Tip Me Over

March 23, 2012

in the generous life

OK, so I’m going to get a little personal here (just fair warning).

I started out with huge sexual issues when I married my guy (childhood sexual abuse, bad family messages about sex, acquaintance rape, a painful first marriage). Over the years I learned not to fear sex and then even to enjoy it some. It was still a struggle at times, but it was getting better and better and I figured it would keep on that way. I was intentional about becoming healthy sexually and it was working.

Then a couple of years ago “something happened” and sex became easy, fun and very good, almost like someone flipped a switch. I’ve always wondered what exactly happened, but it wasn’t until the other night that I think I figured it out.

My husband and I were talking about “tipping points” (where you reach a point of critical mass and push over into something new (and hopefully better)) and I went “ah-ha!” In my head I saw a set of scales. On one side were all the sex-negative things and on the other side where all the sex-positive things. At first the negative side was clanking on the counter because of all the mess in my life. But over the years I added sex-positive things and worked very hard to dismiss and push off all those sex-negative things. At some point the positive outweighed the negative and the scales tipped! All this time I’ve been looking for that one thing that was responsible for the change, when it was the cumulative effect of a number of changes that finally tipped the scale.

My point in sharing this with you is that tipping points happen and you can build a happy, healthy sexual life if you will work at it. Actually you could do that with any area of your marriage or your life, but I wanted to speak specifically to sexuality because so many women struggle with sex in marriage.

I made a point of changing what I believed, what I thought and what I did.  Over time that made a difference. I think that is why I harp on reading books and blogs, because they will help you challenge what you believe and give you ideas to try. At first it’s hard work and it feels unnatural, but over time you can rework your belief system and change your habits. You can take sex-negative things out of your life, add sex-positive things and tip those scales.

Image credit © Dimdimich | Dreamstime.com

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This movie is in the theaters over the weekend ~ October Baby  Some friends of mine saw the preview and said is was a very tastefully done movie about abortion issues. Bring tissues.
 

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Don’t forget your NJLG filter ~ Speaking Through a Filter  (from Happy Wives Club)

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Kate’s response to Zing 1 & Zing 2 in the Bedroom  (from One Flesh Marriage) 

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Be generous!  Lori <><

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Michelle March 23, 2012 at 5:32 am

Tipping points — What a great picture!!! I, too, have experienced the freedom from something negative, but slighly differently. I worked to see the good and push away the negative and as I did that God worked in me. Eventually, He revealed a lie that I had held from my teenage years. Because of this revelation and healing, I have a changed perspective on something that was unhealthy and hurtful to my marriage. I’m not sure the lie would have been revealed without my intentional seeking of something better. My tipping point came when I stopped believing an untruth. The down-side of my change is that my husband doesn’t know what to do with it, how to respond to my new-found health and joy because it is so different than what used to be even though this change blesses him dramatically. I continue to pray for his acceptance. Thank you for your encouragement and for calling us to be better and better wives.

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Mair March 23, 2012 at 6:18 am

What do you do when it’s your husband who doesn’t have a good image of himself and won’t make love to you for over three yrs. now b/c he can’t get past his own self image. I’ve tried all I can think of and got tired of “making love” to him for over 30 yrs. and getting very little in return. So now there is nothing between us and it’s affecting the rest of our marriage. If we weren’t best friends to begin with there would be absolutely no reason to go on. I’m at a total loss.

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Nicole March 23, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Great imagery… and very true. Something has to tip those scales in your favor for change to occur. Sometimes it’s a specific circumstance or moment in time… other times it’s a gradual shift in weight.

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Tisha March 23, 2012 at 12:58 pm

The hardest part about sex for me is that it is often one sided. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve said no to sex with hubby but I’m constantly turned down. I almost feel like it’s a control thing. Usually I’m being awakened out of sleep for sex instead of deliberate,” your kisses make me want you” sex. There’s always a reason (like body aches or simply not in the mood) and I accept it but I won’t pretend it doesn’t bother me. It crushes my self confidence and I always wonder what I could do differently. How do you handle that?

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Fawn March 23, 2012 at 3:12 pm

This is awesome, Lori! There is a best-selling book by Malcolm Gladwell that I love called The Tipping Point. Loved this blog post!

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The Generous Wife March 23, 2012 at 5:19 pm

@Tisha and @Mair – Sheila recently did a nice series on hubbies with low desire.

http://bit.ly/GNVuvc – Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Make Love?
http://bit.ly/GYMvab – Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love Day 2: What Can I Do?
http://bit.ly/ymnhac – When Your Spouse Isn’t Interested in Sex: Communicating Your Needs
http://bit.ly/GK8j9c – When Your Spouse Withholds Sex

You might also want to check out http://www.the-generous-wife.com/lack-of-desire/

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Lucy March 23, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Lori, Thank you for this post. I am sure it was difficult to open up to this extent. You should be proud of how you have “tipped the scales” and now you are helping others. I have to say I didn’t have the issues you brought to your present marriage but I have/had sexual hangups for years. Literally my sweet husband went months without making love. I didn’t know until a couple years ago that I was actually committing a sin by denying him. I don’t know what tipped my scales but I am so thankful we are in a better place. I look forward to more fun and physical love in the years to come. Thank You Again, Lucy

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Michelle March 24, 2012 at 7:04 am

I am struggling with this right now and just want that switch to turn on my desire. My husband is patient and loving and deserves my love. I keep trying to figure out why I’m not more “motivated”. Thank you for letting me know it takes time. Do you have any suggestions for material to read to give me daily ideas about tipping the scale? I want to tip it but don’t know exactly how? Thank you for sharing your heart! You are a blessing!

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The Generous Wife March 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

@Michelle

I would encourage you to check out Sheila’s new book (http://amzn.to/yimIVu) or Intimate Issues (http://amzn.to/xF5Efv).

Blogs to read:
http://intimacyinmarriage.com/
http://hotholyhumorous.blogspot.com/
http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com

You might also use this list to trouble shoot a bit. http://www.the-generous-wife.com/lack-of-desire/

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