Sexual Vulnerability

January 18, 2014

in the generous life

A few days ago I encouraged y’all to take a survey about porn use and the results are in. If you love stats, click. If not, well … basically porn is hurting marriages. We all knew that.

I want to make it terribly clear that a wife is not responsible for her husband’s porn use. He chooses what he looks at.

That said, we can leave our husbands in a place of vulnerability when we don’t take care of their sexual needs (1 Cor 7:5). Our world routinely throws sexual images at our husbands. Let’s be gracious and make sure our husbands are well cared for in the bedroom.

If you struggle with porn yourself (a growing number of women do), please get help (Dirty Girls). If you struggle with being there sexually for your man, continue to expose yourself to marriage friendly material (blogs, good books) and marriage-positive friends. Get counseling if you need to.

A healthy sexuality is a powerful force for good in a marriage.

Drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.  Song of Songs 5:1b  NAS

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Leadership Couples: 7 Things Not to Do in 2014 Very challenging post. I’m going to have to mull over this one for a few days. Take a few notes. (for me it was the string of chili pepper lights)  :)

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Becoming His Eve: Party Like a Viking Date Night With a title like that I just had to link to it.

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Stupendous Marriage: Interview with author Sheila Wray Gregoire Recently I gave away a copy of 31 Days to Great Sex. Here is a great interview with the author.

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Tee January 18, 2014 at 7:23 am

What about situations like mine? I don’t watch porn. My husband says he doesn’t but I don’t believe that 100%. The problem is ME not being sexually satisfied because of him constantly being tired or in pain from work. I get frustrated when I’m in the mood and he says no (which is most times). He says he doesn’t want to start something he can’t finish (meaning pleasing me sexually). Honorable in theory but physically and emotionally painful. I miss the spontaneity and the passion. I miss trying new things. I feel bad if I have to masturbate because I understand what he goes through but my needs aren’t being met. Maybe our sex drives have changed. We’ve talked about it and nothing happens because he still feels the same: he doesn’t want to start something he can’t finish. What about cases like that?

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Lori - The Generous Wife January 18, 2014 at 1:16 pm

Not sure what is going on, but you can call his bluff. Ask him to start and go as long as he can and if/when he stalls out you can finish up. Call it sexual play and let him know that you want him involved even if it’s just a little bit. Chances are once he gets started he will enjoy it, whatever happens. You won’t be masturbating alone. You are creating a new kind of sexual play based on your current circumstances.

That said, start praying about his job. If his job leaves him so tired or sore he can’t engage in life outside of work, that’s a problem. I understand if that is the only work he can get today to pay your bills today. Just start praying and thinking about the long term options.

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Tee January 19, 2014 at 6:00 am

Basically he asked me years ago if I was satisfied sexually and I told him no. Because of that, if he feels he can’t “perform” at his best or close to it, he won’t try. It’s left a lot of frustration for me.

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Hannah January 18, 2014 at 8:21 pm

Amen, sister friend! I have met wives who believe they are responsible for their husband’s sexual sins (i.e. porn or extramarital affairs). It’s sad because their whole world is crushed over the effects of their husband’s sins, and then on top of that, they bear the burden of an incredible guilt that isn’t theirs to bear.

I do also agree though that wives have an incredible influence in the bedroom, and should strive to please him sexually frequently. I don’t always feel like it and some nights, I just can’t for certain reasons. On those nights, we talk it through and make plans to try again later, and we try to still be intimate without having intercourse. There are also nights when I’m not “really in the mood” but I try wholeheartedly anyway and make a decent effort to satisfy him because I love him, and generally when he’s getting turned on, I do too in the process. And if I don’t and it’s not working, then we stop, talk about it, and make plans to try again another time. I think this is the least wives can do for their husbands.

Thanks for sharing my date night idea!

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