(a shortened form of the original article) by Paul & Lori
We often get questions like "Is oral sex OK?" or "My husband wants to make a video of us in the bedroom. Is this a sin?" The reason that we get so many of these questions is probably because the Bible does not specifically speak to everything that a couple can do sexually. Where scripture is silent we must look at biblical principles to try to build outlines for what is and is not allowable in the marriage bed.
Let's start with what the Bible does say.
We are to abstain from immoral sex. The Bible indicates the following are sin:
fornication/unmarried sex (Ga 5:19, 1 Co 7:2 & 36)
adultery (Ex 20:14, Mt 5:27)
homosexuality (Le 18:22, Ro 1:26-27)
bestiality (Le 18:23 & 20 :15-16)
prostitution (Le 19:29, De 23:17, Pr 23:27, 1 Co 6:15-16)
incest ((le 18:6)
We are to have sex only in marriage; one man with one woman. (Mt 19:4-5, 1 Ti 3:2 & 12)
We are to lovingly meet the legitimate sexual needs and wants of our spouse. (1 Co 7:3-5)
The preceding are all direct Biblical commands. In addition there are requirements set out for us as believers, and as husbands and wives which add the following restrictions:
Love for our spouse, and respect for the bodies and minds God created, requires us to avoid anything which can cause serious problems: (Eph 5:29 & 33, 1 Cor 6:19)
physically
medically
emotionally
mentally
spiritually
relationally
We should never push our spouse to compromise their beliefs. (Ro 14:1, 14 & 23)
We are not to be controlled by anything. (1 Co 6:12 & 10:23
Anything that does not violate these principles should be okay within the marriage bed. That said, it's important that our sexual activities benefit our sense of intimacy and oneness as a couple.
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I have always had a problem with oral sex, but my sweetie very much enjoys it. I want to bring him pleasure but just can’t seem to make peace with the act. What do you suppose is my hang-up?
Comment by L — August 1, 2009 @ 7:57 pm
How do i get to read the full article (the original one)?
Comment by leslietorresp — August 3, 2009 @ 4:33 pm
For me, “tasting” my husband has been okay most of the time and wonderful if I let my imagination and desire to enjoy him and please him fill my mind. I had a harder time letting him “taste” me until I truly began to believe that he enjoyed that. I mean, know in my heart that it fulfilled a desire. He craved to “taste” me, and for me to enjoy it made it a heavenly experience. I had to believe that I was beautiful to him where I wasn’t beautiful to me. Being transformed by the renewing of my mind to agree with my bridegroom. Fear of rejection had to go and letting down and allowing myself to feel and like what I was feeling had to become a choice, a priority, for making intimacy really happen. I was so afraid it wasn’t Godly, that He wouldn’t be pleased with all that. Now I am sure that is one of the worst lies in the world. God made the husband and his wife’s union to be a picture of God and His people, Jesus and the church, according to Paul. He wants ALL of our being, and wants us to want all of Him. Live the picture as obedient worship! Oh! Taste and see that the Lord is good!
Comment by Butterflies10 — August 4, 2009 @ 5:40 am
The original article is here – http://www.themarriagebed.com/pages/bible/app/whatisokay.shtml
Comment by The Generous Wife — August 5, 2009 @ 10:17 am
I’m late, but L’s question above touched me. In some ways it’s not fair for me to comment because I’ve always had the ‘thirst’, so to speak, but I urge reading about it and then asking your husband to let you experiment. Once you realize your own pleasure can match his and especially if you achieve a state where you can ‘feel what he feels’ and vice versa, you take part in one of the great joys in life.
blessed be
Comment by Thalia Leigh — January 21, 2010 @ 8:04 am
First off I’d like to say I really respect you (Paul and Lori) and your ministry. You are really trying to reach out to the rest of the body and help people with a very terribly misunderstood but very important subject.
I’d like you to seriously think and pray on something though.
You say in the original article of do’s and don’ts that we either follow all of the law, or none of it. Then you cite an article by Brother Buddy Martin.
Please explain how exactly one separates the “Moral” law of Moses from the “eternal” law of God?
Isn’t an Abomination an abomination? Did God’s feelings change?
You say that Bestiality and incest are sins but they are never talked about by Jesus or anywhere in the New Testament.
I am an ardent follower of Yeshua (Jesus) the Messiah.
And I also love with a passion His eternal covenant.
