I shared this tip from a generous wife (thanks, Rebecca!).
A while back I realized that I didn't know my husband as well as I wanted to. I didn't know what my most important jobs were to him, what really made him feel special, what made him feel uncomfortable, etc. So I decided to pick his brain. I typed up on separate lines things that I thought were important that I do on a range of topics. Here are some examples:
Keeping clutter down
Speaking well of you in front of others
Being on time
Greeting you when you come home
Asking for advice
Discussing spiritual things
Having breakfast with you before you go to work
Scheduling time out of the house so you can have some solitude
[and] some intimate topics [as well]
On and on, I think I had between 50-75 things. I printed the papers and cut them into strips.
Last night we went through them all. Categorized them into similar topics, and then it started. He explained his feelings on each item, and to my amazement I saw how little I knew my husband. He put things in categories like "important, please continue - or please improve", "makes me uncomfortable", "really nice, but not necessary", "non-issues, it doesn't make a difference" etc. Now I know where to put my energy and effort.
Things that I thought he would enjoy - like public verbal praise, really made him feel uncomfortable. Me greeting him at the door made him feel attacked sometimes, and guilty that I was dropping everything for him. Me spending time with him at breakfast was difficult because he's in "get ready for work" mode and not "lets sit and talk at breakfast" mode. It was eye opening and I feel so much closer to him.
It gave him the opportunity to express frustrations he had because certain needs weren't being met, and also allowed me to do the same. Now I understand more than ever my husband and see how incorrect I was in so many areas, and it only took about 2 hours. I can be a better wife, now - and he wants to be a better husband. Areas that I was afraid to ask about are now open topics.
I think it was the best thing I've ever done in my marriage.
*****
There was quite a bit of interest in ideas that could be used, so I opened it up to the overall list asking for ideas. Here are the responses.
REBECCA
Available to do things with you
Believe in you
Trust your judgment
Verbalizing believe and trust in your leadership and capabilities
Flexibility in rough times - staying positive
Greet you at the door when you come home
Look nice - especially in public
Keep the house straight
Keep the house clean
Be available for love making
Instigate love making
Being quiet when you're talking to other people (not talking over you)
Public affection - rubbing back, hand on side, . . etc.
Speaking well of you in front of others
Speaking well of you in front of others in your presence
Asking your opinion on things
Encouraging you to do things with the teens (he's a youth pastor)
Being flexible with scheduling - company, teen visits. . .etc.
Offering to have people over
Cooking special - well rounded meals
Dinner thought through and ready
Giving you time to yourself to wind down when you get home from work
Being available to spend time with you before dinner (should I get dinner stuff prepared
before you come home?)
Telling you "I love you"
Words of affirmation in regard to your character
Words of affirmation in regard to things you do (speaking in youth group, work, husbandly things)
Words of affirmation in front of other people
Planning small surprises for you when you come home
Hiding love notes
Trying to be good with our money
Reminding you to do things (annoying or helpful?)
Making your lunch for you
Getting up early enough to have breakfast with you and spend time with your before you leave for work
Being on time
"Just because" emails while you're at work
Touching you just for your pleasure - not necessarily to instigate love making
Trying new positions
Asking how you feel about things
Talking - sharing
Cooking together
Reading through a book or a study together
Discussing spiritual things or questions with you
Sharing what God is doing in our lives individually
Sharing a difficulty I have and asking for your advice
Planning a special evening for us
Keeping up on the laundry
Planning an evening out for myself so you can enjoy an evening to yourself
Keeping bedroom straightened
Keeping kitchen straightened and clean
Keeping desk clutter down
Massages
Complimenting you
Expressing my appreciation for things you do for me
Ironing your shirts
Fixing your buttons and other things without you having to ask me
Asking you what I can do for you
Praying for you
Making the bed
Words of affirmation regarding intimacy - how you look and how you are with me
Letting you be in control of things - you making the decisions
Wearing pretty things to bed
Getting back to my pre-wedding weight
Making the house a home - décor, keeping it interesting
Being available to help you
FATIMA
1. Tell each other one thing you love about the other.
2. Tell each other one thing the other can do as a suprise for the other.
3. Tell each other another thing you love about the other.
CHARMAINE
- keeping my husband's home office organized
- sharing his accomplishments in the presence of others
- working together in volunteer work
- solving problems that he has
- being supportive and encourging him that he will be able to solve the problems on his own
- requesting his input on house decorating
- cleaning his car
- bringing him coffee during his work day (he works from home)
JAMIE
Asking YOU what YOU want for dinner.
