There is Hope for Change

February 17, 2014

in the generous life

I ran across this old post of mine and thought, “This is important stuff. I need to post it again!”

OK, so I’m going to get a little personal here (just fair warning).

I started out with huge sexual issues when I married my guy (childhood sexual abuse, bad family messages about sex, acquaintance rape, a painful first marriage). Over the years I learned not to fear sex and then even to enjoy it some. It was still a struggle at times, but it was getting better and better and I figured it would keep on that way. I was intentional about becoming healthy sexually and it was working.

Then a couple of years ago “something happened” and sex became easy, fun and very good, almost like someone flipped a switch. I’ve always wondered what exactly happened, but it wasn’t until the other night that I think I figured it out.

My husband and I were talking about “tipping points” (where you reach a point of critical mass and push over into something new (and hopefully better)) and I went “ah-ha!” In my head I saw a set of scales. On one side were all the sex-negative things and on the other side where all the sex-positive things. At first the negative side was clanking on the counter because of all the mess in my life. But over the years I added sex-positive things and worked very hard to dismiss and push off all those sex-negative things. At some point the positive outweighed the negative and the scales tipped! All this time I’ve been looking for that one thing that was responsible for the change, when it was the cumulative effect of a number of changes that finally tipped the scale.

My point in sharing this with you is that tipping points happen and you can build a happy, healthy sexual life if you will work at it. Actually you could do that with any area of your marriage or your life, but I wanted to speak specifically to sexuality because so many women struggle with sex in marriage.

I made a point of changing what I believed, what I thought and what I did.  Over time that made a difference. I think that is why I harp on reading books and blogs, because they will help you challenge what you believe and give you ideas to try. At first it’s hard work and it feels unnatural, but over time you can rework your belief system and change your habits. You can take sex-negative things out of your life, add sex-positive things and tip those scales.

Just a reminder that there is always hope for change. Whether your issue is sexuality or finances or communication, consistent baby steps can get you there.

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Don’t forget to share your Date Ideas for Young Moms (<– click here to comment) to enter to win a Lang coffee mug (or the book of your choice from the Marriage Book Library). I’ll pick a winner Feb. 24th.

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The Generous Husband: Eastern Sex An explanation and some concerns.

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If you are looking for something reasonable that provides for your medical costs, check out The Health Co-op (it qualifies under the Affordable Health Care act). My husband and I have been using it for over a year and we are very happy with it.

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Chris February 17, 2014 at 1:27 am

I love seeing this piece again, Lori. You first posted it about a year and a half after I began to make a real effort to work on the intimacy in our marriage. It was right when I was approaching my tipping point. While things didn’t yet seem good, they no longer seemed bad. I had started to wonder if our marriage had gotten as good as it was going to get and if putting in more effort would even make a difference. This post helped me see what was happening and encouraged me to keep pushing through when I was wondering if there was any point. A few months later, I realized that I had passed the tipping point and was in a pretty good place.

It’s nice to be reminded of that time when I could finally feel the shift and know that my efforts had truly made a difference.

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Lori - The Generous Wife February 17, 2014 at 6:24 pm

Wow, that is so encouraging to me. It’s nice to know that I’m not some fluke, but that others are tipping over too. :)

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RB March 8, 2014 at 6:13 am

Have you heard of other wives whose “switch” has flipped like yours? Or is their process different? You sound as if you had a very definitive experience.

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Lori - The Generous Wife March 8, 2014 at 9:35 am

Yes, over the years I’ve heard from quite a few. Everyone’s journey is a bit different, but most include a real effort to deal with the negative sexual messages in their life.

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