Survey Results – Why I Say No to Sex

June 20, 2012

in the generous life

These are the women’s results to a recent survey on The Marriage Bed’s Facebook page.

I want to start by pointing out that this is not a scientific study. However, I think we can learn something from it. It is likely that the participants are married Christians (given the crowd that would see the poll) and they face the same challenges in life that we do.

When I look at the data (below) I see a huge amount of difficulty due to busyness.

I want y’all to hear me here ~ I do not want to minimize the very real health and relationship issues shared, but I do want to emphatically point out the busyness, stress, exhaustion, and overall lack of time for intimacy and marriage building.  They play a significant role in the scope of sexual difficulty. We need to pay attention to this and learn from this!

Beware the barrenness of a busy life. Socrates

Why not take a moment to list your reasons for saying no to sex. What do you practically need to do to face and deal with those reasons? If you need to simplify your lifestyle, make it a priority to talk with your husband and then make the time you need to invest in your marriage and sex life. Even if busyness is not the most significant issue, consider simplifying your life where you can to make dealing with all marriage issues a bit easier.

WOMEN: Why do you say no to sex?

Too tired.      61.4%
It’s late and/or getting up early in the morning.      46.6%
We have not connected emotionally.      43.2%
He’s been rude to me recently.      28.4%
Stressed.      26.1%
Physical pain.      21.6%
He thinks it means everything is okay, and it’s not.      19.3%
I feel it’s all he wants me for.      14.8%
It would take way too much time and effort to climax.      14.8%
I don’t like how I look.      13.6%
There is never enough foreplay.      10.2%
I’ve rarely or never climax.      10.2%
Not enough privacy.      9.1%
If I do, he “wins”.      6.8%
He does not take care of me sexually – when he’s done, he thinks it’s over.      6.8%
He does not turn me on.      6.8%
He smells bad.      5.7%
He’s too rough.      3.4%
I think sex is wrong or gross.      3.4%
He always wants to do things I don’t like.      2.3%
I just don’t love him anymore.      1.1%

Other responses:

Lack of comfort, lack of cleanliness, menstruation, pregnancy, the interruption of small children, health conditions or sickness, husband’s lack of sexual interest, lack of sexual desire, relationship issues and fear of vulnerability.

Image credit © Karen Roach |


A little shy? ~ Can’t Speak Your Fantasy? Put it on a Post-it  (from Making Love in a Microwave)


Nice summer time idea ~ Hello To Summer Date Night  (from The Romantic Vineyard)



{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

John Wilder June 20, 2012 at 3:33 am

I Cor 7 does not allow for these excuses nor does Proverbs 5:18


J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) June 20, 2012 at 5:21 am

These results are interesting, Lori. I was happy to see that foreplay and climax were not a big issue, though stress and lack of energy clearly are. I took this survey too, and I do say “no” at times–but not really. I say “not now” and typically suggest another time. For instance, if I’ve had the day from Hades, I might ask for an hour to diffuse so I can shift into romantic mode. If the kids have worn out every last nerve in my body that day, I may need some sleep and to catch hubby in the morning so I can be fully engaged. More often than not, however, I just jump in and before I know it, I’m mentally and physically there.

Thanks for sharing your survey results.

P.S. The husband’s lack of interest saddened me, but that certainly happens in some marriages.


Buffy June 20, 2012 at 8:11 am

I remember before I was married I got a bit of really bad advice about sex which clouded my marriage for the first couple years. While I would have answered a survey like this in the too tired or too busy category then really I was saying no because of how I thought about sex, that it wasn’t important.

The truth is sex is so important, not just for my husband but for me. I will admit that I have a wonderful and godly husband and today I rarely ever say no…if I do it usually has to do with severe illness or exhaustion. What I have found that really helps me is to track how often we do have sex (I have an app on my phone). Now I can look at a glance and see that we have either had sex everyday or haven’t for a couple days. If I notice it’s been a while then I initiate.

It can be hard at times, we have 5 kids ages 9-2, but I know that investing in my intimate relationship with my husband is investing in my kids future. My parents didn’t have a close relationship and growing up (even now grown and in my own home) I knew something was missing from their relationship and was constantly in fear that they would split up. I don’t want that for my kids, I want them to not just trust that their parents love each other, I want them to know it. So if that means they catch us kissing, or hear us in our room every once and a while, so be it. I know our family will be better for it not worse.


The Generous Wife June 21, 2012 at 10:55 am

@John I’m not trying to validate saying no on a routine basis, but rather trying to help women understand their personal difficulties when it comes to sex.

As a general concept, I think we are responsible to take care of our spouse’s legitimate sexual needs and wants. I think there are some valid reasons for saying “no” or, as “J” said, “not right now.” I’m pretty useless when it comes to sex when I’m head-in-the-toilet sick or when I’m so jet lagged I can’t even focus on undoing my shoe laces. Common kindness rules. Spouses can give you a break until you are better.

What I am concerned about is ongoing difficulty that needs to be addressed. I always start with practical measures. Take care of your physical health and make time for your marriage. OK, now what problems are left over? How do you work on those?


Kathleen June 22, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Now, when are you gonna tell the guys these things! Or better yet, have Paul give this survey to the guys! (I saw there was a guy part!) Thank you!


The Generous Wife June 23, 2012 at 10:18 am

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