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PAMELA
I have 12 children. When everyone was younger, you had rest time on your bed/bedroom for an hour or two. Reading, CD listening, or sleep! You need to make sure you rest at the same time. One hour can rejuvinate you into the evening.


LEONOR
I can think of a million things that made life difficult when my four children were little: moved often because of husband employment, homeschooled, directed church choir - basically allowed myself to be stressed out. Allowing yourself to be stressed is a major "No, No!" when you are raising little children. If you are doing more than one thing a day (doctor's appointment, errand, birthday party, grocery shop, etc...), you are doing too much and your relationship with your children will suffer. I would also advise putting the kids to bed early (and making them stay there) so that you can get a bath in the evenings and spend time with the love of your life. For me it was sooo hard to even find time to bathe. Being refreshed in the evenings might help you feel like being intimate. I would also recommend a ridiculously early bed time for the children - 8:00 PM for small children and 9:00 PM for older (well, maybe they just have to be in their rooms until lights out.) That way you have established a time that you are done being a mommy and you are ready to have some time for yourself and your husband. If your husband knows you are getting ready for him, he might help get the kids down or do dishes. By the way, the dishes can wait until morning. I promise they won't run away. Only problem is that they breed while in the sink.


ERIN
I have 4 children 7 and under with one more coming in September. Whew! Early in our marriage I had a very hard time taking care of myself or my DH. A few things I learned that have revolutionised my marriage:

Growing up I thought that a Mama's #1 responsibility was to love and care for the children. Later I learned that God wants me to first be a helpmeet to my husband and then to my children. This has helped me, my children, and my DH.

DH used to be so disappointed that I couldn't make the home nice and neat and kept up like he grew up (he was like an only child). It took a few years even to talk about it. After we opened up about his feelings I told him that I can't do it all - all of the time - and I asked him to write down what was most important to him to always be done (I am a stay at home mom). I put most of my effort to those things and then I found that I was able to do more because it created a system for me.

Sexually we had hard times also due to his work hours and the many small children and fluxes of pregnancy. When he started to show that this frustrated him I started to take naps and have a shower before he came home. I tried to think about making love to him in the morning so my mind wouldn't be full of baby, laundry, and dinner. It was hard at first and I resented that I had to "focus" so hard on it. As our relationship got better I had to think about it less and it became more natural. Then we took a marriage course called Dynamic Marriage that further allowed us to talk about things that were important in our marrige and the closeness that we got from it has us acting like newlyweds even with 4 children 7 and under and my being 32 wks pregnant. Things are better than ever even though we are busier. The course focuses on meeting each other's needs and is based on the book by Dr. Harley His Needs Her Needs .

Kind deeds and kind words make the burdens of life easier to bear. Reminding each other that we love each other often. Learning to conserve our energies and not over do things to the point where we have no energy left to nourish our marriage.


JUDITH
I am a seasoned wife, almost 32 years that has gone through alot of "seasons", trials and tribulations LOL. The best advice I can give to any wife of any age ... your husband is your first priority after the relationship with the Lord. Give him the basic needs (honor and respect, an enthusiastic sex partner, recreational companionship, domestic support, and be an attractive spouse ... that means take care of what you were given and learn to control your tongue and emotions) I failed miserably at all of these at one time or another...and it took a HUGE wake up call to put the priorities back and salvage what was left of a marriage.

It takes a foundation grounded in Christ to make any marriage work because no woman will ever possess the strength or wisdom it takes to build up her house but foolishness will certainly tear it down. There are times that children just need to wait and realize early in life that, yes, they are loved and important and cherished but life does not revolve around them. A strong marriage and parents that love and stay in love are the best gift they could receive as children. Laundry, dust and the endless drudgery will wait ... learn to look the other way on the endless stuff that saps the energy. In the grand scheme of things it will matter little.

I have 5 children, the 15 year old is still at home and I raise 3 grandsons under the age of 9. I work part time and am up everyday by 4 a.m. so I can identify with haggard Moms of all ages. I can't reiterate it enough ... a woman MUST depend upon the Lord. Carve out even a few minutes to fill that spiritual tank to keep you going. CD series in the car or while you fix dinner (you'd be amazed what little kids absorb from them too), music is good too. I personally make sure I get a bubble bath at night (even a quick one) to unwind. That "me" time is an investment that pays off for my husband. Alot of women relegate their husband to the to do list rather than holding the place as the love of their life.


VALERIE
I think one of the biggest things was for me to make sure I had the kids dressed and out of their PJ's and that I was dressed with a little bit of makeup on just so it didn't look like I just crawled out of bed. Make sure there are NO dishes in the sink clean or dirty and that the main room and kitchen are picked up a bit about 15 minutes before DH arrives home.

NO matter what you are doing, STOP when he comes in the door, unless you are nursing ... and give him a hello, welcome home hug and kiss. Also you might be able to leave little flirtatious messages for him on his cell phone. Make it clean but use your code words or whatnot, he will know. :)

Even if you are tired, offer yourself to your DH. He misses you and he doesn't want to 'ask' to be with you. Think about him during the day so when he comes home you will be happy to see him and look to him when the kids are in bed for some adult conversation and time alone, not necessarily sex but just some one on one time.


LEAH
I have had 2 families, one in my early 20's, 3 children very close in age, and started again when I was in my later 30's and have a son with autism, and when my daughter was little she also had some problems so this was very time consuming and, though the children are older now, life still had many demands that take away from that special time with my husband. I have learned that sitting right next to my husband and holding hands gives a moment of oneness, even if only for a moment while watching the news. We work together in the kitchen making dinner, I touch him as I pass him, his waist, a pat on the back, and even pass my hand across his hand as I pass him, for a moment I might even embrace him. When things finally calm down at night, a bowl of ice-cream together, or some fruit just something to sit together for a moment and have a time to talk, or a moment even of silence together, intimate moments don't always have to include sex. I also like to share something I read with him as we are in the kitchen together.
Sometimes I meet him at his car as he comes home from work, and for a moment I sit in his car with him an talk, it gives us a moment alone before life begins for the afternoon at home. I always ask him how his day was when he walks in the door from work if I haven't met him outside, even if he doesn't ask back. I just try to remember "everything as unto the Lord". If he is out working on the car, I ask him if he needs water to cool him off. If he is doing something in the yard, I just come out and find something to do, without being asked. I love to garden so I help with the weeds, or water the patio, again we are together.

