to look after the kids. Thank the Lord she always tries to accommodate me. Therefore hubby and I have our time out for movies, supper, or just walk around to talk about the things that we don't get to do.

The other option also is, I send the kids to my mums on Saturday and hubby and I get to spend time together on Saturday night and Sunday morning before we go and collect the kids.

Remember that not only do you need a break from the kids to be with hubby but the kids also need timeout from mum and dad.


KELLY
I currently am a SAHM to an 8 year old boy and 3 girls, 7, 4 and 20 mo. Tired, yes - but inspired - even more! Our love got us where we are today! There is never enough time in the day to get "everything" done - but if we focus on relationships ... and be DELIBERATE about showing our love to each and everyone in our house ... all will be well! I have learned that this is a season in my life - I am needed by 4 little ones and a wonderful and loving husband. I choose to think that I am "blessed to be this stressed", and that I will have plenty of time to sleep in the future - at least that is what I pray will happen! This mothering gig is harder that I ever thought it would be, and there are days that leave me just shaking my head - BUT- with the help of my sweetheart, I truly feel like we can get through this, and even enjoy it, together! Bless you, mommies of young children - I am in the same boat, and at times, it's very loud, crowded and a bit stinky !


ALICIA
Join FlyLady. It will give you a routine and you will have so much more time for your family and especially your husband!! I joined in January ... it is FREE!! And WOW what a difference! You won't believe what you can get done in 15 minutes when you are focused. Set a timer for 15 minutes for your kids ... they will get more done in those 15 minutes than they would in a few hours without. FlyLady


JENNIFER
I have found that having a set bedtime for ALL of my kids helps a lot. Even the oldest is in his room at the same time as the 2 year old. He is allowed to read until his "lights out" time. It seems to us as though just this little bit of extra time alone, even if we spend it cleaning up the kitchen, helps. Also, curb the TV. It robs SO much conversation time!!


KIMBERLEY
I did an exchange ... I knew other women who had kids in the same age groups as mine (I had 4 from Newborn to 71/2 yrs old). I scheduled play dates when the youngest was napping and took a bubble bath with candles or a romantic picnic. It wasn't a lot of time at first but as the baby got older I was able to add him into the exchange with the older 3. Then I would watch my friends kids so they could have some private time as well.


MICHELE
I kept a routine, early bedtime, so my husband and I could have alone time. The kids did not have to be asleep by 9:00 but in their rooms ready for bed and then lights out at 10:00. I found this also gave the kids a winding down time.


EILEEN
There was a program on TLC (I think) about a family of 10 (if memory serves, they had 2 children and wanted another so the wife underwent fertility assistance resulting in her carrying 6 foetuses). This remarkably strong woman declined the doctor's suggestion of 'downsizing' the pregnancy and she and her husband have been bringing up 8 children. She focuses on creating memories and activities for the children that will strengthen their bonds with each other, her thought being that they they will have each other throughout their lives - she really focuses on the big picture and consequently all the little day-to-day annoyances (that many of us might crumble under with 8 children) are only details. I'm sure she has her moments, but I was really impressed with her maturity and generosity of spirit so thought I'd share this with you.


SUE
I would encourage couples to MAKE time for each other ... even when it's hard. This was advise given to us when our kids were young. We did it occasionally and were glad when we did, but now that our kids are grown I look back and see how important it was, especially so that my husband didn't get left in the dust of the relationship and I wasn't overly stressed with meeting everyone's needs. It is so easy to focus on the kids because they are in front of you all the time. They are the urgent, yet couples need time for each other!!

My husband and I are in ministry and because we had no family close while the kids were little, one of the things that I did was trade babysitting with some good friends. They were people that had become "family" and we trusted them totally to take care of our kids ... sometimes overnight. It gave my husband and me a time of refreshment.

Something else we did was to rent a movie to watch after we tucked the kids into bed. We planned ahead of time so that the hours together we greatly anticipated. Snuggling on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and watching the movie together would be enough to keep us going for another week.

