back to article page

LISA
We would try everyday, when my husband got home from work and went to change his clothes, to take a few minutes to just go in our room, shut the door and discuss our days. Somedays it was just not possible, some days we got only 2 minutes until a baby cried or a toddler came looking for us, other days we would get 30 minutes or more. A few times we were up there so long we ordered a pizza from there!! Obviously as the kids get older, you can squeeze in more time, but even a few minutes a day helps to reconnect.


JEANA
I am a busy mom of 4 and work full time. My husband is a sports fanatic. If he isn't playing, he is watching. I have learned a lot about the games he enjoys and spend time with him while he watches. I don't necessarily watch the game, but I do make sure I do whatever it is I am doing in the same room as him. I feel this blesses both of us. He also has someone to "High Five" when there is a great play!


JODY
We have four boys: 13, 6, 5, and 4 so taking time for ourselves has been very important. Over the years we've had to come up with some creative ways to get babysitting as money has been tight. One thing we did that worked really well was that we observed some of the couples in our church who are our age and have young kids. When we found a couple that was similar to us in parenting styles: discipline, TV / no TV, junk food / no junk food, etc. we asked them if they would like to trade off on date nights. For a period of about two years, we got free babysitting every other Tuesday night. On the Tuesday nights that weren't our date night, we watched our friends' kids. This worked very well! It has backfired on us though when we've asked parents who aren't similar to us in parenting style so I think that part is very important.


CHRISTEL
I have three children, ages 4, 7, and 9. My husband is a preacher who works out of his home office so we are both here all day some days to deal with the kids. On those days we're both exhausted by the time we get the little ones in bed. What I enjoy more than anything is just climbing into a steaming hot tub and leaning back against him. Nothing sexual intended - but I must admit, by the time we get out of the tub, I am more than ready to "bless" my husband.


LYNDA
One of the things I remember from those busy days when our children were small was taking a drive in the car with babies and toddlers in their car seats. We would then go through a drive through and order coffee and talk while we drove around. Sometimes the kids would fall asleep making it even better! I guess we were desperate but it seemed to bring us closer and created a respite in the busy day. I had twins at the time so just having them out of my arms was good for a while.


MENDI
The best thing that works for my family is a consistent schedule. We have always had the boys in bed at 8:00. Now they are older (both 11 years old) they go in their rooms at 8:00 with lights on. They read or study quietly (no TV or video games). Lights out at 9:00, when they were little it was prayers and straight to bed at 8:00, then lights out at 8:30 but as they are older it is 9:00 and we probably won't change that until later in the teen years. There are times they gripe about the rules because their friends get to stay up as late as they want. But their parents do not get time to themselves and we do. They know they do not leave their room past the 8:00 time and are allowed one potty break just before 9:00. This time allows me and my husband time to relax, watch a show or just cuddle. A consistent schedule could work for every family at various times. I also delay "video game time" until when I expect my husband home from work. That way when he comes home they are focused in their rooms having fun. After their 30 minutes is up my husband and I have already had our "how was your day" talk. The boys come out then and get quality time with dad just before dinner. This is very easy to do. Trust me; I am not a type A personality so a rigid schedule was not my game plan in the beginning. But seeing the wonderful benefits, I recommend it to all young mothers starting out.


MICHELE
I certainly understand about the small children and no time for hubby. With my youngest at 7 years old now, and the oldest of 7 at 21 years old, I would do things differently if I had a chance.

Enlist all the help you can get. Get several people or families that would be willing to take (any number) of the kids for even one day or night on a regular basis. ASK. People are usually delighted to help but they don't know how.

Consider bottle feeding when baby is 2 or 3 months old. The child will not die of neglect! I breastfed all 7 for 1 to 2 years, except one. This was an enormous drain on energy and time, and took its toll on the marriage relationship. The child I had to wean at 10 months did just fine with the bottle, then cup. This will give you back your energy and more time for your husband, and he can feed the little one too.

Ask a teenager or retiree to come and clean your house once a week. They could do it for the Lord, or if the budget allows, you could pay them. Vacuum, clean kitchen, bathrooms, put all clutter into baskets ... this could take less than an hour but will certainly relieve stress for you. Less stress for you means more romance time with your husband.

If logistics make it possible, ask someone who might need a ministry to come in and do your laundry every other day. Stop being so proud and let people help. It's reward in heaven for them!!

Make a conscious effort to feel sexy and delight your husband. Every day, shower and put on makeup. Let some chore go so you can do this. Get rid of the frumpy sack-like clothes. Even if your shape is big (or lumpy, or saggy), hit the Thrift Shop and get jeans or dark pants or skirts that fit. Then get some pretty blouses. Wear a little jewelry, even for everyday. Get a couple of lacy intimates and wear them to bed. Don't reject his advances. Dump the flannel nightgowns. Who thinks those are cute!! When your husband thinks of 'sexy', YOU come to mind, not the woman at the office.

