Recently a generous wife (thanks, Tammy!) emailed me to ask for help.
I knew you had discussed "studying" your spouse before. Do you have any ideas on questions??
Let's open this up to the whole list. How do you study your husband? What kinds of questions do you ask?
And let's make this a contest too. Leave your ideas and questions as a comment to this tip and in a week I'll ask my husband for a number (for example "5") and that poster (the 5th poster) will win a copy of Who Calls Me Beautiful, (aff link) a wonderful book about understanding God's idea of true beauty.
Congratulations Donna K for being the 52nd poster and winner of the "Study Him" contest.
Be generous! Lori <><
Wonderful idea!
I try to note what I’m wearing or how I fixed my hair when he tells me I’m pretty… and remember to dress/fix myself that way often. For example, he *says* he likes ‘natural — no makeup,’ and yet when I wear a little mascara and a tiny bit of blush, he comments on how pretty I look.
I observe what he food and recipes he enjoys, and prepare them often; I also note what he doesn’t seem to enjoy, and avoid that. I notice which T-shirts, shorts, shirts, and jeans he seems to prefer… and make sure they have high priority in the laundry pile and are most accessible in his closet.
After we’d been married for 20 years, we filled out “The Chart” (click here), and had my eyes opened about many of his preferences. For example, his idea of a clean house was no dishes in the kitchen sink so that he could walk straight to it and wash his hands when returning home from work; I always wondered why he was so crabby within 10 minutes of returning home from work, especially when my idea of a clean house was everything done except a few dishes in the sink!
Brad and I have been married for 27 years, and I continue to observe him because we both grow and change. Thank you for the WONDERFUL blog, and for this great topic!
Comment by Jen E. — June 20, 2011 @ 3:25 am
My husband loves soccer but I know very little about it. Since he lives it I am trying to learn enough to be able to an enjoy a game with him.
Comment by Heather — June 20, 2011 @ 3:40 am
I have 2:
1- what is something that you would either enjoy doing together but never bring it up or ask because you know it is something the wife does not enjoy or like so you never bring it up or ask because you feel like you already know the answer. This gives us an opportunity to sacrifice and do it with them or even go a step further and surprise plan it for both to do. This can also be something the husband likes to do alone or with another guy friend or family member but does not ask because he knows we will want to go.
- either way we can suggest it and make sure they know we expect to stay home or make other plans since a good husband will enjoy himself more knowing that his wife wanted him to do whatever that (usually) unspoken thing is.
2- we can ask if there is something that we (the wife) used to do in the dating or newlywed stages they liked but we stopped as years went by that they really enjoyed. Those r usually some of the things that made them fall in love with us. Things revisited that have good memories attached can bring healing to wrong and bad habits we’ve picked up over the years due to life:) sometimes we need to be reminded by those awesome memories; the ones that made us say I DO!
Comment by misty DeCourcey — June 20, 2011 @ 3:43 am
I watch his body langusge. After 35 years I have a lot of non verbal cues that help me discern his moods and needs. It’s so easy if we care enough to watch.
Comment by Kim Gable — June 20, 2011 @ 3:43 am
I study my husband by asking him what he thinks: what are his thoughts on ______ subject? In new situations: did I do a good enough job in ___? After every new dish that I make I ask him about it: Did he like that dish? Is it worth making again? Is there something I should change in it? I study him by trying new things on him ~ a surprise poke in the ribs or tickle on his feet. I also study my husband by looking at his face when things are said or when he is listening or watching something (for instance, in a group where he is not the main attraction). He is somewhat reserved but if I even see a sparkle of something in his face I often will ask him about it later.
Comment by Mrs. VK — June 20, 2011 @ 3:48 am
I study my husband when he is watching t.v. I can tell when he is struggling with his thoughts by the commercials he watches and the shows he lingers on. It gives me great insight to when satan in pulling his eyes/thoughts in the wrong direction.
Comment by Stephanie Badger — June 20, 2011 @ 4:08 am
Good morning! I really appreciate your daily emails. Your ministry has helped my marriage so much. I get to know my husband by just listening. He is willing to share so much if he feels he has a safe place to share it. I don’t always ask alot of questions either. I just listen and nod or smile as appropriate. I also listen to the stories his family shares. There stories of gaps in childhood (an absent parent for example) help me to understand where my husband may carry unresolved hurt and it helps me to know how to pray. I listen for simple things like him saying it’s too hot in his office all the time to lead me to bring a fan there or when he mentioned he was going to buy a stapler for his desk I bought it and put it on the desk before he even remembered making the comment. If we are at a potluck and he says he likes a certain dessert I will obtain the recipe. Just listen.
