What Husbands Want – Love Me, Love My Sexuality

October 16, 2010

in the generous life


Well, ladies, we knew this one was going to make the list.  A man’s sexuality is an integral part of who he is. When his sexuality is appreciated and satisfied, he feels genuinely loved and deeply satisfied.

The single most mentioned thing from the men was “desire me sexually” followed by “please initiate sex” (which is very much the same thing because initiating means you desire him).

Here are a few other mentions:

* validate my sexuality as normal and good
* appreciate my sexuality and sexual ability
* be bold, be specific (we often miss those subtle hints)
* surprise me!
* flirt with me, dress up for me, be confident in your sexuality
* please don’t tease me and then not follow through
* when you need to say no, say no kindly
* please be willing to be creative in the bedroom (this was everything from “please don’t think I’m into porn because I want to try something new,” to desiring creativity to deal with physical problems and limitations), for many men creativity is a normal, good part of sex, not a comment about dissatisfaction

Many men also wanted women to know that sex is not just physical for them. They deeply love their wives and sex is a way to be intimate with the woman they love.

For many women, sex presents a problem. Our societal and family messages have left us ill-prepared to enjoy sex and our busyness often leaves us exhausted physically. And given that many of us have been sexually abused in one form or another … well, you get the picture. Sex is a huge struggle for many of us and it is one of the more important things to our husbands. (the enemy is having a good laugh over this one).  :(

I strongly recommend fighting this battle with passion and determination. God designed both men and women to enjoy sex and it is a source of deep intimacy in a marriage. Even though many of us struggle with it, we need to see that as God’s intent and seek healing and new insight so that we can join our husband’s in enjoying this wonderful gift from God.

There are a number of good books about married sexuality, some written to women specifically.

Please also pray about your priorities. We have 24 hours in each day and we need to invest time in the people and activities that are truly important.

Generous tip: Think of three different ways to invite your husband to have sex (and try them out on him over the next week). For example, there is the “honey, could you help me with this curtain rod” (or whatever excuse you can think of to get him into the bedroom) followed by an ambush. There is also the direct approach, “honey, you have on too many clothes.” You could write up an invitation or call him on his cell phone when you know he is on the way home.

I want a wife who understands the depth of my desire and need to have a full and fulfilling sexual relationship with her and her only.   a generous husband

Think generous! Lori <><

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Amy October 16, 2010 at 9:43 am

I LOVE this post! After seeing so many of my friends’ marriages in trouble, I so appreciate my husband. He was on 3rd shift for 2 years, and just recently got on first. We are so enjoying time in the evening again (and with the kids). Sex happened, but it wasn’t as fun, more of a necessity, the last 2 years. Now, I need to learn to initiate and be creative. Thanks for the tips.


Sharon Cohen October 16, 2010 at 10:16 am

Hear, hear. Here, here. I’ve wasted many years and suffered many heartaches getting to place where I can declare everything you just said to be true. Without shame or reservation. It really is okay to be a sexual being. My husband is. God made him that way. I can be too. Because God created me that way. It gets easier as I practice, practice, practice.
.-= Sharon Cohen´s last blog ..Thank God for Laughter =-.


Sarah October 17, 2010 at 2:24 pm

Actually I get so sad & angry when I read these posts on sex. My husband works alot & isn’t happy in his job. When he comes home some days he just wants to tune out & doesn’t even want to talk for a while. Now I understand that he works hard in a place he hates (I’m a stay at home mum) and he needs time to de-stress so I usually allow him time to do what he wants after work like go out fishing (his passion). I look after our daughter 24/7 & rarely get a break – so I’m stinging for some adult company by the end of the day – with my best friend. I initiate sex alot but have been turned down so many times that I don’t want to be rejected again. Nowadays I initiate in a less forward way as to kind of guard my heart a bit. I talk to him about sex & he feels really guilty & just says “please understand I’m just tired & want to relax, it’s nothing to do with you”. Sometimes I feel so alone in this topic – is anyone else having the same problems?! I almost want to delete the ‘sex’ topics when they pop up into my email because I just don’t want to read another post saying to initiate sex & be creative! As you can tell I’m abit upset & don’t know what to do next. I feel unloved, rejected & I don’t want him to feel bad about that because he has enough to deal with. The verse in 1 Corinthians 7:5 constantly runs through my head as well – ‘Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time’. I feel like the sexual side of me is slowly dying off & I don’t want it to as I enjoy it! Mostly because I have my husbands undivided attention : )
Any ‘I feel the same way’ or suggestions would be very much appreciated!