Stop hollering at your kids. Years back, when I felt loss of control, my voice would get louder and louder. Make a conscious effort to speak softly, even whisper, to the kids. Expect less of them....perfectionistic moms grate on the nerves of the husband. Shrill voices and a 'corner of the rooftop" go hand in hand. Enlist your husband for half an hour in the evenings to get some kids ready for bed. Wink at him or whisper in his ear that it will be to BOTH you benefits. Make their bedtimes early. Don't let them up after 7 p.m and you and your husband will have time to connect.

If you are a homeschooling mom, realize that you often cannot be all things to all your children. I homeschooled for 15 years and this past year our kids went out to school. Several went to public school (the devil has not eaten them up, much to my delight!), several went to christian school. Whatever your situation dictates, know that God is in control. I can finally think straight and am not a 'frazzled weary mom." My relationship with my husband and children too, is better than ever, and, at almost 50, our sex life is unbelievably beautiful. Trust God and remember that you are a wife first. "...the marriage bed is undefiled..."

Now that you have a little more time, read a couple good books or websites on sexual technique. Investigate intimate marital aids, and use them. Your husband will thank you for it! And it just might save your marriage.


DEBRA
Just prior to dinner time can be an exhausting time for women, especially who have cared for young children all day. Suggestion: get the kids settled (maybe pop in a Christian video or something they enjoy, but make them wait to watch it during this time), have dinner simmering and lock yourself away for 15 minutes. Making this a discipline every day helps keep the routine. During this time, light a candle, listen to relaxing music, turn off the lights and pull the blinds or meditate on Scripture. The point is -- give yourself 15 minutes of down time in transitioning from the demands of the day to the demands of the evening. :)


GRACE
My husband is not a morning person. Before we had children, I would often take him something to eat while he was still in bed. It would give him the "boost" he needed to get up and start his day. After our little ones came, I let that little kindness fall by the wayside.

Recently, I started the "breakfast in bed" routine again. I realized that taking him a piece of toast or a bowl of cereal in bed didn't take much effort if I prepared it along with the children's breakfast. Plus, my 3-year-old girl LOVES taking Daddy his breakfast. So, I'm blessing my husband and teaching my daughter the joy of serving all at the same time!


TARA
When I'm exhausted and sitting down to fold laundry or whatever in the evenings, I fill a basin of very warm water and soak my feet while I sit - it's amazing how it relaxes you!


KELLY
A tip I have (as a mom of 3 young children and 1 more on the way!) is to take 10 minutes for yourself before your husband gets home from work. I've read this in many books but didn't put it into practice until recently. "I'm already tired, drained, and worn out ... I don't feel like DOING anything else!" That was the way my thinking went.

When I started taking 10 minutes to pray, freshen up my makeup, put on some lightly scented lotion and a spritz of perfume, and change into something a little more wife-like (instead of mommy attire), I felt a fresh surge of energy. It's been amazing! I highly recommend women try this for a week just to see the difference it will make in their physical, spiritual, & emotional energy level. How true it is that when our attitude says "give" we receive so much more.


NICOLE
My husband and I have a 6 year old with severe Autism and mental retardation. We don't leave him very often for these reasons. So night time, after he and his sister have gone to bed, has become our couple time and catch up time. He goes to bed at 7 so I spend the first hour doing things I need to catch up on like laundry, email and so on. My husband does the same. Then we come together and do something we like. Sometimes I make a special snack for the two of us and we have it in bed on our bed trays or we make decaf coffee and sit in the living room and pretend we are at Starbucks. Sometimes we watch a movie or play a game. It all depends on what we feel like doing. This has helped us greatly as a couple because the demands during the day often pull us apart.


MEG
Here is something fun that we did one night. My husband was born in Brazil so we chose Brazil, but you could really choose ANY country. We had Brazil night! During the day while he was at work, we cleared out the living room of furniture and spread a picnic blanket and set up for a "beach party." I made three Brazilian dishes for dinner and a Brazilian desert (yummy flan!) and then when my husband got home we changed into bathing suits and started the Brazilian music we downloaded. We ate dinner on the picnic blanket and then played a mini game of soccer (but you could choose any ethnic game). Then we put the kids to bed. And I took him into our room where I had previously set up a bunch of pillows covered by beach towels (and locked the kids out of) and shells and had put out a bottle of massage oil. (He had gotten to see all this while changing into his bathing suit but was not allowed to touch it...i think it intrigued him. =) I had borrowed a heat lamp from some friends, and so I just had him lay down on the towels in his bathing suit and gave him a romantic massage! I had also made smoothies ahead of time just to cool us down at this point! It was really fun and the kids still want another "Brazil Night" and I don't think my husband would mind either. =)


OPHELIA
Develop a consistent early bedtime. My husband and I have 4 children (11, 9, 5, 4) the smaller children are bathed and in the bed between 8:15 and 8:30 and the older two by 9:00 p.m. All other family members know that after 9:00 p.m. we don't answer the phone and at times we've just let people ring the door bell. That's our time together when we talk, watch a little TV or just hold each other and drift off to sleep.