Comment by Dria Davis — June 20, 2011 @ 4:23 am
I think you could ask fun question. If money were no object….what would you want to do for a week? If you could have only one gift this year, what would you want? Do you like action or romance…? What’s your favorite movie? -Why?
I made a questionare and we both answered it together on seperate sheets of paper. Then we looked at each others answers and had stuff to talk about.
Also, study what he spends his free time doing. What type of shows does he enjoy watching? Chores don’t count. Those are things he has to do.
Do you ever browse around together and look at things. Let him lead you to what he’s interested in. Make mental notes as you ask questions, listen and add your comments too. He wants to know more about you as well.
Comment by Valerie — June 20, 2011 @ 4:51 am
To “study” my beloved husband, I look into his eyes and watch his expressions. I try to ask him questions that will help him to be able to express his emotions- such as “How does that make you feel”? or “Why do you think you feel that way’? Sometimes we go deeper in our discussion as to why he feels that way – I’ll ask questions regarding his childhood or his first marriage. I’ve found through the years that the more respectful I am with his answers, the more vulnerable he is with his heart – allowing me to see who he really is.
Comment by Dawn Horzempa — June 20, 2011 @ 5:03 am
In learning how much my husband needs to be respected, I asked him what it is that makes him feel like he’s NOT being respected. Then I started working on those specific things with the kids and for myself.
Comment by Bekah Furches — June 20, 2011 @ 5:07 am
Here are a few I’ve used:
If you were perfectly you, how would you be different? How can I help you get closer to your ideal?
What would best satisfy your intellectual hunger? (what intellectual “food” do you most desire–including intellectual activities and/or information?)
What are you emotionally hungry for?
What are you spiritually hungry for?
What are you relationally hungry for?
What sounds best satisfy your auditory hunger?
What sensations best fill your tactile hunger?
What sights best fill your visual hunger?
What motions (or lack thereof) best fill your proprioceptive hunger?
Comment by the princess — June 20, 2011 @ 5:26 am
I ask my husband to tell me how he feels or what’s on his mind. Things he generally wouldn’t tell me. I listen and try to be mindful of the problems he’s facing at work to see how I can best help him if I can.
Comment by Kisha — June 20, 2011 @ 5:39 am
How does he like his coffee? And what would make it special for him?
Comment by Andi b — June 20, 2011 @ 5:47 am
Here are two questions I posed to my husband recently. I thought the answers would help me as his wife and friend better allocate my time, but they would also show me things he values.
What are three things you wish I made a priority or spent more time on?
What are three things you wish I spent less time on?
His answers surprised me and helped me get to know him better (even after 13+ years of marriage).
Comment by Amy Harvey — June 20, 2011 @ 5:54 am
A friend and I interviewed our husbands at lunch yesterday in honour of father’s day. A question that elicited particularly interesting responses was:
‘Besides the obvious answer of the love of God, what trait/characteristic/love to you most hope to pass on to your children?’
Comment by Bri — June 20, 2011 @ 6:18 am
I watch how my husband’s facial expressions change when he is spending time with our girls. When they say certain things, his face looks like . It helps me to know where he may be flourishing in some areas, and also subjects that still remain a mystery to him. This way, I know how I can help him to understand the female population of our house (he is largely outnumbered 4:1). And that helps him to not only understand our daughters better, but also, it helps him to know me, as a female, as well.
Comment by Lauren — June 20, 2011 @ 6:38 am
I have to keep my ears open for when he shows interest in something. He’s got a flagmatic personality, so I find it hard to know what he’s excited about. I feel I’ve so much yet to learn even though we’ve been together for 12 years and have 3 children. Can’t wait to see the other ideas!
Comment by Elizabeth — June 20, 2011 @ 6:55 am
I always ask him how his day was and then really listen – EVEN when he is complaining…my hubby is a very negative person and I am a VERY positive person, so it makes life hard but that is where LOTS of prayer comes to our rescue.
Comment by Lisa Buchanan — June 20, 2011 @ 7:12 am
If somebody handed you a magic lamp and gave you three wishes, what would they be?
What is your perception of how people see you?