Kalena October 20, 2010 at 7:09 am

Oh Sarah, I have been in your shoes! I know bone deep lonliness in a seldom sexual marriage.
My husband regularly works 60 hours of physical, always moving labor, which always increases to 75 hrs wk in December.
We recently had a heartfelt talk & my husband admitted he was rundown, depressed & so tired he never had desirous thoughts any more. We went to the dr & found out his testosterone level was horribly low! I give him testosterone injection every other week and his energy level is up, his attitude is sunnier, his joy for life and his family has returned and so has his libedo.
I also make sure he has regular, nutritiuos meals and snacks, he suppliments with a multivitamin, extra vitamin D & C. And we agreed to turn off tv & go to bed early.
I enjoy the last bit most. The extra time alone, in bed, even just cuddling more made a world of difference in my outlook on life! Slowly, his interest in sex, on a regular basis is returning.
I appreciated the heartfelt talk even more than sex. It was very intimate to have him confess to me his depression, his lack of joy in anything, and his fear of not being able to anything well (the depression talking). We tackled this problem together and it brought us closer.
I still struggle with wanting sex more than he does, but renewing our commitment to being present in each others company-I mean direct eye to eye contact, holding hands, giving kisses when we enter or leave the room or pass each other in the hallway-has helped us both physically & more importantly, emotionally.
Oh and by the way, this wasn’t just a dry spell we went through, we suffered for 2 years before we realized there was a medical problem–and a solution.
Hang in there. My heart & my prayers go out to you.


lana October 20, 2010 at 10:03 am

Sarah – can’t give you much help except that I DO feel the same way.

One thing i try to do is guard against bitterness. It’s really hard but in order to do that i have to be vulnerable even if he might hurt me (hurt my feelings, not do anything to actually hurt me) again. and again. but i think part of love is choosing to trust.

And i do initiate love making a lot more than i want to, because i want HIM to. He’s not wanting to deprive me, but he doesn’t initiate often b/c he doesn’t really feel the urgent need yet and has other things on his mind.
another thing that helps is simply reminding myself that he’s not being cruel or even selfish by ignoring my needs, even if it feels that way – he simply feels his needs and wants strongest, the same way i feel mine more strongly than i do his. And while i sometimes feel like he’s failing me in the realm of physical intimacy, where i reign supremely powerful ;) – I am nowhere near perfect in other realms. Have to shoot that pride down regularly …I think this problem is harder to cope with than others, because here i am, NOT struggling where many women do, in a world where people say ‘women hate sex and men think about sex most of the day’, and so i feel like you, i read all these posts that say *I* need to be ‘willing’ – when in our marriage, we have the opposite problem.
But, it’s good to know i’m not alone.

Don’t let the set backs ruin your marriage, be willing to be disappointed again so that when your desires ARE fulfilled, you’ll still be able to feel it and rejoice in it. When i try to ‘turn off’ my desire, it only works a little, it makes me grumpy and it makes me not enable to enjoy being with my husband when i can. Far more worth it to me to be able to feel disappointment along with joy, than not to feel anything.


Anita November 12, 2010 at 6:07 am

Just when I was about to be totally irritated by yet another blog post telling wives to have sex with their husbands, I read the comments. I too am a woman whose husband never initiates sex and rarely initiates real affection. I am tired of being all the sexiness and passion and creativity sexually. I feel as if I’m carrying the entire relationship and I’m not allowed to have a bad day or it all falls apart.

What would you do if you husband wouldn’t get help or go to the Dr? Mine won’t do anything about his erectile dysfunction. My father advised me to go to the older men in our church because he refuses to do anything about his problem, but I can’t bring myself to embarrass him like that. Meanwhile I starve.
.-= Anita´s last blog ..My Husband Wont See a Doctor About His Erectile Dysfunction =-.


Addy August 9, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Im glad I’m not the only one feeling rejected sexually during marriage. It seems that everyone has this problems later on the relationship, but in my case it was in the first day of our honeymoon it seems that no matter what I try he wouldn’t get it up, obviously myself esteem when down to the floor feeling like the uglies of all. It has been over a month now that we have been married, and the problem is still there. Either way I catch him eyeing other women often which it makes me feel even worst. So One evening I bought some lingerie,candles and what not to saduce him and nothing happen. Myself steem is completely destroy, well Im pretty much tired of it,so I told him to open up and do something about whats going or to tell me the thruth if he doesnt find me sexy or I will divorce him.( we are strong Christians so is hard to even think of divorcing) but I rather be alone and heal from this experience then feeling like a monster because of my husbands rejection. So we went to the doctor and he gave us some suggestions, but overall we are praying to god to manifest his power and honer upon our relationship and save it.


Diana Daffner, Intimacy Retreats June 6, 2013 at 1:12 am

My heart goes out to both women and men who are living with a spouse not interested in being sexual. Physical intimacy is so vital to the happiness in a relationship. As I saw on a t-shirt once, “Sex is NOT the answer. Sex is the question. YES is the answer.” When my husband and I discovered that there is a way to show up for each other sexually – regardless of our libido or mood, we knew we had to teach others what we had learned, and we do that through our workshops and writings. I wish I could wave a magic wand and all couples would easily awaken to this incredibly beautiful way to share love! Does it solve all problems? No, but when the experience of love is present, those other problems seem less daunting to deal with. Blessings to all.


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