My husband surprised me for our wedding anniversary once by taking me away to a bed and breakfast and seeing a play. It was wonderful. He had arranged everything ... including kid care.


ABI
I'm the 29 year old mother of 4 children, ages 8 months to 7 years.

Something that I believe has saved my marriage from becoming stale and impersonal is 'date night' where my husband and I take turns planning a date.

Since we have the kids, we have all these dates at home. We'll go out on the trampoline with a drink and look at the stars, have a reading night where we'll each read an article from a magazine that we wanted to share with the other, cook a late dinner together, play a sex board game, just whatever we feel like doing together. We try to jealously guard this night from other engagements and distractions, to show each other that we treasure time with each other.


"PW"
#1 Make sure your kids are in bed on time! My kids ages 2 and 4 are both in bed by 8:30 every night. That gives us a good two hours to be alone with no interference.

#2 If you can't afford a babysitter find another couple that has kids and set up a schedule to watch their kids every other week one night and they can watch your kids one night every other week.

#3 Take advantage of church programs like AWANA. Many churches view AWANA as a parents date night.


KARRIE
I have a 2 and 6 year old.One thing I try to do once in a while is, when I make supper for the kids, I wait to make it for me and my husband, then after the kids go to bed I set the table with a nice table cloth and dishes and candles. I turn down the lights and we have a nice romantic candlelight dinner without paying a sitter or finding the time to go out. And it really doesn't matter what we eat.. It has been as simple as grilled cheese to something more detailed. I try to make something I know he has been wanting! It is a nice way to reconnect from the busy and crazy life that can get in the way!


REBEKAH
I go to bed earlier than my husband so something we started long before having children - was for him to "tuck me in" at night. He comes & lays with me for 20-30 minutes so we can just talk and spend time together. And it seemed when we had our children - that was the only time we did get to spend together. But it's always a sweet, quiet, relaxing time together no matter how hectic life had been during the day. It's a time for us to re-connect.


ANGIE
I have 5 children, ages 10 months to 8 years. Yes, it is a busy season, but whenever someone looks at me and says, "wow, you really have your hands full," I smile and say, "I wouldn't have it any other way!" But of course, there are times that I miss being able to spoil my husband as much as I'd like! So here are some things I try to do as often as possible...

*We trade babysitting with another couple who also has children, once a month. It's free babysitting, and a win-win. ;)

*We plan dates "after hours." Once the kids are in bed, we sit and watch a storm, a movie, or just talk, but I always try to make it a little "special" by a dessert or drink, alcoholic or non. Some of our best conversations are over milk and cookies (his favorite!)

*"It's in the little things." Doing one of his chores, making one of his favorite meals, or having the kids pick up the backyard toys before he mows ... letting him know I'm thinking about him and his needs during my day.

*Teaching the kids to honor him is huge too! As much as we moms brag about our kids to our husbands at the dinner table, "Daughter did this today, son learned that ..." we need to brag about Daddy to them, and in front of him! He is the "king of the castle" and should feel like it. I'm not talking about false flattery, I'm talking about truly making the kids aware of how hard he works, how accomplished he is, what his job is like. It helps him open up to them too at the end of the day.

*And maybe most important, simply communicating "I miss you" and "I miss being 100% wife." goes a long way. It is just a season, he knows that too, but actually SAYING that you miss Saturdays spent in bed can bring a smile, and renew hope for that "someday".when the kids are all grown up. Make sure he knows he isn't alone in missing the before-children days, and mean it!!


KATHY
[My husband] and I have 3 children. This year we will celebrate our 30th anniversary and we still have a date night once a week. One thing I am sure has helped us to keep this through the years, was that we taught them from when they were very young, that daddy and mommy are going out. We told them it was our date night. They grew up knowing that dad and mom had a date night and even as they grew and found they had things they wanted to do, they worked them around mom and dad's date night. Now there have been a few times we postponed it to a later date ([my husband] and I both would agree to it). This has been so helpful to our relationship. I realize this is only a once a week help, but it may be a start for some.