If you weren’t in the profession you are, what would be your other dream profession and why?
What is your idea of a truly romantic evening?
If your house was on fire and you had a chance to grab only five things before leaving, they would be…
What would you like to do differently to spice up our sex life?
Comment by Sue — June 20, 2011 @ 7:19 am
I hit reply to quickly. I was going to add that I printed up the questions, like what I posted above, in a Word document, cut them into strips of individual questions and placed them in a little jar. I like to pull one out each evening for us to discuss.
Comment by Sue — June 20, 2011 @ 7:23 am
I try to make a point of not only asking my husband how his day was, but NOT metaphorically vomiting my day all over him. He needs an hour of down time. One other thing is his love language of gifts–he needs gifts far more often than I do to understand love, so I have made a point of writing down the things he says he likes–or we save up together (severely limited budget) to purchase him something of value. This year, for Christmas, instead of wasting money on small gifts, we saved up until February and purchased the super size ipod. He has playlists for me, but for the most part,the ipod stays with him. It may not seem huge, but to him, when I support those kinds of things–saving up for things for him, waiting a few hours to talk about “my” work day, etc., I notice he is far less wound in the evenings and able to discuss things, pray with me, and plan for the next day. When I stray from the things I have noticed keep him calm, there is a significant difference in his behavior. It’s a discipline of love for both of us, really.
I can’t wait to see what other people write!
Comment by Erin — June 20, 2011 @ 7:24 am
I have being marry for six years. My husband, thru the years changes his dis-likes and likes, and some of his opions stay the same. In order to help me remenber all this new information, i have a note book, where I write dedicated to studying my husband. For example, he has always like the french manicure on me, but now he is starting to like less Mexican food, and starting to like more Asian food, I write the new information down. I also like to write down what kind of gifts will he like to get, so far every gift i have goten him, he has likes. I also write down his weakness, and what God shows me on how to deal with them.In this note book can write all things about him!
Comment by Brenda Monrreal — June 20, 2011 @ 7:36 am
I pay attention to him when we’re with our friends or family. Sometimes, interacting with others (especially skilled conversationalists), he reveals thoughts differently or talks about things I wouldn’t think to bring up. I also try to be especially observant when we’re out–we like spending time in bookstores and sometimes we look in different areas, but sometimes I’ll follow him and make note of books he points out or ask him about some of the authors he knows.
Comment by Adrian — June 20, 2011 @ 7:37 am
I study my husbands body language and how and when he calls/texts me.
Comment by Cheri Fontenot — June 20, 2011 @ 8:00 am
Recently my hubby had an emotional affair with my best friend, and it was a huge wake up call into what was wrong with our relationship. I have come to know I know nothing about this man I’ve been with for 13 years… and he really doesn’t know much about himself. I’m quite overbearing and controlling, and he is the opposite. I had become his mother. Recently, in order to get to know him, I will “force” him to give me his opinion first, mainly so he can’t just agree with me. If it doesn’t agree with my opinion, I then “Challenge” him, and ask him why, reforming the question until he finally answers it! Then I’ll give him my opinion and we have a discussion. I’m learning so much about him!! I cant believe I wasted the past 13 years!!
Comment by Lisa Pitman — June 20, 2011 @ 8:02 am
I study my husband by really listening when he is talking to other people, then asking questions about what they were talking about. I usually learn a lot about his hobbies, where he stands on some issues, and how he would handle something with our children. I also ask about when he was a kid what life was like. It helps know who he was back then, and what his foundations were as a kid.
Comment by Mollie — June 20, 2011 @ 8:51 am
Whenever I try a new recipe, my husband gives it a 1-10 rating, and I write a note on that recipe of how he liked it and what his preferences would be (eg: “Steven prefers this without the sesame seeds” or “Double the spiciness for Steven”). My man loves food, and I love cooking, so studying his palate is a major part of studying him!
Comment by Samantha — June 20, 2011 @ 8:51 am
I’m newly married so of course we are still learning tons about eachother. i use other peoples celebrations as a way to get info about him out! Like it’s someones birthday and I want to make a cake for them. I ask him what thier favorite cake is and then ask him about his. Or I ask about what they would want or what they may like and carefully turn it into him talking about what he likes or may want. Takes some skill with my man ’cause he’s a smarty pants but I love him.