Encouraging your weight loss and/or encouraging you to stick to a healthy workout routine.
Being on good terms (not upset with each other) before we fall asleep at night.
Taking showers with you.
Watching sports with you.
Fixing myself up every day so that I look beautiful for you (even though you think I am anyway).
Complimenting you.
Date night with me.
Constantly showing love and respect to each other in front of our children.
JOYCE
* Frequency of love making
* How to help him achieve his next goal - perhaps to get a job he really wants or a qualification
* How often to have time for just the 2 of you as opposed to being with kids.
* Whether its important for him to ask your opinion on everything?
KAT
Mowing the yard when there isn't time for him
Giving space when he's upset
Making sure that the laundry is done
Doing activities together (hunting, riding dirt bikes, etc.)
Organizing activities for us to do
Taking care of myself
Getting up early to make him lunch
Keeping the kids clean and well kept
Helping in the garage
Making decisions for myself and not asking for his opinion on every little detail... just do it
Really talking and listening to him when we both get home from work and there's things to be done like the laundry, dinner, kids to tend to, animals to feed
Expressing words of encouragement when its hard
Talking more and letting him know how I feel
Let him be right, and not having the need to be right about every little thing
LAUREN
I am a SAHM (stay at home mom) and my husband works from home. We have 2 kids and it gets really noisy sometimes. I know he really appreciates it when we leave the house for a while, that way he can have quiet time and can concentrate on his work.
When we are home I try to keep the kids busy so the noise is minimal.
ANNETTE
Here are some things that are important to him that I can do:
I obey God and also obey him.
Trust his abilities to handle being the head of the house and handle finances, etc.
Accept my looks and who God has created me to be.
Trust his opinion of me and receive his compliments and encouragement.
It's important to My dh Mark that I learn how to rest and take opportunities to do so.
He wants more encouragement. He told me that my encouragement means more to him than anyone else on earth.
JACKIE
praying with you daily
attending sporting events with you
following up on family medical issues - appointments and such
serving with you by helping you with a bible study
attending a bible study with you
serving your favorite foods
making the bed every day
doing the laundry
playing with you by going out on a date once a week
paying the bills
then I think rating different sexual touches and so on
NICCI
getting him ready for work by untying his shoes and packing a lunch
listening to a song he likes even if I don't like it
making sure I close the bedroom door if he's still sleeping
letting him watch a show when one I like is on
charging his phone when it's dying
grabbing him a drink when we're making supper together
washing off his plate and silverwear FOR him
compromising in the bedroom
HEATHER
Watching sports with you
Exercising
Helping you with your diet
Keeping up with the laundry
Initiating sex
Coming up with creative romantic ideas
Genealogy of your family
Cooking dinner for you
Grocery shopping
Asking you to drive when we're together
CHRIS
Giving you hugs
Doing things such as touching you in a sexual way thru out the day
Praising you at home
Making coffee in the morning
Bringing you your meds in the morning
Don't talk to you first thing in the morning
Get up with kids so you don't have to
Clean the car and van
Send you ecards
Send you real cards
Tell you I love you
SARAH
keeping the checkbook and budget current so that we know what money is available
keeping the laundry caught up so his drawers are not empty.
choosing his outfit- he is color-blind. He knows he will look "good" if I pick his clothes
having a menu planned and posted
having his lunch ready and easy to take to work
keeping the receipts filed so when he needs a receipt to return something or a lifetime muffler receipt, etc-- he can find it
not planned too much in a week.
limiting the nights out of the house
making a menu and having all the food shopping done for his camping trips with our boys
decluttering the refrigerator freezer periodically so that nothing falls out.:)
making sure there is coffee in the house, ice cubes made.