I take those moments when the children are content, fed, relaxing, to make a moment with my husband. So that I can feel like I am still accomplishing something, I might have the washer going and the dryer drying. I might even put a load of laundry next to him on the couch and I fold and talk. Deeper intimacy can be much harder to find time for when you are raising small children, as it is exhausting at the end of a very busy day ... I understand, but even if it is just for a quickie it makes our husband feel desired. Now a problem I have found is having older children even makes deep intimacy almost impossible, as children stay up late at night when they get older, and there little ears are very good, so again the momentary moments of physical touch can give deep meaning. I have found after many years of being married, the deepest moment with my husband is as he goes to leave for work, he will gently hug me and he prays with me, that is the deepest moment in our marriage that means so much for me, starting our day with the Lord, no matter what our day holds, we are not alone.


ADELE
Just ask for what your husband is willing to do to help. Let him tell you what he is able to do and not able to do. Give him choices of what needs to be done and seek out his help with some or all of them. Regardless how the evening duties are divided up, make time for each other. Send the kids to their bedrooms by a certain time each night, every night, so you and dear husband can have 10 or more minutes (preferably 60 minutes) together. Teach the kids that anything past the time they are suppose to be in their bedrooms is now time for mom and dad to have their own quiet talk time together.

Heads up, 30-60 minutes of talk time between husband and wife each evening will result in wonderful together time in other places like the bedroom later. This talk time is essential for a wife to be recharged and grow her desires of wanting to be with her husband in a special way. Share the day and all the events of the day, share a book, tape, etc. - then see what happens later in the day or week in the bedroom. Maybe the time early in the morning before the kids wake for the day can be a special bedroom time for the two of you.

Also, find ways to make a weekly date night. Hire a sitter, get family or friends to help, etc. Take monthly or quarterly overnights with each other for your whole married life together. These are things you have to make happen, they don't happen by themselves. Be creative and seek out that which keeps you two together.


VICKIE
I have 4 young kids - between 7 years and 8 months. One of the things that has really helped us is making a conscious effort to teach our children from very young that sometimes Mommy and Daddy leave for a little while but we always come back. They need to know that someone else can take care of them for a little while, be it Grandma or a neighbor or a babysitter or the people who work in the church nursery. For moms who are nursing the time away may shorter, but it should still be a priority. We need to sit in church together and enjoy the fellowship of other parents in our adult Sunday School class. We need to go out on dates from time to time - sometimes that means dinner or dessert out. Sometimes it means a walk around the neighborhood. But for us, the key to the dates is making sure that are kids are comfortable with someone else so we can truly relax and enjoy our time together.

Another thing that has helped us is to talk about our priorities. There are times when the end of the day comes and we say to each other, "It is more important to cuddle on the couch and watch a video than to fold another basket of laundry." The reality is that there will ALWAYS be one more basket of laundry to do. If we were to wait for all the household chores to be "done" before we did anything fun together it would NEVER happen. We need to make "us" a priority. Sometimes that means being spontaneous. Sometimes it means putting it on the calendar and hiring a sitter. And sometimes it means going to bed as soon as the last one is asleep.


NICOLE
I am a "tired" mom, with 6 children ages 9 months to 10 years. I am finding that the things I can do to connect with my husband or spice up our relationship need to be thoughtful but not always time-consuming.

Here are a few simple ideas that fit into our busy schedule: look him in the eye when he talks, and be an active listener; take quiet opportunities to ask him about his day; when I take pictures on the digital camera, be sure to share them with him, so he can see what our day is like (send them via e-mail if it's more convenient); we have a special time on the clock, when it is 11:11, it has a special meaning to us and it is always nice when I call him to announce: 11:11 ... that's all it takes for one of us to feel special; take a look in the mirror just before he gets home ... no matter what it takes, spend 5 minutes using the restroom, freshening up (maybe even finally getting dressed) right before he gets home ... put on some lipstick, take a deep breath and smile (or at least regroupJ) ... and if time allows, then clean up the little ones - brush their hair and wipe a cheek for him to kiss; when the sheets are fresh, turn them down and fluff the pillows before he comes to bed; write a note on the mirror; sneak out for a quite moment on the back patio together; when he wants to share a kiss or hug and I'm busy ... make sure I slow down enough to return the expression; remember that pet name you used for him when you were first married? USE IT!; take a short nap when the baby is down so you can be perky later; buy a special hand soap for the master bathroom - make it smell great; buy a body oil (anything will do -use olive oil if your skin is sensitive) and take turns giving back rubs and foot massages; if you get into a disagreement ... let him have the last word once in a while ... and don't let him know; put the laundry away before he runs out of clothes; read a good book together, with no ulterior motive - not a marriage counseling book, just a good novel ... My suggestion: "These Is My Words" by Nancy Turner (very romantic without too many "chick flick" qualities); set aside enough money for a baby sitter, or trade sitting with another trusted couple; make a list (maybe mentally as you run errands) of the qualities that attracted you to him ... and identify how those qualities shine now in a more mature way ... and then tell him about how you admire him for those things; remember through all the chaos and noise ... THIS IS WORTH IT!


SANDIE
We have 7 kids (aged 7 months to 13 years old.)

I think I feel better and take better care of dh and dkids when I focus on my own health. I go to bed by 9 pm ... eat low-fat healthy meals (get enough fiber and water and take multivitamin/mineral supplement. Watch for absorbability of vitamins etc ... especially for the first few months after a birth ... digestive tract is out of whack.) Also, I feel better when I exercise -- Either do a DVD workout while the kids nap or grab the stroller and walk in the early morning before it is hot out. All these healthy habits work together to boost my energy, so that I am not completely "used-up".

Another important aspect of having energy for romance etc. is to make an effort to do the things that make you feel pretty ... for me that means make-up, hair style, shaving legs and pedicure.

If we want to be romantic at night ... I try to make sure the kids all get alot of fresh air and sunshine that day so that the younger kids are sleepy by 7:30 pm. Older ones can be sent to their room with books or games (their room is not close to ours).

We usually find it easier to find romantic time Saturday/Sunday mornings ... (this is the time of the day when nobody is cranky, overtired, teething etc. ...) We try to keep special DVD movies on hand that we know will keep dkids glued to the TV. Also, we give dkids snacks that are not messy (example = chewy granola bars or teddy-grahams) and we used to use a baby-gate to make sure they stayed in the room we put them in. We have had success with putting the baby in a swing in our bedroom ... they will sleep quite a while if they've been fed etc. ... and they are safe from their siblings.

I also subscribe to flylady.net which is free (online) help/encouragement for home-makers so that they don't get overwhelmed ... When our home is chaotic ... I'm frazzled and alot less generous! Plus my husband is alot happier when our home is pretty and meals are on time etc. ...

Finally, it may not be as spontaneous, but setting a date/time for romance helps and gives us something to look forward to. Put a lock on your bedroom door, and use it. Stuff pillows around your door for privacy and close off any ventilation-ducts... Nothing kills the mood like feeling that your kids might be listening in!