CONNIE
My daughter loves children, and when she was in junior high, she would offer young moms her services to just come over and play with her children. She called herself a "mother helper" and the mom was still there, but with someone else there to play with and keep watch over her children, she was able to do something for herself - take a bath, do her nails, fix dinner, etc. My daughter gained valuable experience for being a baby sitter later, and the mom had confident time to herself without worrying about the safety or condition of her children (since she was still there in the house). Sometimes the moms would pay her a minimal amount; sometimes she would just donate her time as a ministry. A valuable experience for both daughter and mom. Ask around the church. I'm sure there are other daughters who would love to get into this "mother helper" ministry.


SHERRIE
I recommend On Becoming Baby Wise (TGW caution: While I respect a parent's right to train their children as they see fit, I must share that I have concerns with Ezzo's methodology. If you read this book, please do so with caution.). My children have all slept through the night by 5 weeks old using their method. For a sleepy mom with more than one kid, it is a life saver.


JINA
My "energy" tip is this: when kids are napping, utilize this as your quiet time. Time alone with the Lord and resting is time well spent!

Also, sit down with hubby and actually share your schedule that you have been consistantly doing ... and request his wisdom in ordering your life.


HEATHER
Be flexible with your visions of time together ... I always pictured what my parents did, which was talking together in bed in the morning while drinking coffee and reading their Bibles ... my husband sleeps until the last possible minute, wakes up to a sermon on the radio, doesn't drink coffee, and dashes out the door. We have seven kids, age 1-13, and our time together is precious and rare. So I make it a point to go into the bathroom to talk to him while he's in the shower.

And everyone should read Created to be His Helpmeet by Debbie Pearl! Love that book! (TGW caution: I have significant diffictulty with much of the Pearl's writings, so I feel that I need to add a caution. If you read this book, please do so with your brain in gear.)


MARY
The most important advice that I can give is make sure your children know who is the boss in your familes until they are totally self supporting. Our children are grown and we have been blest with Christian spouses for our Christian children. Thank the Lord. Lots of money, time and love went in to raising them, but my husband and I were almost always consistent. Work work work till Jesus comes. You will turn around and they will be grown. Enjoy Enjoy Enjoy ...


KAREN
I also had four children (the youngest is heading off to college now) each one and a half to two years apart. We handled the problem of together time by setting an early bed time for the kids. They were in bed by 8 p.m. which gave us time together. I was a stay at home mom and my husbad worked 3rd shift so we had time with the kids earlier in the day. I know working moms are sometimes picking up the kids at 6 and then have to make dinner so it won't work for everyone.


PAULA
Leave post-it notes of affirmation around (on bathroom mirror, in briefcase, etc.).

Buy ready-made dessert and share it as soon as the kids are asleep at night - or have a pizza delivered for a late dinner.

Sit outside after dark (next to the baby monitor).

Wake up in the middle of the night for couple time, then go back to sleep before the alarm goes off.

Make getting the kids to bed a priority.

Go somewhere with a playplace like McDonalds or a park with a surrounding fence so the older ones can play and you can talk with husband with less interruptions.

Drive together and talk (great if the kids go to sleep in the car (naptime/bedtime) or you have a DVD player).

Smile when you first see each other - do your eyes light up when he walks in the room?

Two twenty-second kisses each day.

Take care of yourself so you have something left to give, and remember everyone longs to feel appreciated.

If you can afford it, get some help with mundane things like housework, so you have more energy and time to enjoy your family and don't spend the time you do have together doing housework. If you can't afford it, catch up on it another day.


TERRIE
Pair up with another family and trade off sitting. My hubby and I get to go out every other week, and on the off week they get to have a game or movie night with friends (so we still get a bit of time with each other). Even though our oldest are now able to babysit we still switch off now and then so they can have buddy time.

Take grandparents up on watching the kids, or maybe adopt a set of grandparents from church who you respect and ask them if they would be able to watch the kids. We have many seniors at church who don't have grandkids living near and cherish the opportunity to have adopted some.