DIANN
Helping out with projects around the house
Couple devotions
Back rubs
Keeping a schedule of things going on
Planning a fun date for him
Doing laundry
Being understanding when he has had a bad day
Letting him have a man's night out
APRIL
Dressing feminine
Listening without offering my opinions
Offering my advice to your problems
Appreciating your hard work
Admiring you
Accepting you in all things
Not complaining
Taking care of the children
Being patient with the children
Disciplining the children
Giving you free time to relax
Having dinner ready when you get home
Decorating the house for each season
Making an effort to save more money
Having date night planned
K
Clean windows
Clean mirrors
Ironed shirts and pants
Weeds in yard
School work done by time he comes home
Dinner planned out a week ahead
Baby sleeping with mom & dad
TV programs
Van clean and picked up inside
Lightbulbs burned out
Unfolded laundry
Talking about the children while out together
Sweatpants & sweatshirts
Wife driving instead of husband
Wife telling husband where to sit in church
Wife telling husband where to park
Store bought baked goods
Cluttered desk
Too many beauty products on bathroom counter
Perfume choice
Perfume too strong
Shaved legs
Neckline depth
Skirt length
Time dinner served
Frozen veggies or canned
JENNIFER
Calling you throughout the day
Making the bed every morning
ELAINE
Laying out your clothes (My husband is color blind)
Stocking your favorite foods like......
Helping you with yard work
Having the kids make you homemade gifts for special days
NO NAME GIVEN
have a home cooked meal ready every evening
help with &/or show interest in hobbies
kissing more often
SHAMMA
Ending all phone conversations before he gets in the door
Surprising me by picking up the baby so I do not have to rush home or make other arrangements so I can get my eyebrows done and a pedicure
Doing the groceries
Calling during the day to say you are thinking of me, or thanks for being a good mother
Being supportive in speech and action towards me
Doing the things that needs to be done w/o being asked i.e. giving the baby a bath, dropping a load of laundry, washing the dishes and the baby's bottles, bagging out pumped breast milk
Making it a priority to spend quality alone time with me,
Do not work such long hours then come home and get on the pc and ignore us
pray together
eat a meal together
MELANIE
Telling you I love you before hanging up the phone
Cooking healthy foods
Letting you know I want sex
Asking your opinion before making plans or decisions
SHANNON
Looking my best
Cleaning house (floors, bathrooms, dusting, clean clothes)
Organized meals at home
Personal down time
Family time
Time for a hobby
Time with friends
Time with other families
Interruptions at work
Help with the yard
Taking care of our finances & budget
Including you in planning our activities
URETTA
- where the holidays are spent
- giving space if the other is working
- knowing each others limit when getting angry
KRISTINA
Crawling back into bed with you in the morning after I wake you
Keeping the house clean
Bringing you coffee in bed when I wake you
Ironing your clothes
Making sure there's iced tea for you in the fridge
TANYA
I think that asking about bills and disciplining the children when he is tired are good questions to ask.