CAROL
We are the parents of 5 kids, now ages 11-24. The following have worked for us.

- Set up regular "dates" together - just you two (try not to discuss kids). Set up the dates ahead of time; don't wait until you have time. It's not going to happen. My husband always bought season tickets for a local theater, so the dates were set up ahead of time. In our 27 years of marriage, we have only skipped 1 season - when our youngest was nursing every 2 hours around the clock. I confess that I sometimes thought it was stupid, expensive, and just not worth the hassle, as I was dressing to go out with him. However, I usually enjoyed myself once we were out the door, and think very highly of it now.

- Make sure Dad is involved with the everyday stuff with kids. My husband was the one to give baths to the younger children, help them brush their teeth, and read them bedtime stories (they were delighted when he occasionally fell asleep first).

- Make sure each parent gets personal time of some sort. I always went grocery shopping and ran errands by myself, while my husband babysat. It wasn't a vacation in the Bahamas, but I had a small window of time in which I could focus on only one thing, without interruptions. I was refreshed and felt more affectionate toward our kids when I was home again.

- Even at the beginning of our marriage (before the movie "The Princess Bride"), my husband would frequently respond to a request or change of plans with "As you wish." or "I'm flexible.", backed up by a pleasant attitude. I feel those phrases are 2 of the most romantic responses to any request.

- Although I had a career before and for the first 11 years our marriage, I felt uncomfortable asking my husband to do certain things, like housework. I thought he would be unwilling. Meanwhile, he was frustrated because he wanted to help didn't know how. I eventually found that I just have to ask for small jobs. For larger projects, it's better if I ask several days ahead, so he has time to think about it.

- Email a special note to your spouse every now and then, if he or she has access to a computer. Mac Seasonal Cards is our favorite site for this. Receiving an e-card usually brings a smile to my face.

- Instead of asking your spouse "Can I help?" ask "What can I do to help?" Smile when you say it. Continue smiling as you change that messy diaper.


ANDREA
I've got 3 boys under age 5 and I too often feel too tired for my husband, but my advice would be to make love even when you don't feel like it. I've never regretted it, I always feel better afterwards, and even sleep better!


BUFFY
I am currently the mother of three small boys, ages 4, 2 1/2, and 9 months. Finding time to spend just with my husband can be difficult, but because we are both committed to each other and finding time to spend with one another we find the time. The best thing that we have found is reading a book together. I enjoy it because the books usually become a springboard for other conversations even when the kids are around. Also it is pretty easy to read just one chapter in a book before bed. I know that when we aren't reading a book together I feel like something is missing and that is the time spent together. Another added bonus is that when we've finished the book we've not only spent time together we've completed something together as well. We've read non-fiction books on topics that pertaining to our life at the moment i.e. parenting, sex, special needs children (Our oldest son has learning delays and our youngest son is struggling with weight gain) but we've also enjoyed reading fiction books usually Christian romance.

To all parents with small children close together it can be difficult to find one on one time but I find that when my husband and myself our both committed to finding that time we do.


KELLY
I think praying out loud but intimately for your husband is really dear and precious. Perhaps, end the prayer with some special treat like, mini massage or a punnet of strawberries with whipped cream in bed will look romantic. Fruit is always good because you do not need to cook them. Ready made cream is even way better.


JESSICA
I have 7 children. One thing I did when mine were all little was have a 2 hour quiet time/nap time/rest time every day. This works wonders on a tired mama. I would sleep, read, relax, etc.

But the most important and beneficial change I made was for my health. Eating healthy makes a mama feel so much better, you have more energy, more mental clarity, more patience, etc. Also, my need for so much sleep went down. I dont need naps anymore and can stay up late with hubby and not need to sleep in the next day. Not to mention you loose some extra pounds and feel better about the way you look - hubby will notice too. I eat mostly fruits, vegies, beans and whole grains. Meat, dairy and junk food only a couple times a week.

Also, add exercise in your routine. I know it is very very difficult. I struggle with this. But it is so important to get out that house and get fresh air and just MOVE. I take walks (with the kids - hey, stroll the littles and make the older ones walk. After all, kids have more energy than us parents, right??) Also, I have exercise videos - the kids think they are fun and sometimes I do them when they are awake and can do them too. I enjoy the walking videos and pilates. I also bought a used elyptical machine for cheap. This is a great all body toner. It is fun,too.

When you feel better, you are way more positive and are able to figure out how to love your man better.


JODY
I have four kids ages 5 through to 18 and, yes, I gave birth to all of them. I found it extremely exhausting having young children and older girls going through puberty! Some days I felt as if I would go mental ... Seriously!

In order to combat this I started taking time for myself and ensuring my needs were taken care of. I started living "Luke 10:27" ... I realized that I could not love my husband the way he needed to be loved unless I started getting more rest! And take care of my own needs. This was very challenging with new babies needing to be nursed every three to four hours and the emotional roller coaster of hormones associated with puberty!

#1 tip I would always come home in the afternoon and no matter the state of the house or the bills I took a nap with my kids in my bed. Everyday! I would leave blinds and curtains open so that I wouldn't fall into to deep a sleep and ruin my evening sleep!

#2 tip I would get some form of daily exercise that wasn't just a leisurely walk with some friends but some thing strenuous! Exercise is good for your well being on every level! And eat well! Take care of your health.

#3 tip We sat and discussed how many times a week we would have sex realistically and then put it on the calender! Also take turns initiating it too. This way we would get to bed earlier and not let other commitments get in the way ever! Sex must be a priority and if that means you need to be in bed by 7:00 or 8:00 pm then do it! Remove all other commitments so that it happens. It is the best gift you can give one another!

#4 tip Make an online calender that you can both have access to during the day and ensure your date night is on there and scheduled sex! Also when you put in all your other commitments including work, volunteer and appointments you can see how busy you really are! Learn to say "no" to others and "YES" to your husband!

#5 tip Women are not like a light switch and don't turn on easily ... When you know that you are going to be having sex that night think about it and get your room ready ... pull out something he likes to see you in and lay it out on your bed for him to when he gets home. Just before he arrives home change into something flattering or just clean, fix your hair and make-up. You will be surprised how well this can help you feel ... and trust me when he sees that you look and feel good he will care less of the mess the kids made while you were making yourself look good for him. Also no matter what the kids are doing when he arrives stay calm and relaxed. Men desire peace in their home. He will be more inclined to help clean up the messes too. Teach your kids that when Daddy arrives home the first few minutes are reserved for Mom and Dad. Use this time to kiss and reconnect physically. Don't use this time to discuss the day's havoc either of you. Just connect with some loving! We have been encouraged to allow our children to see us kiss and reconnect in front of them. This helps them feel secure.

