Sex in the Balance

August 6, 2011

in the generous life

Every now and then I get an email from someone who suggests that I put too high an emphasis on sex. 

© Victor Burnside | Dreamstime.comNow I will own that I do a fair amount of talking about healthy sex in marriage.  I saw my marriage nearly fall apart because of lack of sexual knowledge and personal wounding over sex.  That was compounded by a silent church that didn’t know how to help my husband and me.  I have also been aware of the void of helpful information about sex from the church (though that has changed significantly over the last few years) and from the world (ohmygosh, some of the stuff out there is just plain scary). 

That said, I hope that I can share a balanced view.  Sex is hugely important and we need to be creative there as well, but, to keep it all in balance, all areas of our marriages need to be tended to, carefully and patiently, through the days and years of our lives.

I would like to share one concept with y’all, though, something that the Lord shared with me years ago when I wanted to downplay the importance of sex.

Things you can do with others: You can share a home, share your thoughts, pray with them, hug them, tell them secrets, even raise a kid with them.  The list is pretty endless.

Things you can do ONLY with your spouse:   sex      … um, that’s it.

Again, I don’t mean to say that those other things are not important to your marriage.  They are deeply important.  You need to build all areas of your marriage relationship.  But please realize that sex is unique to marriage and … so, I’m guessing, it’s kind of important.

If you are struggling with sex, please realize that you are not alone.  The important thing is to continue to challenge yourself to grow in this area.  Consider carefully why you struggle, look for help, read good books, hang out with couples who have healthy marriages, etc.  Don’t give up, because growth and change in your marriage is very possible, even when it has to do with sex.

Links may be monetized.
Image credit © Victor Burnside |



Black & Married With Kids: What Happens When You Treat Your Spouse As Your Enemy? – time to change our attitudes!
The Generous Husband: A challenging series about anger

Be Angry, BUT …
Anger, The Emotion We Secretly Enjoy
The Fear/Avoidance Factor
The “Power” of Fear and Avoidance
Try to See It Through Her Eyes
Her Anger
The Make Up/Sex Trap
Anger Wrap Up

A Grown Up Marriage: Dealing With Our Negative Emotions – dealing with emotions in a constructive, loving and respectful way.
Hot, Holy & Humorous: A Little Instruction for the Kiss – A must read.  Common sense wrapped in a belly laugh.
(in)courage: Serving People With Food – It’s about being the hands and feet of Jesus.
Internet Cafe Conversations: Life is a Series of Tiny Choices – Life happens one choice at a time.
Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage: Everyone Has a Big But – A powerful integrity message (and, yes, I laughed).
To Love, Honor & Vacuum: Modesty Should Not Mean Dowdy – preach it, girl!
Marriage Life: Remind Me – sweet song and a beautiful relationship goal.
Marriage Works: Secure Your Own Marital Oxygen Mask First – great analogy!
One Flesh Marriage: Life in Sexual Drought Begging for Change and Ending the Sexual Drought – seeking healthy change.
The Romantic Vineyard: Final Gift, Proverbs 13, and What Does a Healthy Marriage Look Like? – Tom and Debi are really kickin’ it this week.  Three great articles about leaving your family a legacy letter, friendships, and getting a check up.


Be generous! Lori <><

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Jenny August 6, 2011 at 2:44 am

Wow, I’m really quite surprised that people give you a hard time about this! Sex was designed by God, it was His idea, and as Christians we shouldn’t treat it with such taboo. We need to discuss it in a healthy way to bring it all back to God’s original design, instead of the pattern the world has created; a pattern some Christians are obviously buying into if they think sex is such a shameful and off-limits topic! If we can’t discuss it in this sort of context, among other believers, all of whom are trying to improve themselves as wives, then where CAN we discuss it? (and it NEEDS to be discussed, because a lot of us are walking around with a skewed view of sex and its messing with our marriages) Come on, let’s reform the view of sex and reclaim it for what it’s always been: God’s gift to us!


Valerie August 6, 2011 at 5:23 pm


Ummmm, for what it’s worth…..I don’t think you talk about sex too much. I’ve been accused of always bringing it up. lol

I thank God for the gift He’s given me and the intimacy that He’s designed to be soley in marriage.

Keep up the good job! Thanks for the tips and reminders!


J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) August 9, 2011 at 10:47 am

I can only imagine what some people think of my blog then! Unfortunately, many are still uncomfortable discussing sex or unaware of the importance of it to God, their spouses, and their marital intimacy. It’s certainly not the only ingredient for a great marriage, but I don’t want to eat cake without the sugar, do you? We need to focus on ALL of the ingredients needed to create a god-honoring, one-flesh-connecting relationship. Thanks for the reminder! (And the plug.)


wendy August 22, 2011 at 8:37 pm

When my husband and I went through marriage counseling with our pastor six years ago, you know what he suggested to us? Have sex, and lots of it. That seemed like the last thing that I wanted to do, but you know what? It worked. Our marriage inside and outside of the bedroom was a mess. I do believe I found your site at that time and I have found it to be very helpful. It has convicted me sometimes to be a better wife, in all areas of my life. Please don’t stop doing what you are doing. You are a blessing from God. Thank you.


Gina Parris August 24, 2011 at 9:18 am

Your site is so beautiful. You don’t have to be balanced in one website! That’s like asking my spice drawer to be more balanced by putting all my canned goods in there. It’s A SPICE DRAWER! Keep up the great work. I probably don’t talk about it enough on my site, and we’re called Winning At Romance!


Shari August 6, 2013 at 6:06 am

I just wish I could get my husband on board. We will be 8 months married on the 12 and haven’t had sex in 3 months. Before that it was so seldom. Ofcourse I read your blogs and others but he refuses. I feel like my marriage is a death trap :(


Lori - The Generous Wife August 6, 2013 at 9:22 am

Shari, please go get help right now. Typically the longer you wait, the harder it is to change. If your husband won’t go with you to a counselor, go alone. A good counselor will help you find ways to talk to your husband that may get his attention. Besides, there is always the curiosity factor. If you go, he’ll wonder what is going on (especially if he sees good changes in you).


Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: