The Other Side of the Coin – Why Guys Say No to Sex

June 24, 2012

in the generous life

The recent Marriage Bed survey also polled men about why they say no to sex. Again this is not strict science, but we can learn from it because these are real people with real perspectives.

Busyness, stress and exhaustion are, sadly, still king. Folks, we need to take this very seriously and wisely simplify our lives. OK, I’m going to say this again. Please slow down and simplify your lives. Make time for each other so that you can build your marriage, rather than act like ships passing in the night (emphasis on “passing”).

Too tired.     45.2%
It’s late and/or getting up early in the morning. 35.5%
Stressed.     19.4%

Our guys want sex, but they want it with emotional connection. They need to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. (See also men’s added comments at the bottom of the post)  

We have not connected emotionally.     25.8%
She’s been rude to me recently.     25.8%

Guys have physical issues too. Please, please, please see a doctor when there are physical problems. Don’t play the blame game. Instead look for solutions and creative workarounds. Encourage him and look for other ways to give sexual pleasure.

I suffer from premature ejaculation.     16.1%
I have or worry about erectile dysfunction.     12.9%
Physical pain.     0.0%

The following one surprised me. I’m not entirely sure what this reflects because I do not feel the option is specific enough, but it got a significant response so we need to cover all the bases. Ask yourself ~ Is my bedroom a sanctuary for my husband and me? Do we have a lock on our door? Noise cover? etc.

Not enough privacy.     19.4%

Here’s where the guys point to gals and say we play a part in their problems.

Some of it we can write off. If a guy is looking at porn, of course he is going to think his wife is too slow to climax, not pretty enough, not willing to do the “things he likes” and he may find it difficult to climax with her (she is a real person after all). Porn use has some serious repercussions.

However, there may be some things we can learn from the following stats. We can take better care of ourselves in all ways and challenge our own sexual difficulties so that we can enjoy sex and be a bit creative about it.

I realize that what I have just written does not even begin to cover all the problems that the following stats point to, but it does cover a lot of them and it would be a good place to start, both with action and discussion with your husband.  

She does not turn me on (and I don’t look at porn).     19.4%
She takes way too long to climax.     12.9
I masturbated recently.     9.7%
She refuses to do the things I like.  6.5% (there was a typo with this, but I think the meaning was fairly clear)
If I do, she “wins”.     6.5%
I find it very difficult to climax with her.     3.2%
She does not turn me on (and I do look at porn).     3.2% 

Here are the added comments from the survey of men. 

She’s rarely in the mood, and because of premature ejaculation she thinks I’m selfish. So I gave up. She also said sex is “Just another chore”, which hurt.
Too many quickies for me only, I want a partner who participates not a masturbation aid.
I never say no to sex.
I cannot every remember saying no to my wife’s desire for sex.
When it’s obvious that she’s just offering out of pity or duty. Maybe that’s lack of emotional connection, I don’t know.
I hate hair.
Medically induced Low Testosterone has made it impossible for me to become aroused or even achieve an erection. It has cause numerous problems for us maritally speaking, She even threw her wedding rings in the garbage. (I got them out, and she is wearing them, but it’s really dicey now for us.)
Just not feeling turned on.
Same reason.
I DON’T SAY NO EVER ;)
Tired of emotional drama.
I never say no. Ever. Not for any reason. If I am coherent and not hospitalized, I’m game.
I don’t refuse…

Image credit © Matthew Heinrichs | Dreamstime.com

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A very thoughtful post from Scott (of Journey to Surrender) ~ Tough Decisions (Part 2)  Definitely something to read and discuss with your husband.

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Get to it! ~ Flirt Like You Mean It! (from One Flesh Marriage)

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

John Wilder June 24, 2012 at 5:06 am

Here is a very damnning statistic from Kinsey, just 21% of married women over the age of 30 have sex with their husbands 2-3 times a week that the average guy needs. It is once a week or less and this is a crime against their husbands and a violation of their vows to have and to hold which is a euphemism for sex

Reply

J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) June 25, 2012 at 10:18 am

I am rather surprised by that 9.7% who said no because they had recently masturbated. Are they choosing to masturbate instead of being connected physically with their wife? I would love to ask follow-up questions on that one.

Thanks for sharing the results, Lori!

Reply

The Generous Wife June 25, 2012 at 2:02 pm

@John I do understand what you are saying, but I think leveling accusations of “crime against their husband” and “violation of their vows” seems rather harsh and doesn’t take into account the very real difficulties of their lives (including husbands who commit crimes against their wives and break their vows). Most women aren’t intentionally hurtful or neglectful, they’re just doing their best to deal with life in a culture that makes marriage and intimacy difficult at best and nearly impossible on other days.

My point in sharing the statistics was to help women figure out where the obstacles are so that they can make better choices and improve intimacy in and out of their bedrooms.

Reply

Bert June 24, 2014 at 8:30 pm

I don’t think John was being Harsh as much as looking at what we see from a mans perspective. Unfortunately men are characterized as having a one track mind…and that’s all we care about….when in reality most of us Love our wives and express our Love being wired for sex….I love my wife and want to be with her alone because SHE IS THE ONE….my love…..when it is not reciprocated ….We no longer feel like a man who is desired…..In chess it is the QUEEN who protects the KING……in life it is shown by making her man feel desired…and feeling like he rocks her world!….that man who would lay down his life in a split second down for her without a second thought….you see a high percentage of sex positive women who read your blog…..but from talking to many men in my accountability groups…and Godly friends….they are absolutely starving for that….to be desired and wanted by their wives are but a pipe dream to most….the Song of Songs is a fairy tale…not a Book of the Bible to them….That is sad and not Biblical no matter how you analyzed it….

Reply

The Generous Wife June 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

@J (of Hot, Holy & Humorous) Yes, I’d like to understand the “why” as well. It could be because the wife is not available, he’s tired (masturbation is easier and quicker), he’s avoiding something in the relationship, he’s viewing porn, etc.

I’d like to see a follow up poll.

Reply

Bonny @oysterbed7 June 25, 2014 at 4:55 am

“If I do, ‘she wins,'” was very troubling for me. I want to sit down with those couples. Your remark, “We can take better care of ourselves in all ways and challenge our own sexual difficulties so that we can enjoy sex and be a bit creative about it,” was an encouraging challenge. As you said to John, life is difficult and neither spouse should bear the total blame of sexual desire differences. There’s work to be done on both sides. But, I shouldn’t say both ‘sides,’ because that is what the problem is. I should say, ‘halves of the whole.’ When I reframed my thoughts, and no longer saw my husband as a sexual adversary, things started turning around. I hope your survey and thoughts are insightful for higher drive wives.

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