#6 tip Discuss the need for extra help temporarily to help you get caught up from time to time with housework etc. When you know a house cleaner is coming soon it can be very relaxing to know that your toilets aren't going to look gross forever! If money is tight go without something else and get your house cleaned!

After several years of marriage with a blended family and many hours of Godly counsel this is what we have come to conclude as what works for us!

Stay connected to resources like [The Generous Wife] and their own church and other forms to stay on track. The most successful people in their fields have several coaches and outside help ... goodness know marriages need it too!


DEE
I have a unique situation in my family. We have 13 year old twins and then we had a "second family" a little girl who will be 3 in September and a little boy who will be 1. To say the least we learned alot between our twins and our "trailers". The one thing I have learned that helps my marriage more than anything is to go to bed with a messy house!!! I would love to have a perfect house but I love my husband more! If I use the last of my energy to load the dishwasher, pick up toys and do one more load of laundry, 50 years from now no one will ever remember it, but if I have a wonderful relationship with my husband by giving him some of my time and undivided attention at the end of the day we will be passing on a history that really means something. Someday the babies will be grown, my house will be clean, and I will still have a wonderful marriage!!!


ANGIE
I have 3 from 18mth to 7yrs, a couple of tips that come to mind:

1) We have one room in our house that is kid free for the most part (at least child thing free - no toys, no childrens books, no art projects, etc) this is the room my husband gets to come home to everyday that I know is going to be relatively clean no matter how often I was in there. We are lucky enough to also have our computer in that room and I try to keep his magazines and that day's newspaper for him in there. This gives him his opportunity to have his "cave time" (after he gives out hugs and kisses, of course) to wind down however he wants whether it be checking his e-mail, reading the newspaper, or whatever. This room is easy to keep clean and gives him the opportunity to cut me a little slack on some of the other rooms of the house when I just don't have the time or energy.

2) If you're struggling to find time to be intimate, shower together first thing in the morning - not only do you get your shower done for the day, it automatically puts an end time on your "experience" together - nobody wants to be beaned in the behind with cold water!! Plus it does have the added benefit of waking you up and giving you an energy boost for the morning.

3) Late dinner for grownups. The family dinner table is wonderful, but if it's been awhile since you've had a moment alone with your hubby, make a pan of lasagna (or any kid friendly casserole) the kids can eat at normal time and you can put the dish back in the oven on warm for a couple of hours and you and your husband can sit down to a candle light dinner after the kids are in bed. You might need to have some cheese and crackers or a little something to snack on to tide you over and you can always make the dinner more grown up - throw a couple of baked potatoes in the oven and have your husband grill steaks while you give the kids baths, tuck them in together and then have dinner.


"MRS. TITUS"
Start a babysitting co-op with friends from church, preferably others who would like to do over-nights, if the kids are old enough. Here's a link for a "how-to" - there are also for-pay resources on the net that have downloadable stuff such as posters, flyers, coupons, how-to's, etc. How to Create a Neighborhood Babysitting Cooperative.

By the way, my kids are 21 and 24, and I would give anything short of my salvation to again be a mother of young children, now that I know how swiftly the time flies. Now there's plenty of time for sex and for romance with my husband, and the time is gone for tossing a ball, feeding ducks, telling stories, flying kites, and most of all, teaching them about Jesus. One "caught it," one didn't, and I often wonder, if I'd just made time for devotions every evening, stayed with home-schooling longer, insisted they go with the youth on missions trips, etc., whether the wanderer would have stayed in the fold. I'll never know. I know children need to make their faith their own, but there's nothing like the heartache of seeing your beloved child walk away from the Lord. So cherish the time you have while they're young, beloved young Moms.


PAM
I understand being busy. We have 3 children ages 3 and under. One of the biggest helps to us is getting all the kids to bed consistently at the same time every night. This doesn't practically work out every night but most nights we can get everyone in bed. This gives us a couple hours of alone time to have a date night at home or just talk.


LISA
It isn't much, but every other month or so we have a date night and another couple watches our kids. Then we return the favor. We also occasionally have the kids all go to bed early and just watch a video together while snuggling on the couch.


LORREA
I have 3 children, an 8 yr old son and 15 month old twins and 1 on the way. On top of that my husband lost his job a year and half ago and has been working 2 jobs to keep the family afloat. I get to see him for a grand total of 2-3 hours a day maximum and often he is sleeping during that time. Spending time with each other is definalty a challenge, but I also knew it was vital to my sanity, my children's well being and our relationship.

It's not much but what I did was to get a special box of toys together for the younger ones and for 1/2 an hour at least 3 nights a week I sent all the kids to the nursery and my oldest child would play with the twins for 30 minutes while me and dh just cuddled on the couch. Sometime we talked for 30 minutes, sometimes we watched a tv show together we enjoyed and sometimes we would end up just napping together for 30 minutes. Often times it was the only 30 minutes that we had time to just be next to each other and re-charge.


RACHEL
I bought identical puzzles at the dollar store and had them "race" to get them done--it got us 20 minutes!

I also made a 6 hour video tape of Blues Clues for my insomniac 2 year old.


MARIBETH
This has been a very difficult season for "husband loving" so far, but we have had a couple of ideas that have helped us (we have 3 boys). After about 5 years with children, dh said, "I don't feel like you love me" ... and I realized ... "I FORGOT TO LOVE HIM!" So busy ... but no excuses are allowed because he is more important than the children (That principle is also from the Ezzos who wrote "Growing Kids God's Way"...very good material).

1. Once our [oldest was mature enough], we started putting them in bed and going on a walk in the neighborhood on Monday nights ... it's a true date and is my favorite time of the week! [Our oldest] stays awake until we get home and calls us with any questions or emergencies. It's worked out well.
2. We take an annual "husband/wife" vacation ... a full week ... each year. That can be a stretch with being away from babies and getting sitters and everything, but we have benefited from it greatly. We feel like it communicates to our children, too, that we love each other. That gives them security.
3. We have a date night almost every week.
4. My husband keeps the children one night a week and I have time to rejuvenate with friends, just be alone with God or get errands done, etc. That gives me more energy for him!
5. I text message him a lot just to say I'm thinking about him and love him, etc. Text messaging makes it such that you don't have to shush children to talk and it doesn't have to be a long conversation.


SUE
We have five children from 12 on down to one. For myself, I started taking a 15 minute bath almost every night, during which I read and wind down from the day. This usually occurs after all the children are settled in for the night, but when we had a baby that didn't need mom, dad would take over for that short time. This refreshed me for some time with my husband.

For my husband, I make sure I look him in the eye when I say 'I love you' as he heads off to work each morning, and when he returns at night. I leave notes or comfort items for him in the bedroom - he always heads there first when he gets home to change out of his work clothes. We plan our intimate times together - we have a special night each week we get together. On that day, I take a nap, make an easy supper, take a good shower, let a lot of house work go (I can always catch up tomorrow!), and mentally prepare myself to enjoy our time together. I also wear the children out that day, so they go to sleep easier and deeper that night.