Comment by Sara Mitchell — June 20, 2011 @ 9:09 am
When I’m trying to decide what to make for dinner, I think back to what my husband has ordered when we are out to eat (and he has the whole menu to chose from). This gives me insight into what he thinks is a special meal!
Comment by Ellen — June 20, 2011 @ 9:21 am
It’s a hard question, but “What can I do better to make you feel loved?”. I’ve found that my husband doesn’t know sometimes but this can open the door for a good discussion. Just don’t ask the question when either of you are really stressed out!
Comment by Susan — June 20, 2011 @ 9:38 am
One way to study your husband is to prayerfully,I emphasize prayerfully,observe and listen. When my heart is in tune with his Creators heart I see and hear things only He can show me about my husband. Apart from this my heart is often critical of what I see and hear.
Comment by Jane Fain — June 20, 2011 @ 10:07 am
Even after knowing him for a decade, I still like to asking him about his upbringing and favorite (and not so favorite) childhood memories. Understanding his home life as a kid, really helps me to understand him better as an adult. It also prepares us to be more on the same page when it comes to the decisions we will make for our future kids.
Comment by Nikki — June 20, 2011 @ 10:28 am
First off, I love the Generous Wife posts I get daily-such encouragement!
How I study my hubby…I LOVE giving gifts and am always listening, paying attention, looking out for gift ideas for him. Then when a holiday (or just a day he needs a gift), I have something on hand that he wants/needs!!
Comment by Julie — June 20, 2011 @ 10:36 am
My husband spends a lot of time on the computer: for work, for play, and for the news. Many times when he comments on something (could be just a sigh or a laugh), I put what I am doing on hold and ask him about it. He loves it when I give him my full attention and am interested in what interests him. =)
Comment by Stephanie — June 20, 2011 @ 10:42 am
A big one for us is for me to ask him what he thinks about this or that, specific conversation or happening, then LISTEN and follow through with questions to make sure I understand and NOT butt in with what I think,etc
Comment by Judith — June 20, 2011 @ 10:53 am
To study a husband takes patience. Watch when he is frustrated and find what set him off (tiredness, bad day at work, etc.), not at that precise moment, but later when he’s feeling better. (ex: Hey, darlin’? I noticed the other day, you didn’t seem to be your usual self…would you like to talk about it?). It usually takes little prompting for my husband to get it off his chest, especially when he knows that he can talk freely and not be criticized. Be understanding if he doesn’t, it may take time for him to sort out his feelings and thoughts to convey to you.
Learn what motivates him. My husband has a deep drive to provide for his family (he isn’t a workaholic, but he can’t just sit around either).
One thing I have realized is that mens feelings and thoughts change the same ours do. We are all growing and changing the way Jesus is leading. So whatever he may have felt or thought five years ago may have changed….don’t hold him to it.
We just celebrated out 23rd anniversary Saturday, but because of Christ’s mercy, love and grace, he saved us from the brink of divorce. These are the things that I have learned in the past three years along with a host of others.
Comment by Debra S. Rodriguez — June 20, 2011 @ 10:54 am
Jen E.–I would love to get a copy of “the chart” if possible! ( sharalyns at hotmail dot com –take out the spaces)
I try to ask each morning for two things that I can do that day to make his day easier/better. Today I have a phone call to make and a part to order to replace something that broke.
Comment by Sharalyn — June 20, 2011 @ 10:58 am
My question is…..Basically, what makes you tick!
Comment by Ej AIluelohia — June 20, 2011 @ 11:21 am
Actually,
He and I really have put several marriage blogs to good use… I forward to him the ones I think will bring him some insight about me; he forwards to me the ones he thinks I can gain insight from. We really make this ‘fun’ and NOT condemning and it has really sparked good conversation. After 20+ years, we STILL want to be good students fo each other and these blogs are really helpful.
Comment by Elizabeth Dirks — June 20, 2011 @ 11:37 am
My husband was a plumbing and heating contractor by trade when we first married. I knew nothing about it! So I read his trade journals, rode along to several of his classes and sat in to listen and learn. This came in handy when he got sick with depression and I helped him on his jobs. I knew what he would need next and could have it ready to hand to him. He took up the computer so I learned how to use it too! I am his helper in everything and am right by his side helping with whatever project he is doing.He will tell me intricate details in his latest projects and I try to sit and listen even though it is mostly boring! After all if I do it for him he will for me!
