Go Ahead, Initiate

March 29, 2014

in the generous life

One thing I commonly hear from guys is how absolutely blessed they are when their wives initiate lovemaking.

I try to remind wives to do that more often. I do understand it can be uncomfortable. It can feel awkward or scary and most of us don’t have a lot of practice doing it.

Bottom line ~ practice is the only way you get better at something and the better you get at it, the easier and more fun it gets.

If your husband routinely enjoys sex with you, asking him to have sex is going to be a delight for him. If your husband struggles with sex (for whatever reason), you may want to have a couple of conversations about it and discuss what are the best ways for you to ask for sex. Never be afraid to get professional help (have a doctor check out his health, talk to a counselor, etc.).

Be considerate about when you ask for sex. Is he extremely tired or hungry? Is he really short on time or inconvenienced by it in some way? (I know some men enjoy a quickie, just be sure he can get to work on time.)

Use simple words. Try, “Is this a good time for a little lovemaking?” Or you could leave a note in his lunchbag asking him to “meet you in the bedroom at 9pm for a little bedroom fun.” Hints or obscure ways of communicating are usually not a good choice.

You could also use an item or action as a signal that you are interested in sex. I’ve seen pillows with the word “Tonight!” on them. Everyday items work too, depending on where you put them (just make sure he understands the gesture, perhaps leave a note with it the first time or two).

Start simple and be very clear about what you want. Now go put a smile on your man’s face.

Love is the greatest gift when given. It is the highest honor when received. Fawn Weaver

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(in)courage: The Difference Your Words Make Look for opportunities to say kind words.

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The XY Code: Sacrifice in the Marriage Bed Invest now so your marriage is not sexually bankrupt when you are older.

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The Forgiven Wife: Crying Over Milk Toast Serve up deep comfort (love the last paragraph).

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Gaye @CalmHealthySexy March 29, 2014 at 7:36 am

Thanks for the reminder, Lori. I (and probably many women) need to be intentional about this. It’s not that I don’t want to do it, but rather that I need to remember to do it!

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Kathleen March 29, 2014 at 12:13 pm

For us, morning has always been the best time. I would say 95% of the time we make love in the morning.

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Lori - The Generous Wife March 31, 2014 at 7:49 pm

Morning and afternoon are great, especially if you know you will be tired by evening.

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Mel March 31, 2014 at 6:45 pm

As a cleanup we have a few handtowels in a drawer, when i am up for it. I put one on the bed head, he will know that i am fine and have no problems or issues that will prevent it. Just a hint for some

MEL

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Lori - The Generous Wife March 31, 2014 at 7:48 pm

That’s a sweet idea and also one that is not a problem if you have kids around the house.

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Kelly April 4, 2014 at 10:08 am

What if the wife is the one who does 95% of the initiating? I think sometimes if I didn’t initiate, we would never make love. It’s not a good thing for my self esteem and it’s one of my biggest problems/complaints about our marriage. To top it off, we have a long distance marriage and have only been married since October, so I feel like we are very much newlyweds and when we do travel to see each other, he should want to be with me more. I know it’s my issue that I take it personally and feel like he’s not attracted to me, but I don’t know how else to feel.

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Lori - The Generous Wife April 4, 2014 at 10:22 am

This is actually more common that you might think and is generally not a reflection of the wife’s sexiness or lack thereof. Guys have struggles too and sometimes it winds up effecting their sexuality. Just like with gals, it’s usually a combination of factors. Identifying the stresses and working on them can help guys (and gals) get in touch with their sex drive and desire for the love of their life.

http://www.the-generous-wife.com/lack-of-desire/

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Kelly April 4, 2014 at 10:36 am

I’ve had the sexual issues mentioned in that article – I was raped, which resulted in a pregnancy that I aborted. For many years, I’ve thought I was molested by my dentist when I was very young – back in those days, parents didn’t go back there with the kids and no hygienist was there. I can just remember him taking me back to this room, closing the door, putting me in the chair, and then something over my mouth and spent many years with severe dental phobias. He has said that he’s afraid to initiate anything because of how I might feel about it. But, I’ve been very open to anything and everything he’s wanted to do sexually. This is my 2nd marriage and in my 1st marriage, sex was not an issue. We just didn’t have much of it and when we did, it was quite boring and not loving at all. But, I was in an entirely different place in my life, and with knowing Christ. Now, I know what marriage really means and I really am trying to do what I can to be like the Proverbs 31 wife, try to be pleasing to him, try to honor and respect him, but, I’m human and I fall short.
I also have huge self-esteem issues because of my weight, which I am working on, but it’s nowhere near where I want to be. He spent many years struggling with porn, which honestly doesn’t bother me because I know he doesn’t do that now. He prayed for a long time for God to take that desire away from him and He did eventually do that. He’s really busy right now with work and trying to get his house on the market to sell so he can move here and we can be together, and I know all of those things just add to each other.
I also know that I in working so hard to try to make sure we have no problems, that I am creating problems. I want us to have a healthy happy marriage where we serve God first and then each other. But, in doing so, I’m afraid I will destroy our marriage because I just take too many things personally.
I don’t expect you to have an answer for all of that, just sort of putting all of it out there is therapeutic.

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Lori - The Generous Wife April 4, 2014 at 5:34 pm

Praying for your situation.

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