MAGGIE
Our kids are 8, 7, 2.5, and 5 months. I work mostly from home but am in the office one morning a week. This is what works in our house:

~ I belong to a local gym. There are many in our area so I was able to find a womens only gym that understands the needs of good, inexpensive childcare. I am able to leave my children (all four) there for 1 1/2 hours per day. I use this time to exercise, shower, do my makeup and any other primping items that need to be done to care for myself. DH loves that I do all of this and it is much more feasible financially (30 bucks a month) than I originally thought. Other than the obvious health benefits, exercise has also been found through numerous studies to be almost as effective as anti-depressants. I have found that this is true with me also - I have a better outlook on life in general and find it easy to bless my DH when I am good about making it to the gym.

~ My DC have chore boards. We have instituted a plan of action that includes a board that is re-done on a monthly basis. They (between all of them) are in charge of the laundry (not the machines - just the "clothing movement" from place to place), trash, clearing dishes, picking up each floor of our house (since it is RARELY my bike helmet on the kitchen floor, :) making beds, cleaning out the car, feeding the dog, etc. This has multiple effects: A: It helps me out, B: They are picking up there own things, and C: It helps them to be cleaner with their stuff because they know they will ultimately be responsible for it. Even our two year old has responsibilities and loves to be part of the team. My DH has been blessed with the desire to have the house straightened up most of the time so this has been a huge challenge for me to try and maintain all of these years. As a team we now get to "bless Dad" with our abilities to meet this request of his. He sees it as us showing him we love him.

~ My older DC also partner up with their younger DS. Each has a partner that is available to help with shoes, hats, a hand to hold in the grocery store, etc. They are learning to be responsible and the younger siblings are looking to the older ones for help. It builds them both up.

I have had some people question whether or not this is too much pressure on my kids - the chores and partners. My children have plenty of time to play outside after school (usually an hour or two) and the extra responsibility of helping with the sibling is minor to them (they actually love the partnering) but huge to me. All of the little things that they can help out with helps to free my time up to do things they can't and also to focus on my DH's needs.

DH and I had to recently change our household from the kids running the show to this system, where DH is more the head and we are all in support of him (and each other). It was a struggle to get to this place and wasn't always pleasant. All of the activities above help to keep my energy up during the day so that I am not over the top tired or grouchy for DH.

We have also found that good nutrition in our home is paramount to energy and behavior levels. If we are not eating healthy then we are all sluggish, tired, grouchy, and we also have behavior issues with our oldest. Eating well helps to give us more energy and a better mood.


SHANNON
When I'm short on time and energy, I try to bless my hubby in simple quick ways. Here are some examples:

Does your hubby have favorite things? Mine has favorite dishes and cups and such. It doesn't take much time to pull those particular ones out for him when they are clean. He notices!

Pray for your husband as you put away his clothes when folding laundry.

Make your hubby's favorite foods for dinner. I do this on Friday and Saturday, sort of as a celebration that he's home for the weekend.

When time is short and you can't clean up the whole house, clean the parts that mean the most to your husband. If you don't know what those are, ask him!

Send him a quick email or leave him a voicemail at work telling him how much you love him and thanking him for working so hard.

Teach your kids to bless your husband. Get excited when he comes home from work. Even if you can't go meet him at the door, your excitement will spur your kids to meet him.


CHRISTI
We have 7 children ages 9 weeks to 10 years.

There are several ideas other ladies have given me that have helped.

1. communicate - Find out what things matter most to your husband. For some men it will be dinner being ready when he gets home. For other men it will be his wife having on makeup and greeting him at the door. For others it will be no dirty laundry or no clean laundry laying about. Find out what it is that matters most to them and focus on making sure that one thing is accomplished. My husband doesn't care if dinner is ready when he gets home or if I have on make-up. But one of his pet peeves is to come in and have clean laundry folded but not put up yet on our couch or table.

2. make a date night - Every week set aside one night a week that is alone/date night. If there are older children that can help tend to younger ones then put on a movie for them and some popcorn and that will typically entertain them for 1 1/2 to 2 hours. If you don't have older ones that can help then have that night be early to bed night and everyone goes to bed by 7:30 or 8 pm. I had one wise woman tell me that her husband knew that Sunday night was their quality time together. So no matter what all had gone on during the week and no matter how hard his week had been he knew that on Sunday evening he was going to have some undivided attention from his wife to talk about his week and have a "date". She said when they implemented this plan that she saw the change in her husband because he knew to expect time with his wife and it wouldn't get bumped because she was too tired. The wife made sure on Sundays to do whatever was needed to ensure that they had this time together. This also made her husband more understanding during the week if something came up and they couldn't have time together.

3. Take advantage of any opportunity. There is no light way to put this so just reword it as you feel - but when I was young and first married I thought the only time to have "quiet time" with my dear husband was in the evening when we went to bed for the night. I now know from 14 years of marriage and talking with wiser women that it is beneficial to take advantage of any time you are given.


TAMMY
We live on a tight budget, so spending money on dates just isn't possible - especially paying for babysitting. I asked a friend if she would want to trade babysitting hours, so we could each get out with our husbands at least once a month. During those times, my husband and I choose activities that don't cost anything.


JACQUI
I'm a mother of 1 with 1 on the way and here are a few things I do:

I make sure that there is time with just him after our daughter is in bed. Even if we just sit there together and watch TV and talk, I make sure that we have that time together.

The other thing is that my husband is very much into working on his car and his car club. Although the club is mostly guys, a lot of them are married with children as well. I purposely go with him to their events, packing to make sure that our daughter is well provided for. I am there to support him (I help by doing things like wash our truck and keep watch over our daughter) and meet with the other women who are doing the same. For wives whose husbands are into things like playing football or soccer with his friends should purposely make a day of it. Go out and support their husband while he does his things (cheering him on for example). Bring a picnic lunch and eat afterward. The husbands and the kids will both have a great time (our daughter does) and the kids will have a better appreciation of what their father loves.


BETHANY
The best advice I was ever given about parenting is also the best advice on taking care of yourself. Once a week have Dad take care of the kids for an hour or so. If you aren't used to doing this, it will be really hard at first ... and try not to worry too much. It would probaby take him much more than an hour to corrupt the kids for life! In this hour do something that is for you and you alone ... go to the spa, read a book, shopping therapy, a long bubble bath ... whatever fits into your budget and helps you relax. I would also make sure that either you or hubby (with the kids) leaves the house. It is really hard to relax when you hear the baby crying or the bag of cookies open again. If you leave the house ask hubby not to call you (instead call his mother, sister, aunt, your mother, etc.) with questions. At first, you may feel selfish for taking this time, but afterwards you will understand why. Every mother needs a little time to be more than Mommy. When you get the personal time you need to keep your head on straight you will better be able to handle the challenges of the kids and be more willing to make couple time. Remember the old phrase "Absense makes the heart grow fonder" ... it works with your kids too.

