It’s Not About You

June 14, 2013

in the generous life

For the most part, when someone fusses at you or is generally grumpy … it’s really about them and not about you.

No I’m not trying to shift blame or go soft on sin. It’s just something that I’ve seen quite a bit of lately and thought I’d comment on.

I see women being fussed at by family, co-workers, and friends. Typically women take on the responsibility of trying to fix what they are “doing wrong” and “make things better.” The problem is that often the problem has little if anything to do with them.

The kids are tired or bored and they let mom have an earful. The husband has had a bad day at work and suddenly nothing at home satisfies him. Her discouraged coworker blames her for the failed team project or her unhappy mother-in-law gives her the worst wife of the year award.

The blame game is alive and well and doing a great amount of destruction in relationships.

Yes, we all need to grow up and learn to improve how we do life, but most of the fussiness that comes our way is not about what we are doing, not doing, saying, or not saying. It’s about the current condition of the person doing the fussing and our behavior is their excuse for venting their angst.

Do take that into consideration when someone fusses at you. Listen for the legitimate (yes, sometimes there is a real reason), but understand that most of the blow is likely to be about the other person’s current unhappiness.

What to do?

Sow peace.

Personally, I find that staying calm and listening takes care of a lot of it. Asking questions can help (most people just need to vent, to be heard), as can finding practical solutions. Most of it requires prayer and sometimes you have to be firm and let them know that their fussiness is unkind and there is nothing you can do.

I guess what I’m trying to say is guard against believing every cranky word that comes your way. Don’t let other people’s bad hair day become your reality. Turn the table with calmness, kindness and thoughtfulness. 

First keep the peace within yourself, then you can also bring peace to others.  Thomas a Kempis

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Andrea M. June 14, 2013 at 6:59 am

GREAT post, thank you!

Reply

Gaye @CalmHealthySexy June 14, 2013 at 10:47 am

Thanks so much, Lori! And I’m going to go read about pelvic floor health asap!

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Barbara Heller June 14, 2013 at 11:51 am

Great post, Lori. I so agree with you! As a people pleaser, fixer of all problems, I’ve had to guard against this many times! :)

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Kiley @kkmcphat June 14, 2015 at 6:34 am

I guess I have to look at the condition of the person and still sow that peace. Thank you very much for this article, it helps a lot when I read about the different topics provided.
I am going to still pray for this particular person and I am going to also finally let them know about their behavior that is rather rude and be done with it.

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libl June 14, 2015 at 5:42 pm

I am dealing with this right now in my marriage. It ranges from uncomfortable to abusive. I have been striving to be the best wife possible since we got married…..scouring blogs, books, counsel with pastor and other Christian married women, but it seems nothing I do is enough so I concluded it isn’t about me. It is about him.

It still hurts. I feel sucker punched so often. I hate speaking careful words in love and have them met with sarcasm or snide off-putting remarks. I hate reaching out in love and having my touch met with rigidity. I hate saying, “I love you,” and having his eyes look at mine with darkness as he asks in a hardened tone, “why?” And never returns the sentiment.

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Jo June 15, 2015 at 5:15 am

libl,

I am experiencing the same thing. It seems like it has always been present but I never recognized it until i kept a list of “Not To Do’s”.

Everytime she rants about something, i note “not to do it” again, hoping i can avoid another unpleasant discussion tomorrrow as I return home from work. Unfortunately, the list seems to continue to grow. I can’t keep up with all the things i shouldn’t do on a daily basis. Most ALL of them seem normal to me, for the most part.

Walking on egg shells.

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