VANNA
* ask his advice on which meals he would like while I am writing the grocery list
* have his favorite dinner ready when he gets home from work
* if he has some chores that he does, thank him for doing them
LYNN
planning family outtings
take family pics
take kid pics
keep laundry area clean
making sure he's awake in the morning
making lunch M-F
make daily coffee
writing love notes/letters
make costumes for kids
let sleep in on weekends
support decisions without arguement
not complain about going to church
buying and writing cards
making sure 1/2&1/2 and coffee flavoring available
checking out audio books
getting kids to you for goodnight hugs & kisses
keeping kids out of our bed
vacuuming dingingroom & livingroom daily
keep porch presentable
water front lawn
texting ILY
inquiring about work each day
sitting in studio (hobby) with you
keeping car clean
sitting & watching tv shows together
cuddling on couch
holding hands
kissing (I'm not a very affectionate person)
having family sit together for dinner
keeping fridge and cupboards stocked
making sure work clothes clean
taking mutual shower
saying I love you often (daily, hourly)
scrub back
massage feet
cut toenails
keeping candles stocked
keeping candles lit
making treats for work
having dinner ready when come home
way I wear my hair - styled, length
clothes I wear
seduction
communication of sexual need
words of affirmation
discuss issues in low voice volume
allow you to finish sentence/thought
teach our kids - school
keep kids active - physical
keep soda stocked
wearing perfumes, which ones you like
DENA
- Keeping house clean & decluttered
- Preparing family dinners
- Praying together, daily
- Reducing time on the computer
- Spending time with the kids
- Making it a point to come see him, throughout the day (husband works from home)
- Working with him on projects around the house
- Not nagging him about projects around the house
- Keeping track of birthday cards and gifts to our family and others
- Informing him when I make bank transfers/withdrawals
- Calling him when I'm arriving home late
- Communicate more about what I want, sexually (what I like/what I don't like)
- Back him up on his decisions
- Agree publicly, discuss privately
- Appreciate more, and not take for granted, that he's always done all the laundry
- Be more interested in what he does at work, so he can talk to me in acronyms without my eyes crossing
- Work on improving my (seemingly inbred) procrastination problem
- Make it a point to greet him when he arrives home
- Take more initiative in dealing with our dog (brushing, training, etc.)
DALYNN
Here is a list from me. Keep in mind upon reading a few of them, that my husband works nights and so we are all in bed asleep when he arrives home.
+make sure there are no dishes in the sink when he arrives home from work
+make sure the path from the door, to the bathroom, to the bed is clear of clutter
+create a specific place for him to drop his keys, his hat, and his phone... including the charger so he can remember to plug it in
+make certain to pull his work uniforms out of the dryer immediately so they don't wrinkle
+if the kids are being loud during dad's sleeping time, take them to the park or elsewhere outside the house. (even the backyard is right next to the bedroom and disturbs him)
+make certain that if he has inclination to play with or spend time with the kids, that there are things to do in case he can't think of something off the top of his head (these usually involve cub scout requirements, games, yardwork, or things I think of that he may enjoy teaching his boys, or sometimes it's questions about his own childhood and deceased father that he tells the kids stories about)
+turn the ringer off on the phone during his sleep time
+keep clutter out of his chair
+occasionally, turn off the tv in favor of his favorite station or CDs for background noise
+wipe out his chair before dinner
+always offer him a drink when I get myself or the kids one
+always ask if he'd like dessert. if he doesn't answer, i list a few things that we have to fix for dessert. (we dont often eat dessert, but sometimes he likes something sweet)
+have a ready supply of sugar-free treats he enjoys (he's a diabetic and doesn't like many of the sugar-free treats, so I'm sure to keep the ones he DOES like around in continuous supply)
+call him at work before I go to bed to say goodnight, and try to remember to keep the chattiness down or ask him if he can/wants to chat or is busy
+DONT call him at work when the corporate guys are in town
+about weekly, let him know what we're working on in our homeschool studies. Occasionally when I do this, he offers to do something with the kids that is related to our studies. I *THINK* that he likes to be aware of what they're doing, in case he's interested in it and can show them something, but I never push for him to be involved with the schooling unless he just wants to do so.
+I'm trying to discipline myself to always check with him before agreeing to any out-of-the-home commitments. He's always been very gracious in giving me "me-time" breaks when I need them, to the point that I think I've come to assume that I can just leave the kids with him any time I want to do so. I'm trying to remember to always clear possible commitments (such as homeschooling activities, social activities, bible studies groups, etc) with him before agreeing to go or be anywhere specific.
+I've come to ask "Do you want me?" instead of just trying to start intimate activities, or playing the shy girlie girl and asking "On a scale of 1 to 10...". He's recently thanked me for simplifying this process.
+He enjoys having the lights on while we play. Often, I am the last out of the bathroom before we go to bed, and occasionally I'll leave the light on in our bathroom and the door open.