RITA
Here are some hopefully helpful tips ...

1. Take naps when the little ones do.

2. I know it's hard, but try to put the little ones to bed an hour before you and your husband.

3. Do your best to make a daily routine to get tasks and chores done. Teach the other children to pick up after themselves immediately when they are through with something. Toddlers can even learn this excellent habit.

4. Use a crock pot to cook meals. It saves time and energy.

5. Try to cook some things a head of time so you can just warm them up to save time later.

6. Communicate with him. Leave him notes, Verbally tell him the things you love about him. Even if you can't spend a lot of quality time together because you're so busy with the kids you can let him know how you feel about him without too much effort.

7. Most importantly start your day with a prayer of thanksgiving which includes asking the Lord to direct your paths and to give you the strength you need to be the wonderful Proverbs 31 woman.


ANDI
I have 5 kids age 10 and under. I have been changing diapers, cleaning poop, wiping faces, and trying to find time for a shower for 10 years. It is hard to find time for yourself let alone for feeling sexual after being "on duty" 24/7. First of all you have to realize a man's need for sex. Just like you need a nap, your man needs sex. My husband and I talked about things and he would like it often, me? not so much, but after seeing his needs and that the kids would be gone in so many years but we would still be together for the next 60, I really needed to scoot sex up on the priority list. That's just the first step but half the battle because we women can get caught up in kids/ diapers/ messes and not look around long enough to even THINK about your man's needs.

The next thing is to ask for time for yourself, tell your man that you need this to feel like a woman, not just a milk machine. Go to the library, read some books in the quiet. Go to the coffee shop with friends. Find a craft that you like and take a class. Do crafts with a friend at a coffee shop. Window shop, whatever it is, try to do this once a week. It may take some work to find sitters or work around job schedules, but IT'S WORTH IT!

Then, try getting your mind ready. There was an idea on this site to write "TS" on a calendar or sticky note and every time you saw it on the bathroom mirror or on the fridge, you would remember to "think sex". Then allow yourself 10-15 mins in the bathroom after the kids are in bed to prepare your body and mind. Come out of there when you have washed away the day, taken off your husband's baggy clothes, brushed your teeth minty fresh, shaved your legs (that's an optional one!) and feel like you are ready for what women are uniquely designed for.

Sorry this is long but I think women need a process to think about during the day so they are mentally prepared for sexual things. This is what has worked for me and I'm right there with you!


VALERIE
I wish I had understood better, when our children were small, how very overwhelmed my husband was. I knew how overwhelmed *I* was, and unfortunately, I took the overwhelm as evidence that my love and life partner just wasn't pitching in adequately.

Not surprisingly, he felt the same way. So I said a lot of stupid things in an effort to make clear that it was I, not he, who was bearing the larger burden, and he reciprocated, bitterly, in kind.

The truth of the matter was that there was just much more work between running the household, earning a living, and caring for the kids than two people could possibly do.

I wish someone a little older and wiser had straightened me out on this point. It would have changed our evenings into a more "partners in the trenches" mode, if only I'd thought to say "you're beat, I'm beat, we have to make it to 8 p.m., and we've still got dinner/ dishes/ baths/ bedtime/ laundry/ lawnmowing to get through. What should be our attack strategy tonight?"

I do point this out my friends who are in the young-kid stage. I think, in some ways it's a more practical approach than the oft-quoted, but often very difficult to implement, suggestion to "carve out couple time." If you can turn the chore time into partners-lovingly-working-together-time, it's the equivalent of making your job joyful instead of living for vacation.


MEG
I don't remember where I heard this (it may have been [on TGW] actually), two couples with young children got together and planned a date night. One week, one couple keeps all the kids and the other couple goes on a date. The next week they swap. The "date" may be grocery shopping or dinner and a movie, but whatever it is, it is just the two of them for a few hours.

