"I don't feel like having sex."
I hear this from women fairly often about their marriage relationships. My response?
Do you feel like doing the dishes, changing diapers or having that report done by Friday?
No?
Then why do you do it?
We all have things we struggle with, but we manage to find a reason and the time to do them. Usually it is because of love (changing a diaper at 2am was never my favorite thing, but love of that wiggly little person made it happen) or need (I need that paycheck).
So let's think about sex for a minute ...
Love.
If you love your husband, can you make a way to meet his needs even when it is not always convenient?
Need.
If you understand the need for building your marriage in an ongoing way, can you make a way to be sexually available as a part of what is needed?
Sex really isn't that different from any of the other things in our lives. We just need to think it through and weigh in with what matters. Your marriage relationship matters. You matter. Your husband matters.
(As a side note, for many women, arousal grows as they engage in foreplay. It's perfectly normal. If you don't feel aroused to start with, give it a go and let your body catch up with your willingness. Learn to look forward to sex because of how good you know it will be.)
The best use of life is love. The best expression of love is time. The best time to love is now. Rick Warren
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Hot, Holy and Humorous: Wives, Should You Initiate Sex? Reciprocity matters!
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Black and Married With Kids: 5 Ways to Support Your Spouse’s Dreams Dreams give your lives passion. Make the time to support each other's dreams.
I do wonder if many of the women who don’t “feel like it’ haven’t learned to enjoy it? I feel like for me it was a process. My husband learned to please me and I learned to let myself enjoy it. To appreciate that he loved to see me enjoying what he was doing and that if I relaxed and got into it the whole thing ws much more fun.
Comment by christy — March 8, 2013 @ 5:59 am
You’ve written similar posts in the past and your words moved me to make a conscious decision to be intimate with my husband even when I’m not feeling particularly amorous. But do you have any advice for a wife whose husband is often “too tired”? It’s happening more often and–while I’m trying to be understanding– I’m starting to feel rejected and quite frustrated.
Comment by Renee — March 8, 2013 @ 6:16 am
@Christy Yes, very much so. If women don’t learn to really enjoy sex, then it’s far harder to face having sex. It’s a lot of work with little pay off. You please your husband, but you personally get little out of it.
Comment by The Generous Wife — March 8, 2013 @ 10:39 am
@Renee I’d nudge for some conversation about the busyness in your lives and work to simplify and create some margin so that you both have the time and energy to enjoy sex. If that is not the reason, you might check out this list (sometimes it’s a combination of factors).
http://www.the-generous-wife.com/lack-of-desire/
Comment by The Generous Wife — March 8, 2013 @ 10:41 am
My husband is having issues with ED and he loves to be intimate but with his issues it’s hard for me to enjoy with the issues. Sometimes it doesn’t get as hard or as big as normal. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings instead of just saying no? Thank you for any advice!
Comment by Kelly — March 8, 2013 @ 1:50 pm
@Kelly I would encourage you to get educated and then get creative. Don’t give up on sexual intimacy. ED is a real problem, but scientists are working to find helps and solutions. There are creative work arounds.
You might start here with The Marriage Bed’s article on Erectile Difficulty. http://bit.ly/Z70VfU
Comment by The Generous Wife — March 8, 2013 @ 5:12 pm