Hire a young lady from church who is not yet able to babysit alone to come and play with the kids while you get things done around the house or take a nap so you are ready for your DH when he gets home. I've found that 11-13 year old girls love playing with the little ones, and if they get $5 for getting to play for a few hours they are really excited. Some may want to just do it for free. You are freed up to do things and they are learning the responsibilities of taking care of little ones.

Our DHs appreciate a happy rested wife more than a spotless house.


JULIA
My husband and i take post-it notes and write "surprise, I love you" on them. Then we hide them in easy to find places for the other to discover later (ie, the silverware drawer, inside the car, on his toothbrush, on the computer...). It takes little emotional effort and the message still warms the heart. Sometimes we will attach a small gift with it too like a new pair of his favorite socks, a nerf football, or his favorite snack/candy bar. It has worked well for us.


DAWN
I remember when I had three under 7 and how busy life was. The best thing for me (and therefore my husband) was an evening to myself. I would plan a few hours to eat dinner alone, shop at Walmart, or even grocery shop alone. Sometimes it would be a dinner out with friends. But I always came home reenergized. Sit your husband down and let him know how important it is for you. I would do it once every 4-6 weeks, and it was wonderful, some moms might be able to do it more often. But I often found scheduling time for myself was more beneficial for both of us than planning alone time with each other.


JOY
I have 5 children ranging in age from 3 months to 8 years and one of the things my husband and I do (not that we like doing it, but it has to be done) is fold the washing together.

No, doesn't sound very romantic, but it's a time when we can have very meaningful conversations about just stuff. The children usually stay away just in case we might ask them to help.


QUINNE
This is something really simple, but it means a lot to us. My husband is a bivocational pastor (40 hr week at regular job and 24/7 as pastor) and we have two little ones in the house (homeschooling too!). Time is always our greatest challenge and our greatest prayer request :)

We meet each evening on the couch at 10:30 or 11 - whichever time works best for him with sermon prep. We cuddle up and visit or watch a short video or discuss something or have sex. :) The best thing is just knowing that that time is there for just us.


SUSAN
This is more for the parents of teen-aged daughters, but it has everything to do with tired moms of many young ones. Making sure our daughters are taught to be servants from the earliest age puts them in a position when they are older of being incredible blessings to moms in need of help. Our daughters are familiar with most of the "ins and outs" of managing a household not only through my training them to be homemakers in our own home, but also by their staying with multiple children for a few days while their mom was giving birth to another blessing, or while mom and dad took a couple of days for themselves. They recently spent 4 days at the home of a couple that just had baby #7. Both the mom and dad were home during this time, and my girls were able to give them lots of needed rest while keeping the other children in tow, preparing meals, and keeping the house in order.

We need to keep our eyes and ears open to these needs, offereing help when appropriate as well as making sure these moms know our daughters are available.


KARLA
I am a stay at home mom with a very active two and a half year old boy and a very talkative four and a half year old girl. When my two and a half goes for his nap, I send my four and a half either to her room or downstairs (where the playroom is) for her "quiet time" so she can either read or play quietly while that gives me at least an hour or two to do whatever I need to do or just relax. Whatever I need for that day. Sometimes I take a nap, other times I read my bible or other favourite book. Some days I do dishes (because I know my DH appreciates it when he doesn't have to come home and do them). When the kids go to bed at night and my DH is working a late shift, I either watch some TV or do some crafts that I enjoy. Basically, I try to utilize whatever spare time is given to me.


ANGIE
My idea is to truly get childcare for an evening or two a month from a church member or family member. It is hard to give up your children sometimes, but keeping your relationship going with your spouse and giving the children a "fun time" away from mom and dad are worth it.


ERIKA
I am a mother of four. When my youngest was born, my other children were ages 2 ½, 5 and 6. I have really made an effort to keep my marriage a priority and here are a few of the things that I do.

First thing is to read Intimate Issues, I believe Lori has recommended this recently. Some friends and I did this as a Bible study and prayer group. It changed my marriage and that of some of my friends as well. Next, God has wired my husband with a high sex drive and he needs frequent activity so; I have talked to him and told him how important it is to me that I meet his needs, but that I am frequently exhausted by the end of the day. I told him that I would always be available to him, but it would really help me if he did not pressure me for an earth shattering experience every night or expect me to experience orgasm as well. I also told him that some nights I'm just beat and he would need to do most of the work if anything was going to happen. Also, if you ever get an opportunity for a day time rendezvous, take it. You will be more awake and you may get to go to sleep that night undisturbed by your man's advances. Meeting this basic need of his made my whole life better because he is such a happier man when provided for and it really takes so little time.

The other thing we do is a regular date night. With four children, babysitting fees can really add up, so we trade with another family. One Friday I will watch their kids while they go out and the next Friday, they watch our kids while we go out. Since we are trading, there is not the expense of a sitter. We do this every week, so not only are we getting about 2 dates a month with each other, we are helping another tired mom and her man spend some time alone too.