P.S. Dad could probably use some time like this as well ... take the kids for ice cream after dinner so Dad can watch his favorite TV show in peace.


MICHELLE
Plan date nights in advance and set them in your calendar like you had an appointment with the president!! Find a babysitter who is willing to watch the kids on a set date each month (e.g. the second Friday of each month) or more if you can afford it. Then put those dates in your calendar with permanent marker! That way you are not scrambling to find a babysitter at the last moment when you guys really need connect time. The date will become part of your monthly calendar and give you something to look forward to - a night out from the kids!!!


BARBARA
Put the kids to bed early. Take a shower, get dressed up (or down!) and fix your hair and put on some lipstick!! Set a beautiful dinner table for two, including candles (turn off the lights!). Either make dinner or have hubby bring home a favorite and put it on your best dishes. Spend the evening TOGETHER, talking and cuddling. :)


CHARITY
1. First and foremost, remember that everything in life is only for a season. It's easy to get caught up in how tired you are with a newborn, and sometimes we begin to feel that is the way life is going to stay. But, praise God, its only for a season - and 'this too shall pass' and the husband and wife must keep in mind to persevere and better days are ahead! In weeks ahead the baby will start sleeping better, and mom and daddy will have more energy for each other, and mom's body will recuperate from the birth and she'll have more energy. In these early weeks, focusing on each other and having romantic time can be obsolete - and that's understandable when a newborn is in the picture - folks should not be hard on themselves about this! This is a great time for the husband to show how great he is by doing all he can ... and mom should be focusing on that little baby - so really I believe these early weeks are for Dad to step up to the plate with everything while Mom takes care of baby ... and when Mom gets back her energy she can start 'thanking' him.

2. Date night is important! One night a week is great for Mom and Dad - and very needed! Date night does not always have to be kids at home and Mom and Dad out for dinner. One time we sent our kid to the babysitter and WE stayed at home, had a bath with candle lighting, and made dinner and took a NAP!! We can figure out our priorities by looking at how we spend our time....and we generally can see we need more time spent on the marriage!!! Kids are secondary - plus they need to see mom and dad focusing on each other MORE than they need mom and dad putting kids first!

3. If Dad pitches in and helps with bathing kids, dinner clean up, and chores - house hold duties get so SO MUCH faster and then there's more time for husband and wife to relax together!!!

4. We have to fight the sleep-monster! Sometimes there is time for husbands and wives ... but we let tiredness get in the way. So let's sit up in bed, wait for the other spouse to join us ... read together ... or have a conversation at the end of the day when you aren't half asleep but focused on each other. This 'Quality Time' goes a long way when we are tending to kids needs all day long!


MISSTY
We have 4 boys!

Tip #1 All the kids - no matter how old all went to bed or to their bedrooms to sleep or quiet time at 8:00. This gave me and my husband time to wind down, relax and enjoy one another. Even as teens/young adults they still tend to retreat to their own rooms around 9:00 or so.

#2. It's ok to let your children watch a video or children's TV, so mom and dad can have an hour to relax or talk in the bedroom.

#3. With small kids - you have to be organized! Or you are working ALL the time! Get rid of everything! Only have minimal things, makes clean up easier. Set up a schedule, of find what works best for you. Work smarter - not harder.

#4. Hire a babysitter or get grandma to watch kids for an evening out. It is so rejuvenating to get out to see a movie, etc. without anyone under 3 ft. tall! Even a newborn can be left for a quick 1/2 hour bite to eat.

5. Make sure to look nice. Do your hair and makeup if that is what you like. If you look nice, you will feel nice, and if you feel nice ... your husband will notice!


CHERRYL
A few years ago, Dr. David Hocking came and spoke at our church, I don't remember all of what he said, but the jest of it was that your spouse was a gift from God, and your children were offspring. The Bible says that we are to become one, the children are an add on to that "one." He gave lots of great advice about marriage but the one suggestion he gave that I remember most was that the first 15-30 minutes that both spouses are together in the evening, or whatever time of day worked best for them, was THEIR time, the kids were not allowed to intrude for any reason other then death, Granted the kids miss Daddy while he is off at work, But Momma get the first 15-30 minutes of Dads time, because they were a couple before they were Mom and Dad. We don't usually get 15 minutes in our house, but I always get the first greeting and kiss and hug, and that means a lot to me when I know we have both had very hectic days.


DAWN
A little back gound first. I was raising one when we were living with my in-laws and living in one bedroom ... Not fun. My second I was raising when my DH was VERY ill ... He was in ICU with Respiratory arrest 2 months prior to her being born. Again with Dh's parents. That meant four of us in one room. I also homeschool so Dh and I have learned to take advantage of our alone times ...

These are some of the tips to do with the kids and DH
#1 Put the kids down early and be quiet.
#2 Play in the bedroom with the kids on the weekend. Have the kids pile on your bed while Dh is drinking coffee or reading the paper or whatever.
#3 Read aloud and have cuddle time with the kids before bed then go out to DH.

Here are the tips to do for you.
#1 Have DH play with the kids while you soak in the tub for about 1-2 hrs.
#2 Have about 1/2 hr of private/quiet time before the kids get up if you need to do it before anyone gets up and be quiet. ;)
#3 Have a stash of chocolate (or just for you) treats.
#4 Have Dh take the kids on a date (to the park or whatever) so you can have you-time.
#5 Read the BIBLE.
#6 In the evening do something just for you.

FOR DH
#1 Wake up early to "play."
#2 Have a best friend/grandparents watch the kids for a few hours.
#3 Take up a weekly hobby together (dh and I both like to camp and hunt so that is what we do togehter).
#4 Have some quiet time after the kids are in bed (another thing make sure they actually have a bed time). Dh and I usually do this when he first gets home we go to the bedroom and relax a bit and visit. Our kids, 10 and 13, are usually down the street playing.


JANICE
Here's a way to have couple time when you have small children: Once you put the kids to bed, read a bedtime story to your spouse. It could be as mild as an magazine article that caught your eye or a spicy book ... it doesn't matter so long as you have the time together.

Personal time for Mom: Tell your husband and kids that Mom needs some quiet time. Let him take the kids to the movies, the park or to get some pizza while you create spa time at home. Give yourself a nice bubble bath with scented candles lit all around, nice soft music or a good book. If you want to turn this into couple time, hire a neighborhood teenager or swap time with a neighbor who has children too.