+Flash him. (And sometimes the flash is more intimate than my chest....)
+Initiate positions that he enjoys most, even if they aren't my favorites.
+Ask specifically, with a "please" usually, if I want or need a specific act or touch while being intimate. (My usual personality is to demand it, which is alright most of the time he says, but I can see a definate difference in his reactions if I ASK instead of TELL - maybe just because it's opposite of ordinary, and I wonder if it shows respect as well. Sometimes, when I ask, he'll tease me like he's not going to do it... which makes it all the more fun!)
PS - My mission now and for a while now, has been to discover the secret desires of my husband's intimate places. I'm not sure if he doesn't know what is most pleasing, or if he is afraid to tell me, but it has been an adventure... and a little at a time, he is opening up and telling me, or admitting to me, little things here and there. I'm really not sure how to word this in the way of a listed thing. I often ask if he likes certain things, if he'd like me to change the way I do any specific things, or if I'm leaving anything out. Words are not his strong point (yes, I'm in the process of reading the 5 love languages, and have asked him to read it with me.... he's agreed to, but hasn't yet started the book); I struggle with the best way to help him open up his inner chambers for me and allow me - his wife - to know the most intimate and personal details of his sensuality. Anyway, am looking forward to seeing how other strongly-driven women are maybe getting their own dh's to open up to them.
ERAN
Planned weekend activities or more "free time" for spontaneous things.
What activities would he like to have the kids involved in?
Does he feel that I am too busy with outside things, (i.e. volunteering, clubs, etc.)
When we have a disagreement, is it best for him if we hash it out right away, or does he need time to think and then come back together?
In the bedroom, does he like to initiate, or would he like me to initiate?
Does it bother him if I am on the phone in front of him? If it does, I will keep my conversations short when he's home, and call back when he's at work.
How often does he like to have company over? Would he like friends/family over more or less often?
When making plans, would he like to be consulted before I accept or decline?
What is the best method for me to communicate non-urgent information, (kids schedules, upcoming events, etc.) would he prefer a note, an e-mail or a verbal conversation?
Are there specific things around the house that bother him that I could pay more attention to?
Are there meals that I prepare that he would like to have more or less often?
How does he feel about me eating out for lunch when he's not with me, with friends?
ERIN
The first thing that came to mind for my husband was sharing something with him that he really enjoys. He loves a sci fi show called Dr. Who. I have never enjoyed science fiction anything, but I started watching with him just to do something with him. I haven't asked him directly, but I sense that he enjoys my getting involved with something he enjoys. This of course could apply to many things such as a 'cause', sport activity (go with him if he would like once in a while)..... I'm sure the list goes on.
PS I actually kinda like the TV show now.
NIKKI
Mealtime together
Disciplining kids
Scrapbooking
Our Pets
Extracurricular activities for kids
Going to church together (my husband is a non-believer)
Frequency of intimate relations
Type of intimacy
Other together activities
Date nights
Getting laundry done
House cleaning
menu planning
Types of food
Trying new recipes
Personal time with kids (daddy dates)
Initiating intimacy
Things I do to make you feel special
Baking cookies/treats
Sending stuff to work/hiding stuff in luggage (my husband is a pilot, and we like to leave Him little notes or drawings from the kids')
Carpool
Husband in charge of bedtime routines
Kids' routines in general
Me volunteering
Your hobbies
Talking to each other
Time spent at the computer
Time spent watching t.v. together but silent
LAURIE
I am writing in response to your request of topics to discuss with husbands. In my marriage, we had some confusion of who was going to write checks for bills, balance the check book, etc. I assumed my husband would do this because he was head of the household. My husband had hoped I would do it. He felt that I would do a good job. He often works a lot of crazy hours, and me handling budgeting would free him up for other things. As you can see, we both did a lot of assuming about the other person's actions. Because we didn't cleary communicate this to one another, there was confusion. Resentment was soon to follow. Once we came up with a plan, responsibilities for financial concerns became less stressful.
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