Imagine, if you will, a very hungry man. He gets the occasional meal, but he is always hungry because what he gets is just not enough to fill his stomach. He’s not going to be particularly picky about what he eats, and table manners, well, that’s tough because all he wants is something to fill that emptiness.
In many ways this is a picture of what most guys go through sexually. They’re just not getting enough sexually and because of that they are over focused on getting more sex and they have “bad table manners” (they find it hard to even consider emotional or relational intimacy because they are so hungry for physical intimacy and release). Guys have a physical push to be sexual and, I think, the emotional push to be intimate has a sexual edge for guys as well.
This is very frustrating for a wife when she is emotionally or relationally hungry and all her husband seems to want is sex. You have opposing hungers and both spouses are finding it hard to give out of their emptiness. Who gives first so that the other can “fill up” and have what it takes to give back? Not an easy question.
I’m going to give my opinion here. It would be really nice if both spouses would just begin to give a little (it’s worth discussing if you think your husband will hear you). However, in the real world this is a rarity. Someone usually has to suck it up and just begin to give regardless of how empty or hungry they feel. IMO, it is easier for women to be sexual more often (not faking it, but perhaps having sex for him) than it is for men to be emotionally and relationally intimate (it tends to feel and look really fake). And, again my opinion, unless your spouse is a really wounded non-functional person, generosity tends to breed a return in generosity. When you go out of your way to love and bless your spouse, it’s a very natural response to be generous and kind back. At which point you both have the personal resources to give and receive more. A win-win.
I read an article once about a gal who decided she would be available for sex everyday for her husband (she even initiated when he didn’t). It felt a bit unnatural for her at first, but her husband very quickly blossomed under all that physical attention and soon began to see that he had emotional and relational hungers as well (which she was more than happy to address, having similar hungers). This is a great example of someone who figured out that generously filling a spouse’s need was a smart move.
Giving frees us from the familiar territory of our own needs by opening our mind to the unexplained worlds occupied by the needs of others. Barbara Bush
Be generous! Lori <><