LAURA
I take care of my 3 kids, 3-years-old and under, and my husband works, so ... we just can't seem to stay awake for a movie any more, so here is what we did this week for a date. We got the kids in bed a little early, grabbed snacks and a board game (we love Monopoly), set a time limit, and had fun. It was great to just be silly and goof off, not having to talk about work, the kids or finances.


JOHANNA
My husband and I have a 15 month old son. We try to put him down for the night between 7 and 7:30 so that we have pleny of "just us' time before we go to bed ...


DAWN
Date night is crucial. I have seven children and we weren't always perfectly consistent, but time alone as a couple is important weekly if possible. With a nursing baby, baby can come along because baby can't be left long, but baby is usually cooperative unless he has colic. Not having babies anymore and feeling much more grounded and sane, we can now go more often. But even if it is a 30 minute walk, a visit to the ice cream store or a longer dinner or movie out, connecting with your spouse and making it a priority, helps continue to build the relationship. Also, since time is scarce just find the small things. The best one I can think of is to catch your husband (just like your children) doing something good. Express gratitude for changing the diaper, staying up with the baby, cleaning up the toddler who threw up, or being tender with you.


A MOTHER (in Australia)
I am past that season now, but at the time, we did several things. We hired babysitters at times. We went for walks in the park where the kids would run off and about, or be in the stroller - but it did allow dh and I some time to talk and connect. We made sure the kids were in bed nice and early.

But I think the main thing was that dh trained our children from a young age that he and I needed some space at times, and if we were deep in a conversation, or just needed some time having a cup of tea together, he insisted on the children letting us be - they didn't have rights to me at all times. Even 1 and 2 year olds can understand this. It was harder for me to let go of mothering and just let the children play in another room when they want my attention - but I am glad dh was so insistent. Kids need attention, but so do husbands. It has given us plenty of time together, and given the kids the gift of parents who make sure each other is a priority.


JENNIFER
One of our favorites was a bubble bath for both of us. We would put the kids to bed and light some candles and run a hot bubble bath. Sometimes we would have a hot drink or fresh fruit also. It was relaxing, or more if we wanted it to be, but we spent that time reconnecting and relaxing together. That started when we had a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and 3 month old.

It also went a long way when I took the time to make sure the one chore he wanted done was done, not just the ones that were important to me. And he was much more likely to help me than be frustrated if that one thing was done. For my husband, it is making sure the entry way to our house is picked up so he doesn't see a mess when he comes home. The rest of the house can be in shambles and he will not care as much. On the flip side, he is so discouraged if he steps into a mess as soon as he gets in the door even of the rest of the house is spotless.


NAOMI
This is something I've been struggling with recently. I only have one baby, but I also have a heart condition which leaves me exhausted halfway through the day. Before getting pregnant, I think I was doing OK. I tried to do at _least_ one nice thing a day, and usually succeeded 3-4 times a week. Now ... well, I think I've just worked out that the nice things just have to be smaller. A quick neck rub instead of a slow full-body massage. An addition of a favourite food to the dinner I was planning to cook anyway. Buying a packet of red foil-covered hearts, hiding them away, and leaving one on the pillow every now and then.


SHAWNEE
Being a mom of seven we have to find moments of the day to spend together. One of my favorite is when my husband comes home at night we put the kids to bed early and let them read but they have to stay in their rooms. Then we pop some popcorn and pick out a movie both of us would like to see. We have surround sound so it's the theater experience at home.

We also have had special meals. Like I will cook for the kids and then set them up with a movie downstairs and then turn the house into a gourmet restaurant. Sometimes my husband cooks a meal that is just to die for. We sit together and eat and just talk about our day.


ESTHER
The first thing that pops into my mind for this busy mother is "find a good babysitter, so you can have an evening for yourself and your husband now and then".


KATE
When our kids were that age we had zero extra money. We would crank the music (records in those days, now I guess it is CDs!) and dance, dance, dance in the living room - sometimes the kids would join us, sometimes after they were in bed.

When you hold your honey through a love song, nature takes care of itself. Those nights were the most fun we ever, ever had as a couple and they cost nothing!


AMBER
Recently I stole my dh for 5 minutes, I had our oldest (6yr) keep an eye on the youngest (8weeks) while the others (1 yr and 4) were asleep. He's been adding on a south facing nursery for our dc, I took him out there for 5 minutes of "snuggles" under a partial finished roof during a rain fall. My goal was to make him feel really good and special really quick(ie).


FRANCIJN
What helps me, is planning my time-off as well as my work. Why should you make a schedule of your work and forget that you need rest??

And: ask for help. People understand that you are tired.


MARY
Some things that worked for me are:

1. Sleep whenever the baby sleeps - you can always do laundry, dishes and cooking while they are in the play pen or in a stroller beside you.

2. Weather permitting, playing with the kids outside gives them a chance to play, exert some of their endless energy and you a chance to do some indoor work. One partner stays in and cleans - the other is out with the kids.

3. One-dish meals are usually time savers and easier on the kids. Our family favourite is a fried rice (I cheat and put all ingredients in a rice-cooker and let them cook till done). Ingredients usually include some of everyone's favourites such as carrots, tomatoes, sausage / hamburgers cut into 1 inch pieces, cauliflower, broccoli, leeks). Anything basically that everyone will enjoy. Another favourite is spaghetti with a meat sauce as it cooks very quickly and if you add grated carrot or eggplant to the sauce it then includes vegetables which are good for everyone.

4. Kids love to help with the housework so if you give them small chores to do you will find that they enjoy being a part of your daily routine.

5. Alone time is difficult with the range of ages however it is not impossible. I have struggled with this one but managed to get a routine whereby I return from work at 6 PM. Have a small dinner and my husband and I take my 2 young girls to the beach (4 & 2 years). My husband plays with them for an hour while I walk (3 km) and when I return we head back home. They usually have so much fun running on the beach that they are quite exhausted and have enough energy for their bath before getting into bed at 9. That way we have the rest of the night to ourselves which is quite good considering we used to get them to bed by 11 before.

6. Another tip that works well for me is saving certain household chores for the weekend when I don't have to wake up early to get kids off to school. This way I can work around the kids at home.

Point # 1 was something my Mum taught me when I was a single-Mum to my son (who is now 15 years old and is very independent) and although I wanted to spend every waking moment doing something I soon learned that she was absolutely right and that it was the best thing I'd ever learned from my Mum (among other wonderful things).


CATHERINE
My husband and I just got back from a weekend away (without our little one). What a wonderful break. Although it wasn't even 48 hours it just gave us (especially me) the strength to go on. This is the first time we have been away since my boy was born 21 months ago and we should have done it sooner!


CHRISTINE
We have two little ones at home and have struggled with finding time for individually and as a couple. Once a week, we have a date night at home once the kids go to bed. We make a little snack and do something at home - normally it is just a movie but it gives us a chance to cuddle and be together. On the nights we don't have a date night, hubby comes up bed with me and we will lay together and talk/cuddle for about 20 minutes. He normally gets up after that and does his own thing but those 20 minutes of just us time does us wonders!! For me, I have both kids on the same afternoon nap. I try to make it a priority to do something for myself during that nap time. I usually succeed two times a week but it helps me keep my sanity!


TONYA
Realize we are not super humans ... ask and accept help. It does not make us less of a mom or wife to say, "I am tired and I need help". The help may come in many forms, parents, in-laws, church, friends, spouse, etc. ... just recognize the need and be willing to embrace it.

Also, enforced bedtimes are a life saver. Set a time ... and stick to it. Make it early enough that you and your spouse have time together before 11 o'clock at night ... I was not good at this and I now regret it.


CHRISTINE
As a Mom of 6 kids ranging from age 13 to not born yet, I always get a kick out of the suggestion that couples should be sure to get a babysitter once a week and go out for date night. This is simply not practical and very financially taxing during this stage of life. Now that we have an older babysitting age child, we go out for coffee together alone mostly once a week, but when our kids were all little, we had date night at home.

Once a week, when everyone was finally asleep, one of us would be in charge of choosing the activity. We had a previously brainstormed list that we chose from. Sometimes, we'd colour in colouring books, sometimes we'd have foot massages, sometimes we'd make ice cream sundaes. This was just as satisfying and bonding as any out-of-the-house date night and basically free. Both of us have very fond memories of this time.


RHONDA
1) let Dad take on some of the chores so you can have a break ... my husband used to take care of bathing and bedtime rituals.

2) Enforce bedtimes for the older children ... this will at least give you a time every evening when you two can connect and talk.

3) Ask your husband to let you take a nap on Saturday/Sunday or even in the early evening, so that you will have some energy to bless him.

4) After the new baby is back in bed after a night feeding, wake your husband up with a generous physical act, then both can go back to sleep before it is really time to start the day. Or use a few minutes to write a note for him and leave it where he will find it.

5) If you know any stay at home moms or have relatives or friends who are available in the day (or trustworthy teenagers) see if they will babysit for you to allow you some "YOU" time, then you will feel more like giving to your spouse and your kids.

6) Thank your husband for everything you notice that he does for you and the kids ... and do it in front of the kids, the neighbors, the grandparents.

7) When he comes home, stop what you are doing as much as possible and tell him you love him while looking in his eyes. Give him a kiss and tell him how glad you are to have him for a husband.

8) When you buy groceries, or are out running errands, look for some of his favorites (candy, fruit, dinner choices, sodas, whatever) and bring them home just for him. Make sure to state you saw this and knew how much he liked it, so you bought it for him.

9) Tell him you are tired, but want him anyway. At least a couple of nights a week, as soon as the kids are down, focus all attention on him ... the laundry, the dishes, the toys in the floor will wait.

10) Have the kids help you as much as possible with chores ... they may not do as well as you would, but it is work in progress and be content with what they can do. The younger ones can throw clothes into the washer, carry the bathroom garbage out, pick up toys/books. Have the older ones rinse dishes while you wash, or sweep the floor, clean the mirror in the bath room, dust, ... they love to help, let them help you.

11) Be realistic about what you can expect yourself to do at this time. What is going to matter 1 year from now? 10 years from now? 100 years from now? How you invest in your family will last more than having the clean house, the great meals, the hair that is fixed just so. When you make your priorities, ask will this matter next year? 10 years from now? Focus on the things that really matter. Giving your kids a great marriage example will matter, because it teaches them how to have a great marriage and that it is important. Spending time with your kids really matters, because it builds them up and provides teachable moments that will never be repeated. Taking care of you really matters, because it keeps your energy up and teaches your kids that when they grow up, they also need to have some time for themselves to keep their energy, their self esteem, and their relationships growing.


JAYNE
I am the mother of 4 (now mostly grown) children, 3 girls and a boy. When the first was young, I started a habit of always having her in her bed by 8 - 8:30 at the latest. The time after was parent time. I kept this up even when they were older. They didn't have to go to sleep, but be ready for bed and in their rooms. As they got older this might be homework time or reading time, but still parent time for us. Of course, there were those few exceptions every week, but most generally they all knew the rules and kept to them.


JAMIE
One of the easiest ways for us to spend alone time together was when someone, mostly my mom would take the kids out for a walk or to the playground. We would have a date in our home. You need to take advantage of every chance you get. I also would try to have everything calm at home when he would get in from work. If possible I'd plan movie time or coloring (anything quiet) for right before he'd come home. If things were peaceful when he'd walk I the door, we could have a few minutes to say hi and catch up on the day. If I gave the kids some undivided time before he got home they would sometimes stay content for us to chat. If it wasn't so peaceful at the time he came home, we would grab a few minutes later that evening. Once again after we played with them we could usually have a moment to chat while they were content. Most of all, when we got stressed due to lack of alone time, we would try to focus on the fact that it was just a season of life, and that the kids would grow so fast that we needed to treasure every moment of when they were small.


MARY
When all of my children were small, I tried to make sure to freshen up just before my husband got home from work--maybe a quick shower, definitely clean clothes, freshly-brushed hair, and maybe even a little make-up. It showed him I cared about him and did not just give him the dregs of myself and my day.

I also tried to give him a 20-second hug as he came in the door. It gave us a chance to really feel the hug and to connect. Many times, that awakened us both to the idea that the children are not the only ones that need attention. It also started to set the mood for intimate time later. It actually can energize the tired wife.


VALERIE
Be sure to nap, even if it's only a cat nap, while the baby sleeps. I used to put in a video for my dd who was four and I'd lay down on the couch in the same room. I'd explain that I was very tired and needed a nap. My four year old didn't take naps anymore or she'd be up until 10 or 11 pm. I guess it depends on the maturity level of the children too. It was more of a cat nap, but it helped.

Another idea is to prepare more than enough for dinner/supper. Buy and prepare extra ground beef. It freezes nicely in zip lock baggies and cuts prep time down for dinner. If you make more than enough you can freeze left-overs and serve them later. Keep God first. I would pray while I sat with my baby and I don't know how I'd truly made it with out His help. God will supply all your needs.

Another idea is, if possible, ask both sets of granparents to take two for one evening or one set to take all of them for an afternoon. I never left mine for more than a few hours when they were little. If you don't live near your parents, maybe there is someone in church that is older and doesn't see their grandkids as much and wouldn't mind helping out.


Even more "tired wife" tips ...




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