Comment by TinaJewel — June 20, 2011 @ 11:54 am
In studying my husband I have recently noticed his enjoyment of opening packages. If a package comes in the mail I have started saving it for him to arrive home from work and let him have the enjoyment of opening the package. Just being conscious of the little things that make him tick and doing the best I can to give him opportunity to do those small things.
Comment by Karla — June 20, 2011 @ 2:04 pm
I study my husband in a couple of ways. We don’t have kids yet, so I love to watch him interact with kids. He’s really good at it (better than he thinks!) and I make sure to tell him that after I notice. The other thing is paying attention to the business he’s started. He’s started a recording studio, and by listening to him I’ve learned enough so that I can talk to him and give him feedback on his projects. Actually, it’s a lot of fun! I really enjoy knowing about his passions and helping him with it.
Would also like The Chart, Jen E. if you could send it. oneheart1017 at hotmail dot com.
Comment by Laurie — June 20, 2011 @ 2:52 pm
Just BEing with my husband is the best way to STUDY him. While he is doing something he enjoys (gardening, working around the property, etc.) and striking up a conversation that would require him to answer with more than a one-sylable word is something he enjoys! I agree with Dawn H – study his eyes…and understand that this is the window to his soul. BEing his best companion…especially when I would rather BE DOing…something else is a certain way to “get” him.
Comment by Jina — June 20, 2011 @ 2:59 pm
Love your posts and I enjoy passing them on to my friends,
My husband is a musician and we both share a love for music so this is a great way for me to learn more about him, his likes and dislikes. I am constantly trying to get him to share more and to know when to just let him just be and he will open up and share. We talk about our days, and on the phone several times a day plus texting while he is at work so I always have a chance to ask him how he is or what can I do to make his day better. Letting him be apart of what is going on with the boys when he is at work has also helped because he is able to be apart of the flow of the family when he is home, which makes him feel more confident with the care of our sons. Enjoying all of these posts! Oh and we’ve been married 10yrs this Aug
Comment by Abby Harrell — June 20, 2011 @ 7:01 pm
I think our husbands carry so much on their shoulders and when it comes to “home”, they like to keep it simple…that said, I simply ask, What was the best part of your day, today or What made you happy today? In addition, or instead of, I may also add, What made you sad today or unhappy? It really gives an insight to his day, in simple terms, when he otherwise would probably not mention it at all.
Comment by Donna — June 20, 2011 @ 7:41 pm
I ask him to describe certain foods he likes to me when we are out eating. I then taste the dish and later try to replicate the aspects he described and enjoyed.
Also pay attention to what he reads in his spare time, then do an activity, game, read a book, etc on the topic to try to connect and show your interest in learning his preferences/hobbies. My husband loves football, I have it in my budget to get him direct tv so he can watch all the football games he wants, bonus points come in too cuz his dad can watch with him…my husband’s love language is time spent…he appreciated this so much he cried!
Comment by Lindsey J — June 20, 2011 @ 9:32 pm
1. What does love look like to you?
2. How do you express love?
3. What do you think a wife’s role looks like?
4. How do you as a man be true to yourself?
Comment by Tara Manfredi — June 20, 2011 @ 10:28 pm
Jen E. I would like a copy of the chart (djaemay21@gmail.com)
We have several times gone online and typed in “questions to ask spouse/ect.” Then we sit down and talk through them. We also enjoy reading books together and watching and discussing movies. I try to ask a lot of questions to make it easier for him to bring up something he cares about or wants to comment about. I am very much still learning how to learn about him and never want to stop.
Comment by L. Jenkins — June 21, 2011 @ 5:18 am
One way I study him is by taking him at his word! I’ve learned that whenever he tells me I’m beautiful, I need to believe him, and receive his words. I try to take note when he acts offended or hurt, so I can learn not to say or do those things which caused him to feel that way. I watch how he interacts with people he admires and enjoys, because I long to be one of those people! And most importantly, I PRAY for him. I ask God to give me wisdom and insight as his wife, to show me how to love the husband he has given me.
Comment by Caroline — June 21, 2011 @ 7:27 am
It’s taken 12 years of marriage to finally get this (and even now, I struggle) – but the best thing is to ask more “what/why” questions. I used to jump to conclusions about his beliefs/opinions/needs/wants, thinking I knew what they were…but the best thing to do – even if I think I know – is to ask! “How did you come to that decision?”…”Why do you like that?”…”What did you learn about that?”…. I’ve come to see that my husband feels respected if I ask him questions – and if I really listen and ask follow-up questions.