I just believe it’s ALL of Scripture. Not just the last fourth of it.
Shalom, Please pray about this and try to find scripture instead of learned doctrines of men to support your answer.
Matthew 5:17-19
Did He mean what He said? Did He say what He meant?
Comment by sweetmomma3 — January 30, 2010 @ 9:28 pm
You’ve thrown a number of things out there and I’m just going to address a few of them.
1) Is the OT Law still in effect? My personal take is that the old covenant has been fulfilled and therefore is ended. Let me explain. When a couple gets married they are married until “death do you part.” The covenant is in effect until one of them dies. At that point the covenant has not been broken, it has been fulfilled. Adultery would have broken the covenant. Death ends/fulfills the covenant because those were the terms. In a very real sense when Jesus died He fulfilled the old covenant and His shed blood served to cut a new covenant with any who would believe.
2) Am I throwing out the value of the whole Bible when I say the old covenant is ended/fulfilled? I do not believe so. I value all that it teaches me about the God I serve. I am in covenant with that God. It is a new covenant, but I can still learn from how He dealt with people in the past. I learn about His faithfulness, power and goodness by reading about Abraham, Joseph, Abigail and more.
3) Menstruation and Sex: There are things in the old covenant that God deliberately changed in the new covenant. No more circumcision, you could eat whatever someone sets in front of you, etc. It seems that a lot of the old covenant was about outward rules to keep the Israelites healthy and separate from their pagan neighbors. With the new covenant you have the Holy Spirit living within you and God’s laws written on your heart. We are less a people separated out in preparation for a promised Messiah and more about being His body, His hands and voice to the world around us. So when I look at menstruation, I’m of the opinion that it is a part of the old covenant only. Same with the semen and other bodily fluid stuff. If people are uncomfortable with sex and menstruation that’s a personal choice to be respected, but, IMO, it is not a rule that should be applied to all.
4) I guess that brings up the “does God change?” question. I don’t believe that God changes, but He does treat different people differently and by extension different groups of people differently. He’s even been known to change His mind a time or two because of the prayers of His kids. This does not change His nature or His set of values, it just means that He might do things differently depending on the person or situation He is dealing with. I have to think then, that some of the old covenant was not about His nature, but about what that group of people needed. When we have a new covenant and a new group of people He might do some things differently, but none of what He does would compromise Who He is. Telling one group not to eat something and another group to eat something does not change His nature. Telling one group how to deal with their body fluids and then ignoring the concept with another group does not change His nature either, IMO.
Comment by The Generous Wife — February 1, 2010 @ 7:49 pm
I won’t fight with you. All of this was meant in a good heart. I wish you could hear my tone and know that I am not attacking you or anybody at all. I just feel that we’re really missing out on a lot of the Beauty of God’s word by seperating the church and Israel. I believe we are one and the same. Us Gentiles have been “grafted into the commonwealth of Israel” Right?
Eph 2:11-14 Wherefore remember, that you were in time past Gentiles in the flesh, who are called Uncircumcision by that which is called the Circumcision in the flesh made by hands; That at that time you were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without God in the world: But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off are brought near by the blood of Christ. For He is our peace, who hath made BOTH ONE, and hath broken down the middle wall of partition between us;
Rom 11:1-2 I say then, HATH GOD CAST AWAY HIS PEOPLE? God forbid. For I also am an Israelite, of the seed of Abraham, of the tribe of Benjamin. God hath not cast away his people which he foreknew.
Romans 10:12 “For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him.”
Acts 10:34 “God is no respecter of persons”
(All caps mine.)
God gave the nation of Israel His “eternal covenant”
Deu 29:29 “The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our sons forever, that we may observe all the words of this law.
How long is forever?
This got a little longer then I meant for it to be. And I don’t mean to be disrespectful by saying all this openly on your site. I tried to do the email thing but my computer won’t support outlook express for some reason :p
Maybe we could move this to a forum or something? I know this is a hot topic in the body today and I feel that it is very important to our understanding of what is okay and not okay. My husband actually teaches on this at least once a week and we are seeing whole churches wake up and start taking hold of the promised blessings that have been ours from the very beginning. It’s so awesome! Those who have been wondering what’s missing in their lives are finally finding it!
I’m motormouthing again. Sorry… all this just gets me so excited!
Comment by sweetmomma3 — February 2, 2010 @ 11:54 am