Please don't think it is impossible to get through this stage, by the grace of God, I have been practicing these thing myself for about 5 years. When my husband's friends complain about their wives or their sex life it is so great to hear my husband say, "have her talk to my wife". It lets me know that by following God's plan for marriage, I'm getting it right and my husband is pleased.


ANNETTE
I have three children and the two youngest are a year apart. Time away from the kids can be helpful to rejuvinate together as a couple. I am fortunate to have a mother-in-law that is willing to care for our kids at least twice a month for us to go out to dinner. If we don't have the convenience of a sitter, we have to improvise. Making sure the kids are in bed early and having a quiet dinner together at home.


MELODY
I have 3 kids (6, 3 and 9 months) and for several months after the first one I struggled with wanting sex at all - I was so tired and it hurt, etc. My husband said he would be happy for me to just pleasure him and I felt so relieved! It was enough for him for release but also helped him know that I cared about him and wasn't rejecting him when I didn't want sex.

I think putting notes - even a sticky on the mirror, etc- around for him to see that tell him how much I respect him for working so I can stay home, or how he's doing a great job as a father really go along way to loving him without a ton of effort. He knows how tired I am and how much work really goes into being a mom so I think even a little goes a long way.

This one I'll steal from a friend - they decided that Tuesday evening after the kids were in bed was their in home date night. So on Tuesday they always work extra hard at getting the kids to bed on time and don't watch TV or schedule anything else - they just spend time together.


DENISE
I had 3 daughters in just over 3 years. My husband at the time was not helpful to say the least. So I learned to take any help that was offered. I stopped thinking it was a burden and just accepted it. The seven-year-old is old enough to help with some little things. I always made my children clean up their own toys from the time they learned to walk. If you make it fun, then it's not so much a chore. You need to take care of yourself. It's easy enough to neglect yourself I know. If you have family or friends willing to take some or all of the children just for a short time even, so you and your spouse can have some time together. A date is always great!


JENNA
My husband and I work really hard to get the kids to bed consistently by 8 pm. Not only do we feel that it's good for them because they're getting enough sleep, but it also provides time for us to spend together. Mostly we take care of the stuff that needs our attention or veg in front of the TV, but on some nights one of us will plan something special. Usually its something as simple as movie night at home where we pop popcorn, buy movie type treats, and rent something we've both been waiting to see. Sometimes though I'll pick up a bottle of sparkling cider while I'm at the grocery store along with some seasonal fruit and while he's tucking in the girls I'll light the fire and pour the cider into very pretty wine glasses and prepare the fruit, maybe some cheese and crackers, and we'll just relax by the fire and talk. It can be very romantic!

I also think it's very important for moms to take care of themselves. At our house Sunday night is my night off. After dinner I get to do what I want and my husband takes over. I usually will take a nice long bath and do all those beauty things that I don't have time for during the week. Before I had a bath tub I would close the bedroom door, put on a face mask, and catch up on some reading. Not only do I feel refreshed after my weekly break, but it also reminds me every week how blessed I am to have an understanding husband. It makes me want to live generously!


KELLY
We have 8 children, 2 married, 6 at home, ages 17-3. Over the years we've had many different seasons. Right now we're in a tough one, as we've changed our family business some, and our finances are reflecting that change. Oh fun ... not! some of the things we've done, especially when we have babies, my dh makes sure he gets up and changes the baby, and brings him/her to bed so I can nurse. My dh realizes that this makes all the difference in the amount of sleep I can get. He knows since I'm going full speed all day, he puts in more at night so I'm not burned out. He also has made allowence to make sure he's here early morning so I can walk, and shower before he goes to the ranch. Some seasons we change this to us walking at night, with or without children. Because we live in the country, sometimes a nice evening walk is what "blows the stink off" as grandma said. Tempers and attitudes change dramatically just by changing the view. I allow him the chance to play golf, etc. what he needs every couple weeks, and I get together with the girls, as needed. He knows sometimes that means a really really long phone call without disruptions to a girlfriend that lives far away, or my mom, or sisters that also live in other states. Sometimes we'll go to McDonald's and let the kids play on the toys for a long time while we talk, and get the hamburgers to go, kids eat on the way home. This allows the kids to run and burn energy so they are really tired and go straight to bed. DH and I used to make sure we had date nights, but at this season we're both going to school, and life is overly busy so we grab a moment here and there, i.e. go to town to make bank deposit, go to ranch to check things, whatever we can. We live close to a lake so sometimes we go there and watch the sunset. This is reminding me of alot we haven't done in awhile because life is way too busy! Well, dh just came in and needs me to pay bills! lol! Another date time oh boy! lol! hugs


ANGELA
This is really a suggestion for the husbands with wives and kids. I'm still trying to figure out myself how to balance kids, husband, home and me (I have 2 kids, but want 4). One thing my husband did that really help was that he took my firstborn out of town over night when I had our second child. It was about a week after she was born and we were all exhausted. He had to go out of town and volunteered to take our son. It was so incredible to be able to sleep and take naps with the baby and bond with her without our 2 year old demanding my attention all day and being jealous. It revived me and I was glad to see them back and had so much more love to give after my little reprieve. I told him that that would be his gift for me with each new child that he had to take all the other kids away for a 24 hour period so that I could just be with the newborn, rest and not have to make meals, do house or other child issues.