I am a firm believer that a regular date night is part of what has kept my marriage so strong. I don't have children, but every Friday we have a "date". It may just be the two of us eating supper and watching TV or renting a movie, but on Friday night, we have a date. We don't do housework, yard work, or any chores. We just spend the time together.

I have several friends with children who have their date night (pick a night) after the children are in bed. All kids are in bed by 8 (they are mostly toddlers still) and then mom and dad have a few hours "alone".


MACKENZIE
We (thus far) only have one baby, but we did have a rough start ... I had a breast infection for the first month and a half and the baby had colic, which resulted in 7+ hours straight of crying a day. I was not at my finest. :) Dh was still in school so I had almost no help from him since he was gone most of the days and had to study at night. So we were really in survival mode!! A few things I did to let dh know I was still thinking about him were to make sure that no matter what I made the bed neatly once I got up. I also tried to keep up with the basic cleaning, even though this often meant doing it in 2 minute bursts while the baby was happy since I only had the use of 1 arm (from the infection). The other thing that he especially appreciated was that I kept his dresser neatly stocked so not only did he always have clean socks and underwear, but it was neatly folded and put away instead of "um ... look in the dryer maybe??" He knew what I was dealing with and found every little thing to be a blessing because it was something I had done for him. Really, I think the key is to just do a few little things no matter what and they will see that despite what ever else you're dealing with, you remembered to take care of them during the day. Oh, and the really big part? Pray for them every single day! When you're having your rough and low moments pray that they wont have to feel that way if you can help it to be avoided! Ask God to help the two of you stay close, even if you don't have any time for dates or snuggles.


LOVEDAY
8 AFTER 8 - When the children were young I used to love to have friends over for a meal in the evening. But by the time we had got 3 children in bed, tided up the house and cooked a meal for the guests I was exhausted. So I came up with this idea for an easy way to have a dinner party. We got together with 3 other couples (we all had 3 or 4 children) and started the '8 after 8' club. Couple 1 would cook a starter, couple 2 would do a main course, couple 3 would do a sweet and Couple 4 would host the dinner at their house. We rotated who would do what course and rotated around the houses. It really worked well, now all we had to do was get the children in bed and (if it was at our house) tidy up. Then we would have a lovely evening with good food, wine (you only brought it when you could afford to) and the company of really good friends from our church. Those were such special evenings and now, even though all our children have grown up and most left home, we are still really close to each other.


LISA
I have a 1 year old and another on the way. Finding time and energy to do things for my husband is hard! We celebrated our second anniversary last week -- and since money is tight the gifts were cheap and thoughtful. I got a bag of Reese's peanut butter cups -- my husband's favorite -- and started putting 2 in his lunch every day, one for each year of our marriage. Since then morning sickness has pushed the lunch making job off to him for a while but I still try to put out his two peanut butter cups so he can pack them himself. He has taken on a lot of the housework and care of our daughter since i've been sick with the second baby. And I appreciate it SO much!! So I make sure to tell him how wonderful he is, how glad I am to be married to him, how wonderful a dad he is, and I make sure to tell him that my other mommy friends are jealous that I have such a wonderful husband!


KAREN
I only have two kids and it sent me to a counselor! I noticed that my zeal for my husband had gone from feeling apathetic to feeling antagonistic, over and beyond anything reasonable for the normal difficulties we faced. That clued me in that more might be going on inside me. God worked the combined stress factors of marriage and parenting to trigger wounds and memories from my past that he wanted to heal. Then he provided a counselor to see me through it when I was at a point I felt like I couldn't go on.

A few years ago after the birth of my first child, I asked God what I needed to do to follow him more closely and feel better. His response, although I wasn't sure it was him at the time, was to start getting ready for bed earlier. I've struggled for the last three years alternately rebelling against that or attempting to implement it. Recently I've surrendered by asking God how he wants me to conduct my life, what patterns in sleeping, eating, exercising, cleaning, etc. ... he wants for me and asking for the strength to obey. He has been faithful and the more I try to follow his pattern the better I feel and amazingly, the more time I have for myself, my husband, my children, and my house. The more I rebel against his structure the more we suffer.