Comment by Becky — June 21, 2011 @ 7:38 am
I like to really listen when he is talking to one of his friends either in person or on the phone. Many times he will say things or express himself in ways that are different than what he communicates verbally to me. If I hear something new, then I can talk with him about it later. This has helped me understand him better and understand what is important to him.
Comment by Debra — June 21, 2011 @ 8:23 am
One way (not mentioned) that I study him is by absorbing his “types”. We have taken several surveys and although not perfect, they really help me understand him better, since I am never like him at all!
Most people know about the love languages: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ but they also have one for apology languages now, which I found fascinating.
I also learned a LOT from the Myers-Briggs test here: http://www.humanmetrics.com
Since I don’t think like him and he doesn’t think like me, I find it helpful to use these types of surveys to explain to me what is going on inside his head, since he cannot always explain it.
Jen, I would also like a copy of the chart: king clan 9 @ gmail .com
Comment by Donna — June 21, 2011 @ 11:27 am
I learn from past mistakes. If he wasn’t ready to talk as soon as he came home from work, I learned to give him time to relax first. If he doesn’t want me to be gone on a certain night, I learned to ask him before making plans. If he wanted me NOT to wash the hunting clothes (I used the wrong detergent
, I let him do it. There are many more examples. But just as we have to let our kids fail to learn, I have learned to use my failures to make our marriage stronger.
Comment by Denise — June 21, 2011 @ 11:46 am
Always know his favorite color, hero and his sizes. Then go deeper.
Watch what video games he plays, what system, and don’t be afraid to ask a sales person what is similar that’s coming out. The same goes for books and movies; note his genre and favorite authors, actors and directors. Ask him about the stories, so you can find similar ones to give as gifts. If he buys new clothes, note the colors and prints, so you know what to look for at the store. If he lingers by the watches, he wants a watch. If he lingers by the computers, he wants a computer.
To figure out his love language, listen to him. If he tells you every good thing he does, he needs your verbal praise. Look for opportunities to praise him. Say thank you. Know how he learns. If he doesn’t retain what you say as a daily thing, leave your love on notes in the pocket of his work clothes, his planner or his lunch. If he’s always touching you, he wants to be touched. If he’s always helping you out, he wants you to help him.
The more time you spend together, the more observations you can make, and always make learning him a priority. It’s more important than anything about you. That’s just love.
Comment by Bear — June 22, 2011 @ 11:32 am
My husband and I were older than average when we married, so we had many life experiences before we met. One of my favorite ways to study him is to listen to stories from his pre-Heather life and ask questions about formative events. Another way that I often learn surprising things is to be quite and let him talk when we are visiting with friends. He often expresses different thoughts to them, or expresses things we have discussed in different ways, helping me understand his thoughts and feelings much more clearly. Then when we are alone I can say “I’m glad you mentioned…” or “I was surprised to hear you say…” and ask him to elaborate. It’s often a great way to get him talking.
Comment by Heather — June 22, 2011 @ 11:39 am
I find that the best way I can learn what matters to my husband is to let him go “first” when “unloading” about the day. If he walks in and I start to give my spill of he said/she said from all day long I find that he is less likely to share what happened to him that day. In dealing with his busy mix of work and school he often needs to “vent” as much as I do and I find that if I go first it makes him less likely to share that deep inner part of himself I am the only one he entrusts with.
I try to ask open ended questions. Instead of “How was your day?” – which is really a 1-word answer question, I try to say, “Tell me about your day.” This way he can take the conversation however he wishes.
Another help is observing his reactions to things… while a friend may tell her husband something I could tell my husband the exact same thing and really cause him to feel disrespected – maybe it reminds him of something hurtful a friend or family member did in the past or maybe it makes him feel like I’m being his “mom” – but respecting our own husbands means understanding how they feel disrespected and avoiding those things.
Comment by Ellen — June 22, 2011 @ 11:54 am
I love reading all your ideas!! my hubby gets tired of me asking him so many questions so I usually just try and LISTEN to him – which is HARD for me ♥ and I am working on it!! But I do learn from him when I do! although when he is in a talking mode I try and ask him questions like some have mentioned above – it’s interesting to find out new things about my hubby!
We are both growing so close to each other and to God lately that our marriage is getting better everyday and I am cherishing every minute of it!