KATY
Take a NAP!

Institute a regular quiet time rule/schedule for 60-90 minutes a day. Kids nap, older kids can quietly read a book. Mom MUST rest too...have a cup of tea, do something relaxing, read a book or magazine but do NOT over exert yourself or try to get chores done in this time. This will refresh mom & reserve energy for DH later.

ALSO: my favorite thing: is my CROCKPOT! Find some good recipes (you can make more than soup) & you can start everything in the morning & forget about it till dinner time. It's warm & ready to serve. No more dinner time rush & frazzle.


LOUANN
I hid post-it notes in obvious places with messages related to where they were placed. For example he waters "my" dog everyday, so in the water pitcher the note said "my heart thirsts for" on his pillow it said "I'll be dreaming of you." You can be very creative with this.


AMANDA
I have 3 kids under 6. One thing that works well for my husband and I is to make Friday night our date night. Occasionally we'll get a sitter, but usually we date at home. I stay at home with the kids, so on Fridays I try to keep them really active so they'll go to bed a little early. We'll feed them dinner early and one of us puts them to bed while the other makes dinner - take out or something I've either prepped ahead or is a quick fix.

Once the kids are down, we have a nice adult dinner - candles, adult beverages, nice dishes etc. After dinner we might watch a movie, play a game or go through the book of questions. We take turns planning date night.

Other simple things I do are to send notes in his briefcase or quick one line emails. When he travels for work, I try to have a note or card or picture from the kids for each night he's away. I've been known to tuck a piece of lingerie in his suitcase (in a padded envelope) too. Little things to remind him that I'm thinking of him, love him and miss him.


LOREI
My husband and I alway traded babysitting with another couple that we really trust. They would keep our kids once a month and then we would switch. It worked out great. We had 4 children and they had 4 children.


KELLI
I have two young children 5 and almost 2 and one on the way. Some of the things I do are feeding the kids early and then putting them in the tub together while we have dinner. Obviously won't work with infants but then a little while afterwards the girls go to bed together and we get some more time to ourselves.


AMY
When my girls were very young, I would fall asleep on the couch early and my poor husband got no time from me. I learned to take naps with my toddlers so that I could be more receptive to him later in the day. I didn't always get everything done, but my husband was so thrilled that I wasn't asleep that he didn't mind a messy house. I also noticed that I could wake up after 30 minutes or so, slide out of bed without waking my girls and get some chores done while they slept on. A 30 minute nap worked wonders on my attitude and gave me more patience with everyone.

Now that they are older, I still take a nap now and then. I enjoy them. Plus, once in a while, my husband comes home in the afternoon and he "naps" with me!!


LINDA
I am now a grandma, but when my children were little, one thing that helped everyone tremendously was to have a regular bed time for the children...the same time every night and early enough so you and hubby can have a little quiet time after the kids go to bed. My suggestion is to always read them a few stories before bed and spend quality time with them for about 1/2 to 1 hour before their bedtime. Then hopefully when they go to bed they stay there. I realize this is an ideal and of course it doesn't always work, but with planning it can do wonders.


MARY
A mom's job is to take care of herself first so she can take care of the others as well as her husband. If he is needing to be "loved" on then use some massage cream and love on him. If he doesn't like that thought then he can think of something else she CAN do. But she needs to take care of herself or she won't be able to take care of the others. Two, take a nap when the others nap. Three, you have to let some things go (for instance, the house isn't as clean as normal or have the two older kids help with the folding of their laundry and have them put it up. They can also help put the clean dishes away - my kids like to do that). Four, he can sit behind her on the bed while she nurses or feeds the baby. That way he gets snuggle time and is part of the process. Fifth, he can take over the bedtime routine and when he is done reading books, brushing teeth, changing diapers, getting pj's on, getting the kids to pick up their rooms/toys. Also remember he isn't going to do anything like she does and it is ok. Tell him thanks, give him a big hug and relax. Do a little something special for him, make his favorite dessert, meal, put folded socks in the drawer, something so that he knows you are thinking of him and love him. Write a little note and leave it in a place he will find.

My kids are 2, 4, 6 1/2 and 8 1/2. I had to do it. There wasn't any choice for me. In some ways there still isn't. Pregnancy and nursing the last two took sooo much from me energy wise as well as health. Migraines started up more frequent during the last pregnancy as well as during the nursing time (he nursed 17 months). Communication with your mate and letting go of the things you can't control as well as praying for the strength to do what you need to do that day. There were some days I told my husband that I was sorry for not doing much of anything. The kids were fed, clothed and taken care of, he didn't care about the rest. My husband is and was very understanding and supportive during the few months after having a baby as well as now.


SW
We are fortunate to have family nearby and they are able to baby sit from time to time. I've also noticed that the times that I've worked hard to show my husband love and serve him, he responds by serving me. Win-win.


SUSIE
When my boys were little, I often had a sitter come in to help me on Friday afternoons so I could make date night for Friday night. The sitter would play with the boys while I fixed my husband a favorite meal. Usually this was one of his mom's recipes. The sitter would bathe the boys slightly early and we would feed them a wholesome snack. When my husband came home, the boys would spend some time with Dad, he would tuck them in a little early while I put his dinner on the table, previously set. Then I had a date with my husband as I served him his favorite beer, meal, and candlelight. The boys looked forward to time playing with the sitter and would often ask, "is Friday night date night with Daddy?" I hope they will carry on the same tradition. My boys are grown and gone. One is newly married, the other single but Friday night is still date night with my husband.


HELGA
Togetherness:
Make time for short dates and ask someone to watch the babies for a few hours every two weeks. Take the time to nap together, go out for a simple dinner and a nice evening walk or take in a movie. Find other couples with young children and take turns giving each other a break. Ask friends and family to come help take care of kids at home or ask them to take the kids out so couple can rest, relax or work on projects at home they need to finish together.

Alone time:
If Dad is willing and able, ask him to take the kids for ½ or overnight so mom can rest at girlfriend's for one night or afternoon of napping at home while dad takes kids out.


STACY
I have 4 children ages 11 months to 4 years (and another one on the way). There are a couple of things that we have done. First off, Dad is always top priority and the children are told this. Now I know if you have a hungry baby you need to feed them so there are times when Dad has to wait, but whenever possible he is first and the children know it. It's important for children to realize that mom is a wife first, mom second. That also makes it so the dh doesn't feel like he's lost his wife to his children. A set bedtime is important and it needs to be made early enough that mom and dad can spend some time together before it gets too late. I train our children right from a couple of months old that bedtime is at 8:00. They all go down at the same time and that gives us an hour or two before we go to bed to do whatever we want ... whether it's watching a movie together, talking, reading together, etc. A date now and then is a good idea too. Get a babysitter and go out for a couple of hours. It's refreshing and builds up your relationship in a valuable way.


MELISSA
My husband and I have found several ways to connect with our now 21 month old bundle of love:

1. Living Room of Love: tea lights all around, all our comforters and pillows on the floor, sweet music, a small plate of chocolates. Even if I am exhausted, I can still light candles, slip into a lacy nightie, and my husband takes it from there!

2. Mornings for myself: I stay at home with our babe, and each morning work in my art studio from 6-9am (ideally). My husband enjoys breakfast with our daughter before work. Having my mind to myself, and my needs considered gives me energy to give back!

3. Dates: we order pizza for our daughter and her (single) uncle, and get dressed up to go see a movie or an exhibition before bed. A quick adult break means so much.


KATRINA
A couple things I have done and still do occassionally to help my husband feel special when life is horrendous...

- I'll pack his lunch and stick in a love note every once in awhile.
- If I was out running errands or on my way home from the sitter's I'd run by his work and put a love note on his seat in the car.
- On bedrest I'd have the laptop on my lap all day I'd send him emails reminding him how much I loved him and appreciated his patience with my immobileness.
- When he'd be leaving or coming home without me there I'd write a note with dry erase markers on the mirror in our bathroom.
- Make his favorite dish for suppe.r
- Arrange for a night out or a night in with no kids and allow extra time to pamper yourself with a bath or nail painting to feel pretty.


TANYA
I have only one daughter right now and there are still many days when I feel overwhelmed. This tip is one I got from someone else. One mom who has several kids checks them into the child care at the YMCA and instead of exercising, finds a quiet place to read and relax. This way, she gets some time to recharge herself while knowing her kids are safe. Of course, exercising is also a great way to recharge and can give us the extra energy we need for our husbands at the end of the day (as well as for our many household tasks).