When I was searching for an answer to my exhaustion and inability to meet everyone's needs all the time, I initially asked everyone but God. Pay attention to what he's doing in your life and seek him first. Your Father knows what you need and will delight to give it to you.


TONYA
We had our first child about 1 1/2 yrs after we had been married. So adjusting to married life and being pregnant was a huge stress on me, and l know that I was not the wife/lover that I should have been to my dh. During our first pregnancy my dh made a few calls to 900#'s and started looking at porn. Which plagued him for many years, PTL he has been free for a long time. Things between us got a little better between our children but I still never felt adaquate for him and so was not attentive to his needs. During the pregancy of our second child and months following he allowed (and I did too ... didn't see the harm at the time) himself to become "better" friends w/a friend of mine which led to a one time affair. Years have passed now, we are still together, God has worked in our marriage and it is better now than ever, but I tell you all of that to say, that while I know that it wasn't my fault that he looked at porn and while it wasn't my fault that he gave into the affair, I believe that I did play a part. I could have been a better lover to him and friend. If you knew my husband you would find that he is one of the most caring, kindest and loving people in the world, one that may have never taken some of the paths that he did if I had been the generous wife I should have been.
Please tell these new moms to press through their tiredness, stresses of the day and to purpose to spend a little time with thier husbands so that somewhere maybe someone won't have to go through all of what we have been through.


KELLY
As a working mom, I've found that a convenient time for some lovin' is right after we all get home. The kids are ready for a snack and a little TV time. When we get them set up; we run off to the bedroom for our own "snack time". If we wait until after the homework, dinner, dishes, bath, bed routine I'm really tired and don't have a lot of energy left. On the days we do this I'm whistling and floating around the kitchen while preparing dinner and my husband feels content and loved as he goes through his evening duties. Plus the "looks" we give each other the rest of the evening are great. This may not work for those who have infants but then again, there's always a high chair and cheerios if older siblings are around to make sure no one chokes.

You don't always have to make love. Sometimes during this snack time; we'll sit and talk about our day and reconnect.


JESSICA
Let some things go if they aren't a priority. My husband would prefer to see the housework slide a little if I'm spending more energy focusing on family time. Along the same line, enlist the help of your children whenever possible. Maybe things won't be perfect the way you would do it, but if you ask the little ones to clean up their toys, or help with the dishes, or sort laundry, it means less work for you - and the bonus of teaching them that everyone contributes and is important in a family!


KARLA
I am only on my 2nd child and haven't had the joys and trials of experiencing more on a daily basis. My suggestion is an early bedtime to give you some R&R and some time with hubby before it gets late the real tired state sets in.


PATSY
When our children were younger, and I was exhausted by bedtime, or ended up in a child's bed in the night, I asked my husband to wake me in the morning for lovemaking (and I am not even a morning person!). He agreed to this compromise, and it is still something special for us after 10 years!


MICHELLE
When my kids were little. I would put on video for them. One that lasted at least 30 mins. Then my husband and I would go in the bedroom for 30 mins of uninterrupted time. It is not long but it does help to know that you can have a little time with each other. You will be surprised what can happen in 30 mins.


MICHELLE
My husband and I have two children under the age of two. The best time we have together is after the kids are in bed. My advice, work hard to get the kids on a schedule to be in bed by eight or so. That way there is still a few hours left for you and your husband to find time together.


AMY
It almost sounds OT, but giving the older children chores is a wonderful, indirect blessing to a husband. For example, my 7 year old takes out the recycling, puts away the toddler and baby toys each night, cleans the bathroom and clears the table, in addition to keeping his room and personal messes cleaned up. Since he does those things, I don't spend the time after the kids have gone to bed cleaning up after them, I can be with my husband and still wake up to a clean house.

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