Keep up the good ideas ♥
Comment by Jenny — June 22, 2011 @ 1:09 pm
My husband loves golf and spends a significant amount of time doing it. This has caused a bit of a problem because I have felt like he almost prefers to golf than to be at home. I have had to change my way of thinking because I know that it’s not that he “prefers” it, he just gets something out of it that he doesn’t get at home, and vice versa. It’s not a comparison or a competition. I have started to ask my husband about the game of golf; rules, terms, etc., as well as how he feels when he is golfing, what it does for him, etc. I have also gone as far as to ride along with him a couple times to watch him play, which I must say was very exciting for me (he’s really good from what I can tell and what others say). I guess my point is that by studying my husband, I have learned to change my reactions to him, which I think is key. In turn, my change in attitude toward him has made him kinda see more where I’m coming from too, and he golfs less now because of it. We both benefit.
Comment by Jamie Y — June 23, 2011 @ 3:51 pm
Even starting the thought process of studying my husband seems like a daunting task. In the middle of raising three little knights for God and those general tasks that go along with raising children. He is a selfemployed truck driver so my favorite part is riding along for hours and just listening to him talk. I have no where to go and nothing that needs my attention! That can’t happen on a regular basis but I challenge myself to be a attentive listener even when he comes home and talks.
Comment by Jacinda — June 24, 2011 @ 2:56 am
Whenever he tells me that I look pretty, I ask him what specific things he likes about how I look that day, then I try to duplicate those things often. I also try to notice when he goes back to get seconds and thirds at meals and make it a point to prepare those dishes regularly. I ask questions about his feelings about situations that I can tell affect him deeply, because he rarely volunteers information about his feelings on his own.
Comment by Sharon — June 24, 2011 @ 3:41 am
When we take walks together I ask him questions about his childhood because that always brings up things I never knew about him. Like a couple days ago I asked him what he daydreamed about when he was younger. Sometimes I just out of nowhere ask him “If you could be ANYWHERE right now, where would you be?” You would be surprised at how much that shines a light into your husbands state of mind or his preferences or likes.
Comment by Sarah G. — June 24, 2011 @ 3:51 am
Ooh! @Jen E. Please send me the chart too! ctilson at gmail dot com.
Having been married for only 2 1/2 years, and having spent most of that time working opposite schedules, or pregnant, and raising our daughter, much of the time I count on memories as study material. I read somewhere once (pretty sure it was Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work?)that if one partner can remember the great times of their relationship with their spouse, and communicate their fondness for all the time they’ve spent together, even a seemingly doomed marriage is salvageable. I owe all to the Lord for our marriage, and I like to “raise my Ebenezer” (see 1 Samuel 7:12-14) as a way of studying the brilliant, complex, and winsome man He gave to me! I encourage you to make a memory notebook filled with photographs, mementos, or journaling, to help you study your hubby, whether you’ve been a Generous Wife for mere weeks or many years!
Comment by Caris — June 24, 2011 @ 4:22 am
I recently lost weight so I have had some wardrobe changes. I have been careful(and had fun!) watching my husband’s reactions to the newer and more close fitting attire. Sometimes I’ll carelessly forget a bra and I’ll notice him out of the corner of my eye watching me.
I try to take notice when he comes in the door of his mood and demeanor. Does he seem tired? I might offer him a glass of iced tea if it’s a warm day or something of that nature.
Thank you so much for your ministry to wives – it is much appreciated!
Comment by Kat — June 24, 2011 @ 6:10 am
I study my husband by trying to discern if his frustration about something or need for more information is really just his way of expressing he’s feeling anxious or insecure about it. Hear me out on this… if a woman is feeling anxious or insecure, she is more likely to simply come right out and say that… “I’m nervous about the speech I have to give” or “I am scared we’re going to miss our flight.”
Men, generally, do not like to come right out and say what they are feeling nervous about… they sometimes see that as a sign of weakness. It’s not, of course, and it’s good when we all can grow in communicating our true feelings.
But as a wife, I have tried to pay closer attention to if my husband’s irritable disposition or his quietness or his repeatedly asking the same question is simply a sign that he is feeling anxious about something.
It’s in those moments that I as his wife can be reassuring… in a way that I am able to come along side him and help him see “hey, you’re not in this alone. I’m here.”