BRIE
One thing we do with another family from our church is swap sitting and overnights with our kids, we only have one 15 mo old and one soon to be here, but our friends have 4 under 7, but we keep an extra change of clothes for both our kids at each other's house, and toothbrushes, and it works great, cause then we don't have to spend the money that neither of us has for babysitting, and we can just at a moments notice, swap kids for an afternoon, evening, or overnight! We have an extra bed set up at our house, and a few extra crib mattesses in my son's closet, so they are out of the way, but super easy to pull out, and then a trunk of blankets and extra pillows for the kids. It has been a life saver for both of our marriages, to give us that time. Also, this same girlfriend and I will take 1-2 weeks every other month or so, and spend 1-3 days at one house, then the next 1-3 days at the others house, and get our deep cleaning done that way, so the kids can play, we get our female chat time in, and both of our houses get clean and stay somewhat organized! Also, for another break to reguvenate, we will watch each other's kids for the other to go grocery shopping, which is the most exillerating thing to do alone and kidless! I always do my makeup in the car before I enter the store, and wear something I feel cute in, then enjoy my hour of peaceful grocery shopping, and pick out something special to make to bless my husband - ribs, steak, or even a treat like his own ice cream or a package of cookies. I feel so refreshed after my hour, that I'm good to go for my hubby when he gets home, and I can't wait to share my little gift with him!


CHARALET
I remind my husband that in this season of life, the best "foreplay" is when he takes the kids out, or wrestles with the kids while I rest or shower or whatever.


JENNI
Babysitting co-ops are good. If you have a couple close neighbors or friends who also have small children, you can make a schedule for the 2 or 3 families. One Friday, you get all the children, while the other 2 couples go out (or do whatever). And the next 2 Fridays, you will have to yourselves. No out of pocket expense, but some quality time alone.


CAROLINE
What my husband and I did and still do is to get each of our son's God parents or someone we truly trust to come in to our home and watch our 4 year old once a month and use that time to get away even if it's just for water ice (depending on the budget). When we schedule it correctly between the God parents and my sister in law, we can get up to 3 to 4 date nights a month. Not to sound too cheap, but when we get invited to a wedding or birthday or something, we use that as a date night as well. I mean, dinner is not on us and neither is the entertainment and it will only cost us a gift. The idea is to be creative and enjoy a night out without worrying about the kids (if you get the right baby sitter) and the budget.


REINNIE
We have young children (3yr old and 10month old). We started putting aside 30 minutes one day a week to spend alone time together. It's hard since he works 2 jobs and these kids just don't know when to go to sleep and all the usual drama. During our alone time we may just sit and watch a movie (which is a feat since our tv is usually on Discovery Kids), go to the movies, read, have a romantic dinner at home (trying to save money), or sex (if we both have the energy). It's hard, but thank God the kids won't be small forever!


LISA
As a mom of 4 young children (ages 1 ½ - 7 ½), my husband and I have had to be creative and adaptive to find ways to spend romantic time together. Since we can't always afford a babysitter, we often take advantage of our time after the kids go to bed. We have also adjusted their bedtime to be earlier because our time together is a priority. Then we will take this time to prepare a special meal together for just the two of us so we can talk, relax and be adults!


BETHANY
I have three boys, ages 4, 2 and 3 months; we live in a small house and all share one bedroom. I have had to get very creative to find time alone for my husband. I finally realized that sometimes by allowing the children to be entertained by a movie for an hour or so first thing in the morning, I can spend that time with my husband. I've had to overcome my hang ups about children being babysit by movies, and use it sometimes so that I can make my husband number one priority. I think sometimes us moms with young kids have to get over our hangups about what will damage our children, and remember that our marriage and husband MUST be number one priority. It is also very important to find the time and money to get a babysitter and get some time alone together.


LYNNE
My husband and I are relief Missionaries cleaning up after Katrina on the Gulf Coast. We coordinate teams of volunteers to repair homes, work with local churches in the community, etc. I also homeschool our two treasures, who are 7 and 5. My husband is gone from home 16 hours a day, and for any of us to see him, we have to go either to the team housing site or the job sites. You see where I'm going with this... One thing we USED to do faithfully (IE: before God sent us here,) and still try to do occasionally is have our Saturday nights designated as date nights. Because church starts early on Sunday, we send our girls to bed early, make popcorn and smoothies, and watch the "Brit-coms" on public broadcasting. It doesn't sound like much, but it's OURS, we love it, and we've seen them over so many times that we wind up talking through half of it anyway. It's cheap, too, but priceless. We also ride 1 1/2 hours to the airport in New Orleans on a weekly basis, and while the kids drowse away in the back seats of the 16 passenger van, we have some really great conversations. I'm not saying this is anything like enough, but we take what we can get, and recognize that this is only a season of our lives. In short, so long as your geographically together, there is always time if you're willing to make it.

More "tired wife" tips ...




back to article page