Comment by Julie Sibert — June 24, 2011 @ 6:11 am
I ask him what he thinks (or is thinking). I want to know what’s going on in his mind, his opinions, reasonings, perspectives, even feelings. This question seems to capture most of that. It is a better way to get at his feelings because his mind doesn’t work that way. If I ask him how he feels, he talks about health, comfort, how he feels physically. While that is important, it’s usually not what I’m going for. He is also not aware of his emotions as feelings, rather, as thoughts, so asking him what he is thinking seems to get to his heart.
Another way I learn about him is through conflict. No, I don’t start fights with him to learn about him. But when we’re resolving it, we usually have an informal lessons learned conversation, where we learn better each others needs, expectations, thought processes, etc. This helps us to avoid future conflicts of the same kind, and builds good will, reinforcing the knowledge that we are for each other and not against.
Comment by Bethany — June 24, 2011 @ 7:46 am
My husband enjoys hunting and so I try to make sure that when he offers me to go along that I take time. He loves watching movies and so I practice to sit with him and watch instead of cleaning up the dishes and/or around the house. He use to often say I didn’t have time for him so I have made that a priority to make sure I have time for him when he is home. I know these little things have helped us in our marriage cause it makes him feel loved and important at home too.
Comment by Joneva — June 24, 2011 @ 8:21 am
Several ideas:
1. I read books about marriage and relationships and try to see where he falls in the big picture.
2. We drink wine on the back porch together and I’ll ask a random question about his childhood – this usually leads to a series of stories!
3. Just listen to him talk and actually pay attention. We have time together each day – either drinking a glass of wine on the back porch or doing something in the yard. He likes to tell me about his day and get my feedback on things relatedt o wrk.
Comment by Yvonne — June 24, 2011 @ 11:58 am
I think the way I study my husband that he most appreciates, is listening to what I do that stimulates his sex drive, and what I can change to keep our love making exciting for him. I find that if I keep him excited about sex with different things, and not let him be bored with the same place, same position, etc., that he is much more apt to open up to me about other areas of his life!
Comment by Terri — June 24, 2011 @ 1:53 pm
I have to be careful about how intently I sometimes study my husband. It is not always in a constructive and respectful way. Thank you for all the great tips and suggestions.
Comment by tvs — June 24, 2011 @ 6:18 pm
I know that when my husband is sexually fulfilled, he stays in a good mood and can perform well in his job and in daily life situations. so, I always try to manage my time to offer a chance for sex and making love to each other. And believe me : when your husband is sexually happy , his behavior completely change for the best and he will try to make you happy in every area of your life. This is beside the physical and emotional benefits you both gain from making love to each other. ( you will notice an increased level in intimacy that you will both enjoy till the rest of your life)!
Comment by Dodi — June 25, 2011 @ 1:44 am
Currently I am trying to study my husband in every way to try to learn as much as I can about him again. You see, 3+ years ago, I was involved in a very bad auto wreck which left me with a brain injury that took away almost all of my long term memory. We have been married for 21 years and have 3 daughters, but I remember none of that past. People have told us we have the prime opportunity for a “do over”, but it is honestly so much more complicated than that. At times I have felt like I have been dropped in on someone else’s family to try to be a wife and mother to complete strangers. And with it comes a lot of fear and frustration. However, we are committed to making this work!
Thank you for this site, which gives me ideas to work on that my injured brain does not have the capacity to think of on its own. I have never been very public about my current situation, so even writing here about it is a challenge to me, but I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your honest, moral suggestions for making married relationships be the best they can be.
Comment by TM — June 28, 2011 @ 7:11 am
A man is a differant creature, the way they talk, think, and feel. It is only natural that they do not see the things we see as women. That is what makes a marriage a marriage. A woman may go through life trying to understand a man, which in fact we only understand just so little. That is why GOD made us this way. I have tried several ways, and their are many websites that support this topic. In actuality husbands have their on thoughts and mind, a peice of him that they do not wish to share, a part of them that makes them feel like a man. I have accepted that in my husband, even though I strive so hard to understand him but in the same since I lose understanding myself. My husband and I were talking one day it hit me when he said “My thoughts are mine, no one can take them away from me.” Is true. I do understand my husband, a portion of him. His hobbies to his favorite foods even the little things he likes. But his thoughts would be his and my thoughts are mine that is what makes us.
Comment by Amanda — June 28, 2011 @ 8:10 am
i’d love to see that CHART too. =0)
Comment by dee dee — June 29, 2011 @ 7:38 am